The D of S did have a lot of cards, cases and cases of them, all neatly filed and alphabetized. In no time at all Bill had found one with a description that fitted him fairly closely, issued in the name of one Wilhelm Stuzzicadenti, and showed it to the inspector.
“Very good, glad to have you with us, Villy …”
“Just call me Bill.”
“… and welcome to the service, Bill, we are always undermanned down here, and you can have your pick of jobs, yes indeed, depending of course upon your talents-and your interests. When you think of sanitation what comes to your mind?”
“Garbage.”
The inspector sighed. “That’s the usual reaction, but I had expected better of you. Garbage is just one thing our Collection Division has to deal with, in addition there are Refuse, Waste, and Rubbish. Then there are whole other departments, Hall Cleaning, Plumbing Repair, Research, Sewage Disposal … “
“That last one sounds real interesting. Before I was forcefully enlisted I was taking a correspondence course in Technical Fertilizer Operating.”
“Why that’s wonderful! You must tell me more about it, but sit down first, get comfortable.” He led Bill to a deep, upholstered chair, then turned away to extract two plastic cartons from a dispenser. “And have a cooling Alco-Jolt while you’re talking.”
“There’s not much to say. I never finished my course, and it appears now I will never satisfy my lifelong ambition and operate fertilizer. Maybe your Sewage Disposal department … ?”
“I’m sorry. It is heartbreaking, since that’s right down your alley too, so to speak, but if there is one operation that doesn’t give us any problem, it’s sewage, because it’s mostly automated. We’re proud of our sewage record because it’s a big one; there must be over 150 billion people on Helior …”
“WOW!”
“… you’re right, I can see that glow in your eye. That is a lot of sewage, and I hope sometime to have the honor of showing you through our plant. But remember, where there is sewage there must be food, and with Helior importing all its food we have a closed-circle operation here that is a sanitary engineer’s dream. Ships from the agricultural planets bring in the processed food which goes out to the populace where it starts through, what might be called the chain of command. We get the effluvium and process it, the usual settling and chemical treatments, anaerobic bacteria and the like-I’m not boring you am I?”
“No, please …” Bill said, smiling and flicking away a tear with a knuckle, “it’s just that I’m so happy, I haven’t had an intelligent conversation in so long …”
“I can well imagine-it must be brutalizing in the service,” he clapped Bill on the shoulder, a hearty stout-fellow-well-met gesture. “Forget all that, you’re among friends now. Where was I? Oh yes, the bacteria, then dehydration and compression. We produce one of the finest bricks of condensed fertilizer in the civilized galaxy and I’ll stand up to any man on that “
“I’m sure you do!” Bill agreed fervently.
“-and automated belts and lifts carry the bricks to the spaceports where they are loaded into the spaceships as fast as they are emptied. A full load for a full load, that’s our motto. And I’ve heard that on some poor-soiled planets they cheer when the ships come home. No, we can’t complain about our, sewage operation; it is in the other departments that we have our problems.” Inspector Jeyes drained his container and sat scowling, his pleasure drained just as fast. “No, don’t do that!” he barked as Bill finished his drink and started to pitch the empty container at the wall-disposal chute.
“Didn’t mean to snap,” the inspector apologized, “but that’s our big problem. Refuse. Did you ever think how many newspapers 150 billion people throw away every day? Or how many disposa-steins? Or dinner plates? We’re working on this problem in research, day and night, but it’s getting ahead of us. It’s a nightmare. That Alco-Jolt container you’re holding is one of our answers, but it’s just a drop of water in the ocean.”
As the last drops of liquid evaporated from the container it began to writhe obscenely in Bill’s hand, and, horrified, he dropped it to the floor, where it continued to twitch and change form, collapsing and flattening before his eyes.