Desunt non nulla.
The old Sclavonian proverb said well, that it is with rnen as with asses; whoever would keep them fast, must find a very good hold at their ears. Yet I think we may affirm, and it hath been verified by repeated experience, that,
Effugiet tamen hic sceleratus vincula Proteus.
It is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our ancestors, with great allowances to times and persons; for if we look into primitive records, we shall find, that no revolutions have been so great, or so frequent, as those of human ears. In former days, there was a curious invention to catch and keep them; which, I think, we may justly reckon among the artes perdite; and how can it be otherwise, when in these latter centuries the very species is not only diminished to a very lamentable degree, but the poor remainder is also degenerated so far as to mock our skilfullest tenure? For, if the only slitting of one ear in a stag hath been found sufficient to propagate the defect through a whole forest, why should we wonder at the greatest consequences, from so many loppings and mutilations, to which the ears of our fathers, and our own, have been of late so much exposed? ‘Tis true, indeed, that while this island of ours was under the dominion of grace, many endeavours were made to improve the growth of ears once more among us. The proportion of largeness was not only looked upon as an ornament of the outward man, but as a type of grace in the inward. Besides, it is held by naturalists, that if there be a protuberancy of parts in the superiour region of the body, as in the ears and nose. there must be a parity also in the inferior; and therefore in that truly pious age, the males in every assembly, according as they were gifted, appeared very forward in exposing their ears to view, and the regions about them; because Hippocrates tells us,[20] that when the vein behind the ear happens to be cut, a man becomes a eunuch: and the females were nothing backwarder in beholding and edifying by them; whereof those who had already used the means, looked about them with great concern, in hopes of conceiving a suitable offspring by such a prospect; others, who stood candidates for benevolence, found there a plentiful choice, and were sure to fix upon such as discovered the largest ears, that the breed might not dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter sisters, who looked upon all extraordinary dilatations of that member as protrusions of zeal, or spiritual excrescencies, were sure to honor every head they sat upon, as if they had been marks of grace; but especially that of the preacher, whose ears were usually of the prime magnitude; which upon that account, he was very frequent and exact in exposing with all advantages to the people: in his rhetorical paroxysms turning sometimes to hold forth the one, and sometimes to hold forth the other; from which custom, the whole operation of preaching is to this very day, among their professors, styled by the phrase of holding forth.
Such was the progress of the saints for advancing the size of that member; and it is thought the success would have been every way answerable, if in process of time a cruel king[21] had not arose, who raised a bloody persecution against all ears above a certain standard; upon which some were glad to hide their flourishing sprouts in a black border, others crept wholly under a periwig; some were slit, others cropped, and a great number sliced off to the stumps. But of this more hereafter in my general History of Ears, which I design very speedily to bestow upon the public.
From this brief survey of the falling state of ears in the last a e, and the small care had to advance their ancient growth in the present, it is manifest, how little reason we can have to rely upon a hold so short, so weak, and so slippery; and that whoever desires to catch mankind fast, must have recourse to some other methods. Now, he that will examine human nature with circumspection enough, may discover several handles whereof the six [22] senses afford one apiece, beside a great number that are screwed to the passions, and some few riveted to the intellect. Among these last, curiosity is one, and of all others affords the firmest grasp. curiosity, that spur in the side, that bridle in the mouth, that ring in the nose, of a lazy and impatient and a grunting reader. By this handle it is, that an author should seize upon his readers; which as soon as he has once compassed, all resistance and struggling are in vain, and they become his prisoners as close as he pleases, till weariness or dullness force him to let go his grip
And therefore, I, the author of this miraculous treatise, having hitherto, beyond expectation, maintained by the aforesaid handle a firm hold upon my gentle reader, it is with great reluctance, that I am at length compelled to remit my grasp, leaving them in the perusal of what remains to that natural oscitancy inherent in the tribe. I can only assure thee, courteous reader, for both our comforts, that my concern is altogether equal to thine, for my unhappiness in losing, or mislaying among my papers the remaining part of these memoirs; which consisted of accidents, turns, and adventures, both new, agreeable, and surprising; and therefore calculated, in all due points, to the delicate taste of this our noble age. But, alas, with my utmost endeavours, I have been able only to retain a few of the heads. Under which, there was a full account, how Peter got a protection out of the King’s Bench; and of a reconcilement [23] between Jack and him, upon a design they had in a certain rainy night, to trepan brother Martin into a spunging-house, and there strip him to the skin. How Martin, with much ado, showed them both a fair pair of heels. How a new warrant came out against Peter; upon which, how Jack left him in the lurch, stole his protection, and made use of it himself. How Jack’s tatters came into fashion in court and city, how he got upon a great horse,[24] and eat custard.[25] But the particulars of all these, with several others, which have now slid out of my memory, are lost beyond all hopes of recovery. For which misfortune, leaving my readers to condole with each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their several constitutions; but conjuring them by all the friendship that hath passed between us, from the title-page to this, not to proceed so far as to injure their healths for an accident past remedy; I now go on to the ceremonial part of an accomplished writer, and therefore, by a courtly modern, least of all others to be omitted.
1 By these are meant what the author calls the true critics (Section III ).
2 The author here lashes those pretenders to purity, who place so much merit in using Scripture phrase[s] on all occasions.
3 The Protestant dissenters use Scripture phrases in their serious discourses and composures more than the Church of England men; accordingly Jack is introduced making his common talk and conversation to run wholly in the phrase of his will. W. WOTTON.
4 I cannot guess the author’s meaning here, which I would be very glad to know, because it seems to be of importance.
(From Guthkelch & Smith: “The passage referred to is in Rev. xxii. II: ‘He which is filthy, let him be filthy still.’ This clause is omitted by the Codex Alexandrinus and six cursive MSS.” (Guthkelch & Smith, p. 191). -Singh, 1996.)
5 The slovenly way of receiving the sacrament among the fanatics.
6 This is a common phrase to express eating cleanlily, and is meant for an invective against that undecent manner among some people in receiving the sacraments so in the lines before ’tis said, Jack would never say grace to his meat, which is to be understood of the Dissenters refusing to kneel At the sacrament.
7 I cannot well find the author’s meaning here, unless it be the hot, untimely, blind zeal of enthusiasts.
8 From Swift’s 1720 Edition: “Predestination, the favorite doctrine of most dissenters, is here exposed. Dr. Wotton calls this a direct profanation of the majesty of God. (cited in Guthkelch & Smith, p.193). -Singh, 1996.
9 Vide Don Quixote.
10 From Swift’s 1720 Edition: “The dissenters are accused by those of our establish[ed] Church, as utter enemies to what we call order and regularity in matters of worship.” (cited in Guthkelch & Smith, p. 195). -Singh, 1996.
11 The villainies and cruelties committed by enthusiasts and fanatics among us were all performed under the disguise of religion and long prayers.