He shook his head. “I’m not brave. I’m anything but. I just did the only thing I could think to do to help us escape.” She was staring at him as if he were transparent. He felt exposed and vulnerable. He didn’t like the idea of her thinking of him as something he knew he wasn’t.
She pulled him against one of the walls and leaned into him, still holding tightly to his hands. “Tell me what’s bothering you,” she said quietly. She fixed him with her violet eyes. “It’s all right.”
Strangely enough, he felt it was. Not only right, but necessary. He wanted to tell her what he was hiding about himself, to confide in her the truth of his cowardice, to open himself and let out the terrible hurt he was carrying, to rid himself of its burden. There, deep underground, shut away with her by the magic of the phoenix stone, he felt he could.
He forced himself to meet her intense gaze as he spoke. “When we went into the ruins and were attacked, I panicked,” he said. “While the others stood and fought, I ran. I threw down my sword, and I ran.” He swallowed against the bitterness of his words. “I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help myself. All I could think about was saving my life, finding a way to stay alive. Joad Rish was bending down to help one of the Elven Hunters, one of Ard Patrinell’s men, and I saw him cut apart by fire threads, his head-“
He choked on the words and had to stop. Ryer’s free hand touched his cheek. “Don’t you think they all felt as you did, Ahren?” she asked him. “Don’t you think they all did whatever they could to stay alive? The Elven Hunters fought back because that’s what they knew to do, not because of a code of conduct or a special kind of courage. Joad Rish tried to heal an injured man because that was what he could do. You ran, Ahren, because staying with the others would have gotten you killed and you didn’t want that. You did what you could.”
“Except that your vision showed that Antrax let me live, that I was kept alive on purpose!” he said bitterly.
Her smile was warm and gently remonstrative. “You didn’t know that then, did you? What we do in any situation is based on what we know. I ran to Walker’s aid in the maze. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t stop to reason it out, I didn’t consider what I was doing. I reacted in the only way I knew to react. That’s all we can do.”
“At least you ran in the right direction.”
“Did I?” she asked softly.
There was such sadness in her voice, such pain, that it stopped him momentarily. He stared at her, confused. She was telling him something important, but he didn’t know what it was.
“Let go of my hands,” she told him.
“But if the magic-“
“I know.” She stopped him with the fingers of one hand pressed against his lips. “But we need to know what happens if we do. There may come a time when it is necessary, when we have to fight. Let’s test it now, while we’re alone and safe.”
He hesitated a moment, then did as she asked, releasing her other hand. Nothing changed. The magic continued to envelop them, cloaking them like forest mist in twilight, the swirling gray unchanged.
Ryer Ord Star put her hands in her lap and rocked back on her heels, facing him. “You told me your secret, Ahren. I will do the same for you. I will tell you mine. If you want to hear it.”
There was a darkness to her words that frightened him, a promise of something unpleasant. “You don’t have to tell me anything unless you want to.”
“I know.”
He waited a moment, then nodded. “All right.”
She lifted her chin slightly, as if facing up to something she did not want to, a confession of truths she would just as soon avoid. The gesture was a telling one, defiant and brave. It made Ahren feel something for her that hadn’t been there before. Respect, perhaps. Admiration.