“Recently. Weeks ago.”
“Fired for what reason?” I quizzed him.
“Supposedly, you two aren’t getting along.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Or he’s not happy with you or something, and consequently, the governor isn’t, either.”
“Jack, please be more specific.”
He hesitated and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He looked guilty, as if my problems were somehow his fault.
“Okay, to lay it all out, Dr. Scarpetta,” he said, “the word is that you’ve embarrassed Wagner with this chat stuff you’re doing on the Internet:’
I leaned closer to him and put my hand on his arm.
“It’s not me doing it,” I promised him. “It’s someone impersonating me.”
He gave me a puzzled look.
“You’re kidding;’ he said.
“Oh, no. There’s nothing funny about any of this:’
“Jesus Christ,” he said with disgust. “Sometimes I think the Internet’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“Jack, why didn’t you just ask me about it? If you thought I was doing something as inappropriate . . . well, have I somehow managed to estrange everybody in this office so nobody feels he can tell me anything anymore?”
“It’s not that,” he said. “It’s not a reflection of people not caring or feeling estranged. If anything, we care so much I guess we got overprotective.”
“Protecting me from what?” I wanted to know.
“Everyone should be allowed to grieve and even sit it
out on the bench for a while,” he quietly replied. “No one’s expected you to function on all cylinders. I sure as hell wouldn’t be. Christ, I barely made it through my divorce.”
“I’m not sitting it out on the bench, Jack. And I’m functioning on all cylinders. My private, personal grief is just that.”
He looked at me for a long moment, holding my gaze and not buying what I’d just said.
“I wish it were that easy,” he said.
“I never said it was easy. Getting up some mornings is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I can’t let my own problems interfere with what I’m doing here, and I don’t.”
“Frankly, I haven’t known what to do, and I feel really bad about it;” he confessed. “I haven’t known how to handle his death, either. I know how much you loved him. Over and over it’s gone through my mind to take you out to dinner or ask if there’s anything I can fix or do around your house. But I’ve had my own problems, too, as you know. And I guess I didn’t feel there was anything I could offer you except carrying as much of the load here as I can.”
“Have you been covering calls for me? When families have needed to get me on the phone?” I was out with it.
“It’s not been a problem,” he said. “It’s the least I can do.”
“Good God,” I said, bending my head and running my fingers through my hair. “I don’t believe this.”
“I was just doing . . .”
“Jack,” I interrupted him, “I’ve been here every day except when I’m in court. Why would any of my calls be defiected to you? This is something I know nothing about.”
Now it was Fielding’s turn to look confused.
“Don’t you realize how despicable it would be for me to refuse to talk to bewildered, grieving people?” I went on. “For me not to answer their questions or even seem to care?”
“I just thought . . .”
“This is crazy!” I exclaimed, and my stomach was a tight fist. “If I were like that, I wouldn’t deserve to do this
work. If I ever become like that, I should quit! Of all people, how could I not care about another person’s loss? How could I not feel and understand and do everything I could to answer the questions, lessen the pain and fight to send the bastard who did it to the fucking electric chair.”
I was near tears. My voice shook.”Or lethal injection. Shit, I think we should go back to hanging assholes in the public square,” I declared.
Fielding glanced toward the shut door as if he were afraid someone might hear me. I took a deep breath and steadied myself.