The King now advanced to the center of the square. A tall man, he was, very regal looking. Arrived at the center of the square, the King summoned a herald, who blew a fanfare. The herald then bellowed, in a great voice which could be heard in every corner of the square, the following:
“Glory be to God and the Right! The legitimate King has triumphed in the field of battle! Let the word go forth to all the towns and villages! The Mutt is now declared a Monarchy!”
A great chorus of cheers came from the spectators. The herald continued.
“Let the word go forth to all the hills and dales! The King, in his graciousness, proclaims that his rule will be governed by the needs of the common folk! For he is not unmindful that, at his greatest hour of need, it was the Rabble which gave him victory! In this light, the Rabble is given leave to pillage the town!”
At these words, the Rabble advanced upon the crowd lining the square, nooses and torches held high. But as they neared the spectators, the nooses and torches were suddenly discarded. As if it were a signal, the distance between Rabble and crowd dissolved as the two groups greeted each other with much slapping of backs and general hilarity. A mad rush followed toward the Tapster’s beer cart, as, for that matter, toward the many pubs and alehouses which lined the square. This rush was led by the Generalissimo, still crying, “Unleash me! Unleash me!”
Within a minute, the various contenders for state power were reentering the square. Distinctions between Democrat and Republican, Doge and Aristocrat, were lost in a general wave of gaiety. The only exception to this universal good feeling came from one of the former cart-pullers. “Next time,” I heard him grumble as he rose to his feet, withdrawing a leather shield from under his shirt, “I get to be the Emperor of the Grinding Hegemony.”
“It’s such a nice evening, let’s walk back to the Free Lunch,” suggested Gwendolyn. I readily agreed to her proposal, and so off we went, hand in hand.
“That was such fun,” she chuckled. “I haven’t been to a Mutt civil war in ages.”
“It’s not quite how I had envisioned a civil war.”
She smiled. “It’s a great place, the Mutt. Wolfgang calls it the one oasis of insanity in the whole of Grotum. It’s been a refuge for centuries. What few revolutionaries make it to old age always retire here.”
“I should think the other realms of Grotum would take offense and invade.”
“Oh, they do. Try to, I should say. But no one’s ever been able to defeat the Mutt in a war of invasion. Not with the people up in arms, and the dogs, and the Kutumoffs to lead them.”
I stopped and looked around. “This is where General Kutumoff lives? Is he the General you keep talking about?”
“Of course. He doesn’t actually live in the Doghouse, although he’s got a mansion in town. Mostly he stays in his shack in the woods, out on his estate. You’ve heard of him?”
“Heard of him? My uncles never stop talking about him! The world’s greatest general, they say. Rodrigo and Ludovigo even served under him. Brag about it all the time. I knew the General was Groutch, but I somehow thought he was the commandant of one of the major Groutch armies.”
“Your uncles served with the General?” she asked. I nodded. She pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I never heard of Ozarines serving with the General. Plenty of them hang around, of course, but to actually serve with him—! Well, anyway. You’ll be meeting the General soon enough. I have to talk to him. If you want to come along, that is.”
“Wouldn’t miss it. My uncles would kill me if I did.”
When we got back to the Free Lunch, night had fallen. We enjoyed some more beer and “arsters,” and then made our way upstairs to our rooms. Both of us were very tired. There was another awkward moment in front of our respective doorways, where I felt like a fumbling schoolboy for the first time in years, not sure what to do. After a brief hesitation, Gwendolyn just smiled, said, “Goodnight,” and went into her room. I remained in the corridor for a minute, staring at her closed door, feeling immensely frustrated. Then I went into my own room and tried to get to sleep. Not with any great success.