Captain Stormfield’s Visit To Heaven by Mark Twain

ain’t any fonder of kissing the emotional highlights of Brooklyn

than you be. You mark my words, Mr. T.’s endearments are going to

be declined, with thanks. There are limits to the privileges of

the elect, even in heaven. Why, if Adam was to show himself to

every new comer that wants to call and gaze at him and strike him

for his autograph, he would never have time to do anything else but

just that. Talmage has said he is going to give Adam some of his

attentions, as well as A., I. and J. But he will have to change

his mind about that.”

“Do you think Talmage will really come here?”

“Why, certainly, he will; but don’t you be alarmed; he will run

with his own kind, and there’s plenty of them. That is the main

charm of heaven – there’s all kinds here – which wouldn’t be the

case if you let the preachers tell it. Anybody can find the sort

he prefers, here, and he just lets the others alone, and they let

him alone. When the Deity builds a heaven, it is built right, and

on a liberal plan.”

Sandy sent home for his things, and I sent for mine, and about nine

in the evening we begun to dress. Sandy says, –

“This is going to be a grand time for you, Stormy. Like as not

some of the patriarchs will turn out.”

“No, but will they?”

“Like as not. Of course they are pretty exclusive. They hardly

ever show themselves to the common public. I believe they never

turn out except for an eleventh-hour convert. They wouldn’t do it

then, only earthly tradition makes a grand show pretty necessary on

that kind of an occasion.”

“Do they an turn out, Sandy?”

“Who? – all the patriarchs? Oh, no – hardly ever more than a

couple. You will be here fifty thousand years – maybe more –

before you get a glimpse of all the patriarchs and prophets. Since

I have been here, Job has been to the front once, and once Ham and

Jeremiah both at the same time. But the finest thing that has

happened in my day was a year or so ago; that was Charles Peace’s

reception – him they called ‘the Bannercross Murderer’ – an

Englishman. There were four patriarchs and two prophets on the

Grand Stand that time – there hasn’t been anything like it since

Captain Kidd came; Abel was there – the first time in twelve

hundred years. A report got around that Adam was coming; well, of

course, Abel was enough to bring a crowd, all by himself, but there

is nobody that can draw like Adam. It was a false report, but it

got around, anyway, as I say, and it will be a long day before I

see the like of it again. The reception was in the English

department, of course, which is eight hundred and eleven million

miles from the New Jersey line. I went, along with a good many of

my neighbors, and it was a sight to see, I can tell you. Flocks

came from all the departments. I saw Esquimaux there, and Tartars,

Negroes, Chinamen – people from everywhere. You see a mixture like

that in the Grand Choir, the first day you land here, but you

hardly ever see it again. There were billions of people; when they

were singing or hosannahing, the noise was wonderful; and even when

their tongues were still the drumming of the wings was nearly

enough to burst your head, for all the sky was as thick as if it

was snowing angels. Although Adam was not there, it was a great

time anyway, because we had three archangels on the Grand Stand –

it is a seldom thing that even one comes out.”

“What did they look like, Sandy?”

“Well, they had shining faces, and shining robes, and wonderful

rainbow wings, and they stood eighteen feet high, and wore swords,

and held their heads up in a noble way, and looked like soldiers.”

“Did they have halos?”

“No – anyway, not the hoop kind. The archangels and the upper-

class patriarchs wear a finer thing than that. It is a round,

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