The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, we do not. (Indescribable chaos erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel a multitude of times. Order is at length restored.)
Senator Sahib: Esteemed colleagues, you now grasp the full extent of the crisis. It would be bad enough if the loyal citizenry of Ozarae were to discover that some of the gold in circulation resided once in the bowels of a cruddy little dwarf. But this! At any moment, the most delicate financial transactions, the most pivotal commercial exchanges—all of domestic and foreign trade alike!—could be suddenly brought to ruin by the emergence of dozens, hundreds, thousands, of little piles of dwarf shit everywhere—in the bank vaults, in the cash registers, why—even in the pockets of the very Senators sitting around this room! (Great hubbub erupts.)
Chairman Whelm, wielding his gavel. Order! Order!
Senator Vichyssoise: Mr. Chairman! I require the floor!
Chairman Whelm: The Chair recognizes Senator Vichyssoise of the League Larvaliste.
Senator Vichyssoise: Esteemed colleagues, I submit that we now have no option but to collaborate with the proposal which has often been placed on the floor by Senator Arbeitmachtfrei with respect to the dwarf menace. All dwarves must be immediately exterminated.
Senator Patellarasa: Mr. Chairman, I whimper for the floor.
Chairman Whelm: The Chair faintly discerns the wavering figure of Senator Patellarasa.
Senator Patellarasa: Esteemed colleagues, I must take exception to Senator Vichyssoise’s proposal. We are confronted here with a moral quandary. Does the good of civilization as a whole outweigh the drama and pathos of the mass slaughter of millions of dwarves—all but one of them innocent of any wrongdoing? (Jeers and gibes erupt in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! (He pounds his gavel.) Senator Patellarasa, I warn you that the Committee, famed though it is for its tolerance and willingness to examine all sides of an issue, is rapidly losing patience with your usual pussyfooting drivel.
Senator Patellarasa: Mr. Chairman, the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction) cannot in good conscience acquiesce without protest in the prospective massacre of multitudes of law-abiding citizens, even if they are a lot of cruddy little dwarves. I must warn you that if Senator Vichyssoise’s proposal is adopted we shall certainly organize a candlelight vigil—in which we will undoubtedly be joined by the Well-Meaning, Bleeding-Heart and Knee-Jerk factions of the Liberal Party, as well as the Sociable Democrats. (Taunts and jibes fill the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! (He bangs his gavel. Order is restored.) Senator Patellarasa, you may resume the floor—but I warn you, get to the point!
Senator Patellarasa: I shall do so, Mr. Chairman. But I say again, I cannot let pass the opportunity to dwell on the savagery of the action under consideration. You must understand the full ramifications! We’d have to chop up the whole lot of them, even the little baby dwarves. For they all shit quite regularly, you know, once, sometimes twice a day. It is this ethical— (Jeers and taunts erupt in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! (He bangs his gavel. Order is restored.) Senator Patellarasa, that’s about enough. The time of this Committee is valuable and not to be wasted with a lot of puling nonsense about widdle-biddle itsy-bitsy eeny-weeny dwarf babies. I mean, who gives a fuck? You are no longer recog—
Senator Patellarasa: But Mr. Chairman, there’s big money to be made here! (For the first time in living memory, total silence erupts in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: The Senator from the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction) is commanded to explain his last remark.
Senator Patellarasa: Puissant Chairman, esteemed colleagues, in your haste you have—as is so often the case with conservative attempts to deal with symptoms rather than causes—overlooked the obvious. We do not know, as yet, that this new method of producing gold is temporary. For all we know, it may well be permanent. Before taking any precipitous action, we must find out! For if this new method of gold-making results in permanent gold, think of the prosperity for the many—and the fortunes for the few! Think of the countryside dotted with hundreds, even thousands, of little gold factories, inhabited by thousands, even millions, of little dwarves crapping away for the enrichment of all society! Of course, they’d have to be regulated and such, but—