Quilan smiled too, though more as a polite response. ‘What does not change, Custodian, is that the only thing I really wish for with any sincerity or passion now is death.’
‘It is hard to believe, feeling as you do at the moment, that there will come a time when life seems good and worthwhile, but it will come.
‘No, Custodian. I don’t think it will. Because I wouldn’t want to be the person who had felt as I do now and then walked – or drifted – away from that feeling until things felt better. That is precisely my problem. I prefer the idea of death to what I feel just now, but I would prefer to feel the way I do now for ever than to feel better, because feeling better would mean that I am not the one who loved her any more, and I could not bear that.’
He looked at the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Fronipel sat back, blinking. ‘You must believe that even that can change and it will not mean you love her less.’
Quilan felt almost as good at that point as he had since they had told him Worosei was dead. It was not pleasure, but it was a sort of lightness, a kind of clarity. He felt that he had at last come to some sort of decision, or was just about to. ‘I can’t believe that, Custodian.’
‘Then what, Tibilo? Is your life to be submerged in grief until you die? Is that what you want? Tibilo, I see no sign of it in you, but there can be a form of vanity in grief that is indulged rather than suffered. I have seen people who find that grief gives them something they never had before, and no matter how terrible and real their loss they choose to hug that awfulness to them rather than push it away. I would hate to see you even seem to resemble such emotional masochists.’
Quilan nodded. He tried to appear calm, but a frightful anger had coursed through him as the older male had spoken. He knew Fronipel meant well, and was sincere when he said that he did not think Quilan was not such a person, but even to be compared to such selfishness, such indulgence, made him almost shake with fury.
‘I would have hoped to have died with honour before such a charge might be levelled against me.’
‘Is that what you wish, Tibilo? To die?’
‘It has come to seem the best course. The more I think about it, the better it becomes.’
‘And suicide, we are told, leads to utter oblivion.’
The old religion had been ambivalent about taking one s own life. It had never been encouraged, but different views of its rights and wrongs had been taken over the generations. Since the advent of a real and provable heaven, it had been firmly discouraged – following a rash of mass suicides – by the Chelgrian-Puen, who made it clear that those who killed themselves just to get to heaven more quickly would not be allowed in there at all. They would be not even be held in limbo; they would not be saved at all. Not all suicides would necessarily be treated so severely, but the impression was very much that you’d better have an unimpeachable reason for showing up at the gates of paradise with your own blood on your hands.
‘There would be little honour in that anyway, Custodian. I would rather die usefully.’
‘In battle?’
‘Preferably.’
‘There is no great tradition of such martial severity in your family, Tibilo.’
Quilan’s family had been landowners, traders, bankers and insurers for a thousand years. He was the first son to carry any- thing more lethal than a ceremonial weapon for generations.
‘Perhaps it’s time such a tradition started.’
‘The war is over, Tibilo.’
‘There are always wars.
‘They are not always honourable.’
‘One may die a dishonourable death in an honourable war. Why should the converse not apply?’
‘And yet we are here in a monastery, not the briefing room of a barracks.’
‘I came here to think, Custodian. I never did renounce my commission.
‘Are you determined to return to the Army, then?’
‘I believe I am.’
Fronipel looked into the younger male’s eyes for some time. Finally, straightening himself in his side of the curl-chair, he said, ‘You are a major, Quilan. A major who would lead his troops when he wishes only to die might be a dangerous officer indeed.’
‘I would not want to force my decision on anyone else, Custodian.~
‘That is easily said, Tibilo.’
‘I know, and it is not so easily done. But I am not in any hurry to die. I am quite prepared to wait until I can be quite certain I am doing the right thing.’
The old monk sat back, taking off his glasses and extracting a grubby-looking grey rag from a waistcoat. He breathed on the two large lenses in turn and then polished each. He inspected them. Quilan thought they looked no better than when he had started. He put them back with some care and then blinked at Quilan.
‘This is, you realise, Major, something of a change.’
Quilan nodded. ‘It feels more like a .. . like a clarification,’ he said. ‘Sir.’
The old male nodded slowly.
U agen Zlepe, scholar, was preparing an infusion of jhagel leaves when 974 Praf suddenly appeared on the window ledge of the small kitchen.
The simian-adapted human and the fifth-order Decider-turned Interpreter had returned to the dirigible behemothaur Yoleus without mishap after retrieving the errantglyph stylo and spot- ting whatever it was they had spotted all that way below them in the airsphere’s blue, blue depths. 974 Praf had immediately flown off to report to her superior. Uagen had decided to have a snooze after all the excitement. This proved difficult, so he forced himself to sleep with some glanded shush. On waking, after exactly one hour, he had smacked his lips and come to the conclusion that some jhagel tea might be in order.
The circular window of his little kitchen looked out across the sloping forest that was Yoleus’ upper forward surface. The window had a series of gauzy curtains he could fasten over it, but he usually left those gathered to each side. The view had once been wonderful and airy but for the last three years it had been in shadow beneath the looming bulk of Muetenive, Yoleus’ prospective mate. Yoleus’ skin foliage was starting to look shrunken and anaemic in the shade of the other creature. Uagen sighed and began the process of making the infusion.
The ihagel leaves were very precious to him. He had only brought a few kilos from home; he had about a third of that amount left now and he’d been rationing himself to one cup every twenty days to eke out his supply. He should have brought seeds as well, he supposed, but somehow he’d for- gotten.
Making the infusion had become something of a ritual for Uagen. Jhagel tea was supposed to be calming, however it had occurred to him that the process of making it was itself quite relaxing. Perhaps when his supply was entirely gone he ought to go through the motions with some placebo mixture – stopping short of actually drinking it – to observe what degree of tranquillity might be induced just by the ceremony of preparation.
Frowning with concentration, he began to transfer some of the steaming pale green infusion into a warmed cup through a deep container which held twenty-three graduated layers of filters, variously chilled to between four and twenty-four degrees below.
Then Interpreter 974 Praf thudded onto his window ledge without warning. Uagen gave a start. Some of the hot liquid splashed over his hand.
‘Ow! Umm. Hello, Praf. Umm, yes; ow.
He put the strainer and the pot down, then placed his hand under cold running water.
The creature hopped through the circular window, keeping its leathery wings tightly folded. In the small scullery, it suddenly seemed very big.
It looked at the puddle of splashed infusion. ‘A time for dropping,’ it observed.
‘Eh? Oh, yes,’ Uagen said. He looked at his reddened hand. ‘What can I do for you, Praf?’ ‘The Yoleus would talk with you.’ This was unusual. ‘What, now?’ ‘Immediately.’ ‘What, face to – umm, well .. . ‘Yes.’
Uagen felt just a little frightened. He could do with some calming down. He pointed at the pot simmering on his little cooker. ‘What about my jhagel tea?’
974 Praf looked at it, then him. ‘Its presence is not required.’
‘Are you sure, Yoleus? Umm. I mean, well …‘
‘Sufficiently sure. Do you desire a percentage to be expressed?’
‘No. No, no need for that, it’s just. This is awfully. I’m not sure that. It’s very.
‘Uagen Zlepe, scholar, you are not finishing your sentences.’
‘Amn’t I? Well, I mean.’ Uagen felt himself go gulp. ‘Do you really think I need to go down there?’