She wore an Empire garment of pale chartreuse, its pleated skirt streaming gracefully from its high waistline; one could not tell at first glance whether it was an evening gown or a negligee; it was a negligee.
She paused in the doorway, the lines of her body flowing into an attractive silhouette against the light.
“I know I shouldn’t introduce myself to a stranger,” she said softly, “but I’ll have to: my name is Mrs. Rearden.” He could not tell whether it was sarcasm or a plea.
She entered and threw the door closed with a casual, imperious gesture, the gesture of an owner.
“What is it, Lillian?” he asked quietly.
“My dear, you mustn’t confess so much so bluntly”—she moved in a leisurely manner across the room, past his bed, and sat down in an armchair—”and so unflatteringly. It’s an admission that I need to show special cause for taking your time. Should I make an appointment through your secretary?”
He stood in the middle of the room, holding the cigarette at his lips, looking at her. volunteering no answer.
She laughed. “My reason is so unusual that I know it will never occur to you: loneliness, darling. Do you mind throwing a few crumbs of your expensive attention to a beggar? Do you mind if I stay here without any formal reason at all?”
“No,” he said quietly, “not if you wish to.”
“I have nothing weighty to discuss—no million-dollar orders, no transcontinental deals, no rails, no bridges. Not even the political situation. I just want to chatter like a woman about perfectly unimportant things.”
“Go ahead.”
“Henry, there’s no better way to stop me, is there?” She had an air of helpless, appealing sincerity. “What can I say after that? Suppose I wanted to tell you about the new novel which Balph Eubank is writing—he is dedicating it to me—would that interest you?”
“If it’s the truth that you want—not in the least.”
She laughed. “And if it’s not the truth that I want?”
“Then I wouldn’t know what to say,” he answered—and felt a rush of blood to his brain, tight as a slap, realizing suddenly the double infamy of a lie uttered in protestation of honesty; he had said it sincerely, but it implied a boast to which he had no right any longer. “Why would you want it, if it’s not the truth?” he asked. “What for?”
“Now you see, that’s the cruelty of conscientious people. You wouldn’t understand it—would you?—if I answered that real devotion consists of being willing to lie, cheat and fake in order to make another person happy—to create for him the reality he wants, if he doesn’t like the one that exists.”
“No,” he said slowly, “I wouldn’t understand it.”
“It’s really very simple. If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It’s no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. But if you tell an ugly woman that she is beautiful, you offer her the great homage of corrupting the concept of beauty. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She’s earned it, it’s a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake—and that is a real tribute of love, because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self-esteem.”
He looked at her blankly. It sounded like some sort of monstrous corruption that precluded the possibility of wondering whether anyone could mean it; he wondered only what was the point of uttering it.
“What’s love, darling, if it’s not self-sacrifice?” she went on lightly, in the tone of a drawing-room discussion. “What’s self-sacrifice, unless one sacrifices that which is one’s most precious and most important? But I don’t expect you to understand it. Not a stainless-steel Puritan like you.
That’s the immense selfishness of the Puritan. You’d let the whole world perish rather than soil that immaculate self of yours with a single spot of which you’d have to be ashamed.”
He said slowly, his voice oddly strained and solemn, “I have never claimed to be immaculate.”
She laughed. “And what is it you’re being right now? You’re giving me an honest answer, aren’t you?” She shrugged her naked shoulders.
“Oh, darling, don’t take me seriously! I’m just talking.”
He ground his cigarette into an ashtray; he did not answer.
“Darling,” she said, “I actually came here only because I kept thinking that I had a husband and I wanted to find out what he looked like.”
She studied him as he stood across the room, the tall, straight, taut lines of his body emphasized by the single color of the dark blue pajamas.
“You’re very attractive,” she said. “You look so much better—these last few months. Younger. Should I say happier? You look less tense.
Oh, I know you’re rushed more than ever and you act like a commander in an air raid, but that’s only the surface. You’re less tense—inside.”
He looked at her, astonished. It was true; he had not known it, had not admitted it to himself. He wondered at her power of observation.
She had seen little of him in these last few months. He had not entered her bedroom since his return from Colorado. He had thought that she would welcome their isolation from each other. Now he wondered what motive could have made her so sensitive to a change in him—unless it was a feeling much greater than he had ever suspected her of experiencing.
“I was not aware of it,” he said.
“It’s quite becoming, dear—and astonishing, since you’ve been having such a terribly difficult time.”
He wondered whether this was intended as a question. She paused, as if waiting for an answer, but she did not press it and went on gaily: “I know you’re having all sorts of trouble at the mills—and then the political situation is getting to be ominous, isn’t it? If they pass those laws they’re talking about, it will hit you pretty hard, won’t it?”
“Yes. It will. But that is a subject which is of no interest to you, Lillian, is it?”
“Oh, but it is!” She raised her head and looked straight at him; her eyes had the blank, veiled look he had seen before, a look of deliberate mystery and of confidence in his inability to solve it. “It is of great interest to me . . . though not because of any possible financial losses,” she added softly.
He wondered, for the first time, whether her spite, her sarcasm, the cowardly manner of delivering insults under the protection of a smile, were not the opposite of what he had always taken them to be—not a method of torture, but a twisted form of despair, not a desire to make him suffer, but a confession of her own pain, a defense for the pride of an unloved wife, a secret plea—so that the subtle, the hinted, the evasive in her manner, the thing begging to be understood, was not the open malice, but the hidden love. He thought of it, aghast. It made his guilt greater than he had ever contemplated.
“If we’re talking politics, Henry, I had an amusing thought. The side you represent—what is that slogan you all use so much, the motto you’re supposed to stand for? ‘The sanctity of contract’—is that it?”
She saw his swift glance, the intentness of his eyes, the first response of something she had struck, and she laughed aloud.
“Go on,” he said; his voice was low; it had the sound of a threat.
“Darling, what for?—since you understood me quite well.”
“What was it you intended to say?” His voice was harshly precise and without any color of feeling.
“Do you really wish to bring me to the humiliation of complaining?
It’s so trite and such a common complaint—although I did think I had a husband who prides himself on being different from lesser men. Do you want me to remind you that you once swore to make my happiness the aim of your life? And that you can’t really say in all honesty whether I’m happy or unhappy, because you haven’t even inquired whether I exist?”
He felt them as a physical pain—all the things that came tearing at him impossibly together. Her words were a plea, he thought—and he felt the dark, hot flow of guilt. He felt pity—the cold ugliness of pity without affection. He felt a dim anger, like a voice he tried to choke, a voice crying in revulsion: Why should I deal with her rotten, twisted lying?—why should I accept torture for the sake of pity?—why is it I who should have to take the hopeless burden of trying to spare a feeling she won’t admit, a feeling I can’t know or understand or try to guess?