This is my last chance to back out, he thinks. After this it’s all aboard and heigh-ho for the . . . the wherever.
But even that is a lie, he realizes. Dale will be looking for him at the police station on Sumner Street by noon. Fred Marshall is coming to Jack’s place at three o’clock and they are going to see the Mad Housewife of Robin Hood Lane. The backout point has already come and gone. Jack still isn’t sure how it happened, but it looks like he’s back in harness. And if Henry Leyden has the temerity to congratulate him on this, Jack thinks, he’ll probably kick Henry’s blind ass for him.
A voice from his dream whispers up from beneath the floorboards of Jack’s consciousness like a whiff of rotten air—I’ll strew your guts from Racine to La Riviere—but this bothers him less than the madness inherent in the sugar-pack stamps and the laboriously printed letters of his old nickname. He has dealt with crazies before. Not to mention his share of threats.
He sits down on the steps with the sneaker box on his thighs. Beyond him, in the north field, all is still and gray. Bunny Boettcher, son of Tom Tom, came and did the second cutting only a week ago, and now a fine mist hangs above the ankle-high stubble. Above it, the sky has just begun to brighten. Not a single cloud as yet marks its calm no-color. Somewhere a bird calls out. Jack breathes deeply and thinks, If this is where I go out, I could do worse. A lot worse.
Then, very carefully, he takes the lid off the box and sets it aside. Nothing explodes. But it looks as if someone has filled the New Balance sneaker box with night. Then he realizes that it’s been packed with shiny black crow feathers, and his arms roughen with goose bumps.
He reaches toward them, then hesitates. He wants to touch those feathers about as much as he’d want to touch the corpse of a half-decayed plague victim, but there’s something beneath them. He can see it. Should he get some gloves? There are gloves in the front hall closet—
“Fuck the gloves,” Jack says, and dumps the box onto the brown paper wrapping lying beside him on the porch. There’s a flood of feathers, which swirl a bit even in the perfectly still morning air. Then a thump as the object around which the feathers were packed lands on Jack’s porch. The smell hits Jack’s nose a moment later, an odor like rotting baloney.
Someone has delivered a child’s bloodstained sneaker chez Sawyer on Norway Valley Road. Something has gnawed at it pretty briskly, and even more briskly at what’s inside it. He sees a lining of bloody white cotton—that would be a sock. And inside the sock, tatters of skin. This is a child’s New Balance sneaker with a child’s foot inside it, one that has been badly used by some animal.
He sent it, Jack thinks. The Fisherman.
Taunting him. Telling him If you want in, come on in. The water’s fine, Jacky-boy, the water is fine.
Jack gets up. His heart is hammering, the beats now too close together to count. The beads of sweat on his forehead have swelled and broken and gone running down his face like tears, his lips and hands and feet are numb . . . yet he tells himself he is calm. That he has seen worse, much worse, piled up against bridge abutments and freeway underpasses in L.A. Nor is this his first severed body part. Once, in 1997, he and his partner Kirby Tessier found a single testicle sitting on top of a toilet tank in the Culver City public library like an ancient soft-boiled egg. So he tells himself he is calm.
He gets up and walks down the porch steps. He walks past the hood of his burgundy-colored Dodge Ram with the world-class sound system inside; he walks past the bird hotel he and Dale put up at the edge of the north field a month or two after Jack moved into this, the most perfect house in the universe. He tells himself he is calm. He tells himself that it’s evidence, that’s all. Just one more loop in the hangman’s noose that the Fisherman will eventually put around his own neck. He tells himself not to think of it as part of a kid, part of a little girl named Irma, but as Exhibit A. He can feel dew wetting his sockless ankles and the cuffs of his pants, knows that any sort of extended stroll through the hay stubble is going to ruin a five-hundred-dollar pair of Gucci loafers. And so what if it does? He’s rich well beyond the point of vulgarity; he can have as many shoes as Imelda Marcos, if he wants. The important thing is he’s calm. Someone brought him a shoe box with a human foot inside it, laid it on his porch in the dark of night, but he’s calm. It’s evidence, that’s all. And he? He is a coppiceman. Evidence is his meat and drink. He just needs to get a little air, needs to clear his nose of the rotted baloney smell that came puffing out of the box—
Jack makes a strangled gagging, urking sound and begins to hurry on a little faster. There is a sense of approaching climax growing in his mind (my calm mind, he tells himself). Something is getting ready to break . . . or change . . . or change back.
That last idea is particularly alarming and Jack begins to run across the field, knees lifting higher, arms pumping. His passage draws a dark line through the stubble, a diagonal that starts at the driveway and might end anywhere. Canada, maybe. Or the North Pole. White moths, startled out of their dew-heavy morning doze, flutter up in lacy swirls and then slump back into the cut stubble.
He runs faster, away from the chewed and bloody sneaker lying on the porch of the perfect house, away from his own horror. But that sense of coming climax stays with him. Faces begin to rise in his mind, each with its own accompanying snippet of sound track. Faces and voices he has ignored for twenty years or more. When these faces rise or those voices mutter, he has until now told himself the old lie, that once there was a frightened boy who caught his mother’s neurotic terror like a cold and made up a story, a grand fantasy with good old Mom-saving Jack Sawyer at its center. None of it was real, and it was forgotten by the time he was sixteen. By then he was calm. Just as he’s calm now, running across his north field like a lunatic, leaving that dark track and those clouds of startled moths behind him, but doing it calmly.
Narrow face, narrow eyes under a tilted white paper cap: If you can run me out a keg when I need one, you can have the job. Smokey Updike, from Oatley, New York, where they drank the beer and then ate the glass. Oatley, where there’d been something in the tunnel outside of town and where Smokey had kept him prisoner. Until—
Prying eyes, false smile, brilliant white suit: I’ve met you before, Jack . . . where? Tell me. Confess. Sunlight Gardener, an Indiana preacher whose name had also been Osmond. Osmond in some other world.
The broad, hairy face and frightened eyes of a boy who wasn’t a boy at all: This is a bad place, Jacky, Wolf knows. And it was, it was a very bad place. They put him in a box, put good old Wolf in a box, and finally they killed him. Wolf died of a disease called America.
“Wolf!” the running man in the field gasps. “Wolf, ah, God, I’m sorry!”
Faces and voices, all those faces and voices, rising in front of his eyes, dinning into his ears, demanding to be seen and heard, filling him with that sense of climax, every defense on the verge of being washed away like a breakwater before a tidal wave.
Nausea roars through him and tilts the world. He makes that urking sound again, and this time it fills the back of his throat with a taste he remembers: the taste of cheap, rough wine. And suddenly it’s New Hampshire again, Arcadia Funworld again. He and Speedy are standing beside the carousel again, all those frozen horses (“All carousel horses is named, don’t you know that, Jack?”), and Speedy is holding out a bottle of wine and telling him it’s magic juice, one little sip and he’ll go over, flip over—
“No!” Jack cries, knowing it’s already too late. “I don’t want to go over!”
The world tilts the other way and he falls into the grass on his hands and knees with his eyes squeezed shut. He doesn’t need to open them; the richer, deeper smells that suddenly fill his nose tell him everything he needs to know. That, and the sense of coming home after so many dark years when almost every waking motion and decision has in some way been dedicated to canceling (or at least postponing) the arrival of this very moment.