THEAKSTONE (n.)
Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.
THROCKING (participial vb.)
The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something. Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on ‘Someone Save My Life Tonight’ from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.
THROUCKMORTON (n.)
The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.
THRUMSTRER (n.)
The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he’s (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.
THRUPP (vb.)
To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.
THURNBY (n.)
A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.
TIBSHELF (n.)
Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl’s bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.
TIDPIT (n.)
The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.
TIGHARRY (n.)
The accomplice or ‘lure’ who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very easily.
TILLICOULTRY (n.)
The man-to-man chumminess adopted by an employer as a prelude for telling an employee that he’s going to have to let him go.
TIMBLE (vb.)
(Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who’s about, and then yell blue murder.
TINCLETON (n.)
A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in mid-pee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.
TINGRITH (n.)
The feeling of silver paper against your fillings.
TODBER (n.)
One whose idea of a good time is to stand behind his front hedge and give surly nods to people he doesn’t know.
TODDING (vb.)
The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.
TOLOB (n.)
A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves getting out of bed an largely remaking it.
TOLSTACHAOLAIS (phr.)
What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.
TOOTING BEC (n.)
A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there is no one inside.
TORLUNDY (n.) Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.
TORONTO (n.) Generic term for anything which comes out of a gush despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into a white sauce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human being, etc.
TOTTERIDGE (n.)
The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.
TRANTLEMORE (vb.) To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.
TREWOFFE (n.)
A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the edoge of a door porch waiting for what it judges to be the correct moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend ‘The Treewofe of Damocles’.
TRISPEN (n.) A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.
TROSSACHS (pl.n.) The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.
TUAMGRANEY (n.) A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over the mantelpiece to prove they’ve been to Africa.
TULSA (n.)