IPSWICH (n.)
The sound at the other end of the telephone which tells you that the automatic exchange is working very hard but is intending not actually to connect you this time, merely to let you know how difficult it is.
JARROW (adj.)
An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.
JAWCRAIG (n. medical)
A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really astounding piece of news. A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected 40,000 sheep in Whales in 1952.
JURBY (n.)
A loose woollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more armholes, knitted by the wearer’s well-meaning but incompetent aunt.
KALAMI (n.)
The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
KANTURK (n.)
An extremely intricate knot originally used for belaying the topgallant foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, and now more commonly observed when trying to get an old kite out of the cupboard under the stairs.
KEELE (adj.)
The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
KELLING (participial vb.)
A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of re-looking in all the places they have looked once already, is said to be kelling.
KENT (adj.)
Politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the contrary. Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are good at something watching someone else who can’t do it at all.
KENTUCKEY (adv.)
Fitting exactly and satisfyingly. The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit ‘real nice and kentuckey’.
KERRY (n.)
The small twist of skin which separated each sausage on a string.
KETTERING (n.) The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.
KETTLENESS (adj.)
The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
KIBBLESWORTH (n.)
The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes priced at Ł19.99 is 1p.
KIMMERIDGE (n.)
The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are stretched out sunbathing.
KINGSTON BAGPUISE (n.)
A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.
KIRBY (n.)
Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person’s face or clothing. See also CHIPPING ONGAR.
KIRBY MISPERTON (n.)
One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another’s face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a ‘kirby misperton’.
KITMURVY (n.)
Man who owns all the latest sporting gadgetry and clothing (gold trolley, tee cosies, ventilated shoes, Gary Player-autographed tracksuit top, American navy cap, mirror sunglasses) but is still only on his second gold lesson.
KNOPTOFT (n.)
The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.
KURDISTAN (n.)
Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, ‘Sorry, wrong number.’
LAMLASH (n.)
The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull information.
LARGOWARD (n.)
Motorists’ name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it’s their right of way.
LE TOUQUET (n.)
A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un touquet is often defined as the difference between the cost of a bottle of gin bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free shop.
LIFF (n.)
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. ‘This book will change your life’.
LIMERIGG (vb.)
To jar one’s leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn’t there in the darkness.
LINDISFARNE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.
LISTOWEL (n.)
The small mat on the bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar, but not as absorbent as your elbows.