SMEARISARY (n.)
The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath. From the name of a character not in Dickens.
SNEEM (n.,vb.)
Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed company when question, ‘Mummy, what’s this?’ appears to require the answer,’ Er…it’s a rubber johnny, darling’.
SNITTER (n.)
One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.
SNITTERBY (n.)
Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)
SNITTERFIELD (n.)
Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!’ and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)
SOLENT (adj.)
Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.
SOTTERLEY (n,)
Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it’s raining.
SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)
That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.
SPOFFORTH (vb.)
To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.
SPROSTON GREEN (n.)
The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees’s jackets, worn when he thinks he’s being elegant.
STEBBING (n.)
The erection you cannot conceal because you’re not wearing a jacket.
STOKE POGES (n.)
The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.
STURRY (n.,vb.)
A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.
SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)
Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. ‘Sutton’ is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, ‘cheam’ the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious dinner parties.
SWANAGE (pl.n.)
Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn’t work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying ‘Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table’ (very unwise); (d) saying ‘Christ, who did that?’ (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.
SWANIBOST (adj.)
Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.
SYMOND’S YAT (n.)
The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.
TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)
The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who’ve already got their drinks.
TAMPA (n.)
The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.
TAROOM (vb.)
To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.
TEGUCIGALPA (n.)
An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.