ARDSCALPSIE (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your hair.
ARDSCULL (n.)
Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie (q.v.).
ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)
Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.
ARTICLAVE (n.)
A clever architectural construction designed to give the illusion from the top deck of a bus that it is far too big for the road.
AYNHO (vb.)
Of waiters, never to have a pen.
BABWORTH
Something which justifies having a really good cry.
BALDOCK
The sharp prong on the top of a tree stump where the tree has snapped off before being completely sawn through.
BALLYCUMBER
One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.
BANFF
Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.
BANTEER
A lusty and raucous old ballad sung after a particulary spectacular araglin (q.v.) has been pulled off.
BARSTIBLEY
A humorous device such as a china horse or small naked porcelain infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.
BAUGHURST
That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.
BAUMBER
A fitted elasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress bananashaped.
BEALINGS
The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders, soup made from bealins was a very slightly sought-after delicacy.
BEAULIEU HILL
The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.
BECCLES
The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed guerrilla dentist.
BEDFONT
A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the chamber-maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your bottom sheet.
BELPER
A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under a deck’s top, under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt.
BENBURB
The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.
BEREPPER
The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty, which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough to be confused with one).
BERKHAMSTED
The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of cottage cheese for breakfast.
BERY POMEROY
1. The shape of a gourmet’s lips. 2. The droplet of saliva which hangs from them.
BILBSTER
A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with sticking plaster and pretend you’ve cut yourself shaving.
BISHOP’S CAUNDLE
An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
BLEAN
Scientific measure of luminosity : 1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans. Usherettes’ torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans, enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.
BLITHBURY
A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes.
BLITTERLESS
The little slivers of bamboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous guest which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair’s owner that the whole piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly until it resembles a giant pencil sharpening.
BODMIN
The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.
BOLSOVER
One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in boxes of chocolates to make you think you’re-getting two layers.
BONKLE
Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the night, particularly at about five o’clock in the morning.
BOOLTEENS
The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p’s which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the world’s money supply.