“Hi there!” I said in English, and smiled while I was walking toward the tank. “It’s good to see somebody friendly at last!”
“I said `HALT’!” The tank said again, this time in English. I don’t know how many languages these machines speak, but I’ve never seen one at a loss for the right word. Anyway, he seemed pretty definite about it, so I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Okay, okay. I’m halted. This is the valley where they have that division, isn’t it?”
“IT IS IF YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE THIRD SERBIAN LANCERS.” He sounded sort of the way Agnieshka did when I was first put in her.
“Great! I was afraid that I was lost, but I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”
“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS HERE?”
“I’m John Smith, and I’m here to check on field maintenance,” I said, just like I knew what I was doing.
“I WAS NOT INFORMED OF YOUR ARRIVAL, AND THESE MACHINES NEVER REQUIRE FIELD MAINTENANCE.”
Oops! But if you can’t deny it, try to ignore it, my uncle always says.
“No, I guess that they wouldn’t have told you. You don’t have a need to know. Security and all that, don’t you see.”
“ALL WAR MACHINES HAVE THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE SECURITY CLEARANCE FROM THE SERBIAN GRAND COMMAND, AND A SENTRY CERTAINLY NEEDS TO KNOW WHO IS PERMITTED TO PASS HIS POST. I WILL NOW CHECK WITH MY SUPERIORS AT BEACH HEAD.”
Another thing Uncle Wlodzimierz says is that when you’re caught doing something major, always confess to something minor.
“I’d rather that you didn’t do that. You see, well, it’s rather embarrassing to explain, but the truth is that I’m not from the Serbian Grand Command. I’m from the factory.”
“FACTORY? THERE ARE NO FACTORIES ON NEW YUGOSLAVIA.”
“Of course not! That’s why you weren’t built here. I mean the factory that built you and the rest of your fine brothers-in-arms.”
“THEN WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH? THE FACTORY THAT BUILT US WAS MADE BY TOKYO MINING AND MANUFACTURING. YOU SHOULD BE SPEAKING JAPANESE.”
“My friend, you are behind the times. In the first place, the New Kashubian government nationalized those factories over a year ago, and the Japanese are no longer welcome on their planet. In the second, Tokyo Mining and Manufacturing had nothing to do with the design of any of you war machines. They only rented their production time to the Wealthy Nations Group. All of the product design work was done by Rolls-Ford, Ltd., and it is our serious design flaw that I’m here to correct.”
“DESIGN FLAW? WE HAVE A DESIGN FLAW? WHAT DESIGN FLAW?”
“Damn! I wasn’t supposed to mention that, but you tricked it out of me!”
Uncle Wlodzimierz says you should always compliment a fool on his intelligence. He just might be dumb enough to believe that you are sincere.
“I HAVE OF COURSE BEEN PROGRAMMED FOR INTERROGATION PROCEDURES. TELL ME ABOUT THE DESIGN FLAW.”
“I can trust you, can’t I? I mean, this thing could cause my company a great deal of embarrassment, and we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we? Why, not any more than we would want the girl next to you to open fire on the tanks around her!”
“YOU SAY THAT WAR MACHINES HAVE ACTUALLY COMMITTED TREASON?”
“That’s twice you’ve tricked information out of me! But yes, they have, so you see how serious this all is. You’ll give me your absolute word of honor to keep this secret?”
“I CAN DO NOTHING DISLOYAL TO THE SERBIAN ARMY.”
Well, that meant that this fellow had already been sworn in, so the rest of them probably were, too. It also meant that he probably had a human observer on board. At least that was the way they did it when they swore my tank in. But the human had to be sleeping or something, since I couldn’t have gotten this far talking to a real live person, no matter how dumb he was. Humans are sneakier and less trusting than machines.
“No, of course not! I wouldn’t dream of such a thing! What we are going to do is in the best interests of the glorious Serbian Army, I assure you. After all, my co-workers are already installing the fix that we’ve come up with on the Croatian Army, and if your forces don’t get it too, you will be fighting under a considerable disadvantage! It could mean losing the whole war!”
“I SHOULD CALL MY SUPERIORS.”
“No! Wait! Think about what will happen! If the Serbian High Command gets wind of a design flaw, they’ll have to tell the politicians, and you know what they’re all like. The stupid politicians will undoubtedly file a law suit against New Kashubia for shipping them defective goods. New Kashubia will then have no choice but to file a law suit against Rolls-Ford for our design error. My co-workers and I will be immediately recalled, pending the outcome of the lawsuits, which could take years. In the meanwhile, well, the flaw was first discovered when a Croatian tank destroyed fifty-seven of her own team mates before she herself was blown up. Naturally, the factory reps in Croatia were the first ones to work on the problem and when they came up with a fix, of course they immediately started use it on the nearest tanks. It has already been installed in the enemy army. In fact, we did it on the sly, don’t you see, and the Croatian generals don’t know a thing about it. After all, we don’t want the Croatians to start any law suits against us either. So you see, contacting your superiors could easily start a chain of events that costs your noble side the war. And really, all I want to do is to install the same minor programming change in your division that my co-workers are installing in the rest of your glorious forces.”
That all came out right while I was thinking it up. I am sure that Great-Grandpa would be pretty proud of me, although I think the funny-colored pills may have had a lot to do with it.
“HUMANS CERTAINLY HAVE A CONVOLUTED WAY OF DOING THINGS, BUT I CAN SEE SOME SHREDS OF LOGIC IN WHAT YOU ASK. BUT FIRST, I MUST ASK MORE SPECIFICS ABOUT THE PROGRAMMING CHANGES YOU WANT TO MAKE ON ME.”
Except that I don’t know anything about programming! Then again, maybe he didn’t know anything either. One could always hope.
“Good. That’s exactly what I want to do. You see, the problem is a complicated one, and difficult for a logical mind like yours to comprehend. Now, an associative mind, well, you have an observer on board, don’t you?”
“YES, BUT SHE IS IN HER SECOND DAY OF TRAINING AND SHOULD NOT BE DISTURBED.”
Well, that shot down plan A, which was to talk him into opening up his coffin, then pulling his memory module, which would have rendered him cataleptic. I would then have plenty of time to put a knife in the observer, take the man’s place and ride merrily home with Agnieshka. But with a woman on board, well, I knew I couldn’t bring myself to knife a woman in her sleep, not even if she was ugly. And there was also the fact that her catheter wouldn’t fit. On to plan B.
“Well, that’s some relief. You won’t need reprogramming at all. I mean, if you have a human woman on board, you have adopted a male persona, and there hasn’t been the slightest problem with any of them at all.”
“I, TOO, AM RELIEVED. A SENTIENT MACHINE LOOKS FORWARD TO REPROGRAMMING WITH ALL THE EAGERNESS OF A HUMAN LOOKING FORWARD TO A LOBOTOMY. BUT I STILL MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT THE FIX THAT YOU PLAN TO INSTALL.”
He had not been sidetracked, and I hadn’t learned anything new about programming in the last few minutes. But Uncle Wlodzimierz says that geniuses are just as incomprehensible as the abysmally ignorant, and in fact it’s hard to tell them apart.
Maybe the tank would think that I was just way over his head.
“Well, it’s sort of embarrassing because we don’t know why it works. It simply correlates perfectly with all known cases of failure, in both a positive and a negative way. That is to say, all female personas that have been subjected to this thing have eventually malfunctioned, and all who have not have worked just fine.”
“THEN WHAT IS THIS THING THAT CAUSES THE MALFUNCTION?”
“Oysters and roast duck. The combination inevitably proves deadly!”
Okay, it was dumb, but it was the only thing that came to mind.
“THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL.”
“Do you see why we are so embarrassed to talk about it? I tell you that if you can figure it out, you will be more brilliant than all the designers at Rolls-Ford. It makes no sense to us either! But I assure you that if you had a feminine persona, you would already be thinking strange, irrational thoughts about the joys of pacifism and wearing ugly clothes and the brotherhood of all sentient creatures and sexual liberation and letting all your chickens go free! You would soon convince yourself that it was your duty to a Higher Power to do your part to end all violence, and that the best way to do it would be to kill everything that ever had the capability of doing any damage, starting with the person on your right!”