made me sadder.”
‘Tm sorry, babe. I love you and I’m really proud
of you. I’m trying really hard to be noble, to put my
needs aside. But as it turns out, I’m just another
selfish, sexist bastard, threatened by your success
and worried that it won’t be the same.”
“Alex, it’ll always be the same. The most precious
tlZmg in my life is us. Didn’t you once tell me
that al] the busy little things we do–career, achieve-ment–are
just trim around the edges? That what’s
important is the intimacy we establish in our lifetime?
I bought it. I really believe that:t’
Her voice broke. I wanted to hold her near.
“What’s this about square watermelons?’ I said.
178 Jonatha/Ol
We laughed together and the next five minutes
were long-distance heaven.
She’d been traveling around the country but was
now settled in Tokyo and would be there until
returning to the States. I took down the address of
her hotel and her room number. Her travel plan
included an overnight stopover in Hawaii before
the final flight back to L.A.. The idea of my flying
to meet her in Honolulu and our spending a week
together on Kauai came up as a lark but ended up
as a serious possibility. She promised to call when
her departure date had been determined.
“Do you know what’s been keeping me going?”
she giggled. “RememberLr$ that wedding we went
to last summer in Santa Barbara.”
“The Biltmore, room three Ftfty-one?”
‘Tm getting wet right now just thinking about
it.”
“Stop or I’ll be limping all day.”
“That’s good. You’ll appreciate me.”
“Believe me, I already do.”
We prolonged the good-byes and then she was
gone.
I hadn’t told her about my involvement with the
Swopes. We’d always had an open relationship and
I couldn’t help feeling that holding back had been
an unfaithful act of sorts. Stiff, I rationalized, it
had been the right thing to do, because hearing
about such horror from so great a distance would
only have burdened her with intractable anxiety.
In an attempt to quell my guilt I spent a long
time on the phone with a histrionic florist, arranging
for a dozen coral roses to be sent halfway around
the world.
14
THE PERSON on the phone was female, agitated, and
vaguely familiar.
“Dr. Delaware, I need your help!”
I tried to place her. A patient ‘from years back
reaching out in the throes of crisis? If so, not being
remembered would only compound her anxiety. I’d
fake it until I figured out who ‘it was.
“What can I do for you ?” I said soothingly.
“It’s RaouL He’s gotten himself into terrible
trouble.”
Bingo. Helen Holroyd. Her voice sounded different
when heated by emotion.
“What kind of trouble, Helen ?”
“He’s in prison, down in La Vista!”
“I just spoke to him–they allowed him one call.
He sounds terrible! Heaven knows what they’re
doing to him! A genius locked up like a common
criminal! Oh GOd!, please help!”
She was falling apart, which didn’t surprise me.
179
180 Jmthm lllrrmm
Icy people often freeze themselves in order to hold
in check a volcanic stew of disturbing and conflic-tual
feelings. Emotional hibernation, if you will
Crack the ice and the stuff inside comes pouring
out with all the discipline of molten lava.
She was sobbing and began tohyperventilate.
“Calm down,” I said. “We’ll clear it up. But first
tell me how it happened.”
It took a couple of minutes for her to regain
control.
“The police came to the lab late yesterday afternoon.
They told him about those people being killed.
I was there, working on the other side of the room.
Hearing about it didn’t seem to affect him. He was
at the computer, typing in data, and he didn’t stop
the entire time they were there. Just kept on working.
I knew something was wrong. It’s not like him
to be that impassive. He had to be really upset.
When they were gone I tried to talk to him but he
shut me out. Then he left, just walked out of the
building without telling anyone where he was going.”
“And drove to La Vista.”
“Yes! He must have thought about it all night