However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extreme willful and positive, and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself to be once in an error. Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions; and swearing, not only to the truth, but cursing the whole company to hell if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow[23] at home, which gave as much milk at a meal, as would fill three thousand churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another time he was telling of an old sign-post[24] that belonged to his father, with nails and timber enough on it to build sixteen large men-of-war. Talking one day of Chinese wagons, which were made so light as to sail over mountains: ‘Z_ nds,’ said Peter, ‘where’s the wonder of that? By G__, I saw a large house of lime and stone [25] travel over sea and land (granting that it stopped sometimes to bait) above two thousand German leagues.’ And that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately all the while, that he never told a lie in his life; and at every word: ‘By G__, gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth; and the D___l broil them eternally that will not believe me.’
In short, Peter grew so scandalous that all the neighbourhood began in plain words to say, he was no better than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his ill usage, resolved at last to leave him; but first they humbly desired a copy of their father’s will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them damned sons of whores, rogues, traitors, and the rest of the vile names he could muster up.
However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will,[26] and took a copia vera, by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused; their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got should lie in common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was to break open the cellar-door and get a little good drink[27] to spirit and comfort their hearts. In copying the will, they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, and separate maintenance; upon which their next work[28] was to discard their concubines, and send for their wives. Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters a solicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he was a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged much better than his client; and discovered all the method of that imposture, in the same form I delivered it a while ago, advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the king.[29] In the midst of all this clutter and revolution, in comes Peter with a file of dragoons[30] at his heels, and gathering from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after several millions of scurrilities and curses, not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors[31] and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this.
1 That is, Purgatory.
2 Penance and absolution are played upon under the notion of a sovereign remedy for the worms, especially in the spleen, which by observing Peter’s prescription would void sensibly by perspiration, ascending through the brain, &c. W. WOTTON.
3 Here the author ridicules the penances of the Church of Rome, which may be made as easy to the sinner as he pleases, provided he will pay for them accordingly.
4 By his whispering-office, for the relief of eaves-droppers, physicians bawds, and privy-counsellors, he ridicules auricular confession, and the priest who takes it, is described by the ass’s head. W. WOTTON.
5 This I take to be the office of indulgences, the gross abuses whereof first gave occasion for the Reformation.
6 I believe are the monkeries and ridiculous processions, &c. among the papists.
7 Holy water, he calls an universal pickle, to preserve houses, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could preserve them as sound as insects in amber. W. WOTTON.
8 This is easily understood to be holy water, composed of the same ingredients with many other pickles.
9 And because holy water differs only in consecration from common water, therefore he tells us that his pickle by the powder of pimperlimpimp receives new virtues, though it differs not in sight nor smell from the common Pickles, which preserve beef, and butter, and herrings. W. WOTTON.
10 The papal bulls are ridiculed by name, so that here we are at no loss for the author’s meaning. W. WOTTON.
Ibid. Here the author has kept the name, and means the pope’s bulls, or rather his fulminations and excommunications of heretical princes, all signed with lead and the seal of the fisherman.
11 These are the fulminations of the pope threatening hell and damnation to those princes who offend him.
12 That is, kings who incur his displeasure.
13 This is a copy of a general pardon. signed Servus Servorum.
Ibid. Absolution in articulo mortis; and the tax camerae apostolicae, are jested upon in Emperor Peter’s letter. W. WOTTON.
14 The Pope is not only allowed to be the vicar of Christ, but by several divines is called God upon earth, and other blasphemous titles.
15 The triple crown.
16 The keys of the church.
Ibtd. The Pope’s universal monarchy, and his triple crown and fisher’s ring. W. WOTTON.
17 Neither does his arrogant way of requiring men to kiss his slipper escape reflection. W. WOTTON.
18 This word properly signifies a sudden jerk, or lash of a horse, when you do not expect it.
19 The celibacy of the Romish clergy is struck at in Peters beating his own and brothers’ wives out of doors. W. WOTTON.
20 The Pope’s refusing the cup to the laity, persuading them that the blood is contained in the bread, and that the bread is the real and entire body of Christ.
21 Transubstantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and according to the popish doctrine of concomitants, his wine too, which in his way he calls palming his damned crusts upon the brothers for mutton. W. WOTTON.
22 By this rupture is meant the Reformation.
23 The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary’s milk among the papists, under the allegory of a cow, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches. W. WOTTON.
24 By this sign-post is meant the cross of our Blessed Saviour.
25 The chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous inventions of popery: the Church of Rome intended by these things to gull silly, superstitious people, and rook them of their money; that the world had been too long in slavery, our ancestors gloriously redeemed us from that yoke. The Church of Rome therefore ought to be exposed, and he deserves well of mankind that does expose it. W. WOTTON.
Ibid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy Land to Italy.
26 Translated the scriptures into the vulgar tongues.
27 Administered the cup to the laity at the communion.
28 Allowed the marriages of priests.
29 Directed penitents not to trust to pardons and absolutions procured for money, but sent them to implore the mercy of God, from whence alone remission is to be obtained.
30 By Peter’s dragoons is meant the civil power which those princes who were bigoted to the Romish superstition, employed against the reformers.
31 The Pope shuts all who dissent from him out of the Church.
SECTION V. A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND
WE whom the world is pleased to honor with the title of modern authors, should never have been able to compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance, and never-dying fame, if our endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. This, O universe, is the adventurous attempt of me thy secretary:
—-Quemvis perferre laborem Suadet, & inducit noctes vigilare serenas.
To this end, I have some time since, with a world of pains and art, dissected the carcass of human nature, and read many useful lectures upon the several parts, both containing and contained; till at last it smelt so strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which, I have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with exact contexture, and in due symmetry; so that I am ready to show a very complete anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digress farther in the midst of a digression, as I have known some authors enclose digressions in one another, like a nest of boxes; I do affirm, that having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery, that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, instruction and diversion. And I have farther proved in my said several readings (which perhaps the world may one day see, if I can prevail on any friend to steal a copy, or on certain gentlemen of my admirers to be very importunate) that as mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater advantage by being diverted than instructed; his epidemical diseases being fastidiosity, amorphy, and oscitation; whereas in the present universal empire of wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for instruction. However, in compliance with a lesson of great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights; and accordingly throughout this divine treatise, have skillfully kneaded up both together with a layer of utile, and a layer of dulce.