A thousand deaths by Jack London

At ten minutes to twelve I was called, and at twelve I was dressed

and on deck, relieving the man who had called me. On the sealing

grounds, when hove to, a watch of only a single man is kept

through the night, each man holding the deck for an hour. It was

a dark night, though not a black one. The gale was breaking up,

and the clouds were thinning. There should have been a moon, and,

though invisible, in some way a dim, suffused radiance came from

it. I paced back and forth across the deck amidships. My mind

was filled with the event of the day and with the horrible tales

my shipmates had told, and yet I dare to say, here and now, that I

was not afraid. I was a healthy animal, and furthermore,

intellectually, I agreed with Swinburne that dead men rise up

never. The Bricklayer was dead, and that was the end of it. He

would rise up never–at least, never on the deck of the Sophie

Sutherland. Even then he was in the ocean depths miles to

windward of our leeward drift, and the likelihood was that he was

already portioned out in the maws of many sharks. Still, my mind

pondered on the tales of the ghosts of dead men I had heard, and I

speculated on the spirit world. My conclusion was that if the

spirits of the dead still roamed the world they carried the

goodness or the malignancy of the earth-life with them.

Therefore, granting the hypothesis (which I didn’t grant at all),

the ghost of the Bricklayer was bound to be as hateful and

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malignant as he in life had been. But there wasn’t any

Bricklayer’s ghost–that I insisted upon.

A few minutes, thinking thus, I paced up and down. Then, glancing

casually for’ard, along the port side, I leaped like a startled

deer and in a blind madness of terror rushed aft along the poop,

heading for the cabin. Gone was all my arrogance of youth and my

intellectual calm. I had seen a ghost. There, in the dim light,

where we had flung the dead man overboard, I had seen a faint and

wavering form. Six-feet in length it was, slender, and of

substance so attenuated that I had distinctly seen through it the

tracery of the fore-rigging.

As for me, I was as panic-stricken as a frightened horse. I, as

I, had ceased to exist. Through me were vibrating the fibre-

instincts of ten thousand generations of superstitious forebears

who had been afraid of the dark and the things of the dark. I was

not I. I was, in truth, those ten thousand forebears. I was the

race, the whole human race, in its superstitious infancy. Not

until part way down the cabin-companionway did my identity return

to me. I checked my flight and clung to the steep ladder,

suffocating, trembling, and dizzy. Never, before nor since, have

I had such a shock. I clung to the ladder and considered. I

could not doubt my senses. That I had seen something there was no

discussion. But what was it? Either a ghost or a joke. There

could be nothing else. If a ghost, the question was: would it

appear again? If it did not, and I aroused the ship’s officers, I

would make myself the laughing stock of all on board. And by the

same token, if it were a joke, my position would be still more

ridiculous. If I were to retain my hard-won place of equality, it

would never do to arouse any one until I ascertained the nature of

the thing.

I am a brave man. I dare to say so; for in fear and trembling I

crept up the companion-way and went back to the spot from which I

had first seen the thing. It had vanished. My bravery was

qualified, however. Though I could see nothing, I was afraid to

go for’ard to the spot where I had seen the thing. I resumed my

pacing up and down, and though I cast many an anxious glance

toward the dread spot, nothing manifested itself. As my

equanimity returned to me, I concluded that the whole affair had

been a trick of the imagination and that I had got what I deserved

for allowing my mind to dwell on such matters.

Once more my glances for’ard were casual, and not anxious; and

then, suddenly, I was a madman, rushing wildly aft. I had seen

the thing again, the long, wavering attenuated substance through

which could be seen the fore-rigging. This time I had reached

only the break of the poop when I checked myself. Again I

reasoned over the situation, and it was pride that counselled

strongest. I could not afford to make myself a laughing-stock.

This thing, whatever it was, I must face alone. I must work it

out myself. I looked back to the spot where we had tilted the

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Bricklayer. It was vacant. Nothing moved. And for a third time

I resumed my amid-ships pacing.

In the absence of the thing my fear died away and my intellectual

poise returned. Of course it was not a ghost. Dead men did not

rise up. It was a joke, a cruel joke. My mates of the

forecastle, by some unknown means, were frightening me. Twice

already must they have seen me run aft. My cheeks burned with

shame. In fancy I could hear the smothered chuckling and laughter

even then going on in the forecastle. I began to grow angry.

Jokes were all very well, but this was carrying the thing too far.

I was the youngest on board, only a youth, and they had no right

to play tricks on me of the order that I well knew in the past had

made raving maniacs of men and women. I grew angrier and angrier,

and resolved to show them that I was made of sterner stuff and at

the same time to wreak my resentment upon them. If the thing

appeared again, I made my mind up that I would go up to it–

furthermore, that I would go up to it knife in hand. When within

striking distance, I would strike. If a man, he would get the

knife-thrust he deserved. If a ghost, well, it wouldn’t hurt the

ghost any, while I would have learned that dead men did rise up.

Now I was very angry, and I was quite sure the thing was a trick;

but when the thing appeared a third time, in the same spot, long,

attenuated, and wavering, fear surged up in me and drove most of

my anger away. But I did not run. Nor did I take my eyes from

the thing. Both times before, it had vanished while I was running

away, so I had not seen the manner of its going. I drew my

sheath-knife from my belt and began my advance. Step by step,

nearer and nearer, the effort to control myself grew more severe.

The struggle was between my will, my identity, my very self, on

the one hand, and on the other, the ten thousand ancestors who

were twisted into the fibres of me and whose ghostly voices were

whispering of the dark and the fear of the dark that had been

theirs in the time when the world was dark and full of terror.

I advanced more slowly, and still the thing wavered and flitted

with strange eerie lurches. And then, right before my eyes, it

vanished. I saw it vanish. Neither to the right nor left did it

go, nor backward. Right there, while I gazed upon it, it faded

away, ceased to be. I didn’t die, but I swear, from what I

experienced in those few succeeding moments, that I know full well

that men can die of fright. I stood there, knife in hand, swaying

automatically to the roll of the ship, paralysed with fear. Had

the Bricklayer suddenly seized my throat with corporeal fingers

and proceeded to throttle me, it would have been no more than I

expected. Dead men did rise up, and that would be the most likely

thing the malignant Bricklayer would do.

But he didn’t seize my throat. Nothing happened. And, since

nature abhors a status, I could not remain there in the one place

forever paralysed. I turned and started aft. I did not run.

What was the use? What chance had I against the malevolent world

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of ghosts? Flight, with me, was the swiftness of my legs. The

pursuit, with a ghost, was the swiftness of thought. And there

were ghosts. I had seen one.

And so, stumbling slowly aft, I discovered the explanation of the

seeming. I saw the mizzen topmast lurching across a faint

radiance of cloud behind which was the moon. The idea leaped in

my brain. I extended the line between the cloudy radiance and the

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