“Why was she having the surgery?” asked Denise, picking at her chef’s salad.
“Seizure disorder. But the interesting thing was that she might have had multiple sclerosis. After you left this afternoon, it occurred to me that the density changes we saw on her X ray might represent some sort of widespread neurological disease. I checked her chart. Multiple sclerosis was being considered.”
“Have you pulled any films of patients with known multiple sclerosis?” asked Denise.
“That starts tonight,” said Philips. “In order to check Michaels’ program I’ve got to run as many skull films as possible. It will be very interesting if I can find any other cases with the same radiologic picture.”
“It sounds as if your research project has really taken off.”
“I hope so.” Martin took one bite of his asparagus and decided against taking any more. “I’m trying not to let myself get too excited this early, but, my God, it looks good. That’s why I got so excited about this Marino case. It promised
something immediately tangible. Actually there’s still a chance. She’s being autopsied tonight, so I’ll try to correlate the radiological picture with the Path findings. If it is multiple sclerosis, we’re back in the ball game. But I tell you, I’ve got to find something to get me away from this clinical rat race, even if it’s only a couple of days a week.”
Denise put down her fork and looked into Martin’s reitless blue eyes. “Get away from clinical? You can’t do that. You’re one of the best neuroradiologists there is. Think of all the patients that benefit from your skills. If you leave clinical radiology, that will be a real tragedy.”
Martin put down his fork, and grasped her left hand. For the first time he didn’t care who in the hospital might be watching. “Denise,” he said softly. “At the present time in my life there are only two things I really care about: you and my research. And if there were some way I could make a living out of being with you, I might even forget the research.”
Denise looked at Martin uncertain whether to be flattered or wary. She’d become more and more confident of his affection but she had no idea that he had even the potential for commitment. From the beginning she’d been awed by his reputation and seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of radiology. He had been both a lover and professional idol and she hadn’t allowed herself the thought that maybe their relationship had a future. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it.
“Listen,” Martin continued. “This is neither the time nor the place for this kind of conversation.” He pushed his asparagus out of the way as if to make a point. “But it’s important that you know where I’m coming from. You’re at an early stage in your clinical training, which is very fulfilling. You spend all your time learning and dealing with patients. Unfortunately I spend the smallest part of my time doing that. The major part is spent trying to handle administrative headaches and bureaucratic bullshit. I’ve had it up to here.”
Denise raised her left hand, which was still firmly grasped in his, and lightly brushed his knuckles with her lips. She did it quickly, then looked at him from under her dark eyebrows. She was being purposefully coquettish, knowing that it would defuse his sudden anger. It worked as it usually did and Martin laughed. He squeezed her hand before letting go, then glanced around to see if anyone had seen.
His beeper shocked them both as it went off. He got up immediately and strode over to the hospital phones. Denise watched him. She had been attracted to him since they met, but she found herself increasingly drawn by his humor and surprising sensitivity, and now his new admission of dissatisfaction and vulnerability seemed to heighten her feelings.
But was it true vulnerability? Was Philips’ excuse about administrative burdens only a rationalization to explain a dissatisfaction with having to grow older, and having to admit that, professionally speaking, his life had become predictable? Denise didn’t know. As long as she had known Martin, he’d always approached his work with such compulsion that she’d never considered the possibility of dissatisfaction, but she was moved that he would share his feelings with her. It must mean he believed their relationship was more important than she thought he had.