Captain Stormfield’s Visit To Heaven by Mark Twain

“Oh, a LOT of people WE never heard of before – the shoemaker and

horse-doctor and knife-grinder kind, you know – clodhoppers from

goodness knows where that never handled a sword or fired a shot in

their lives – but the soldiership was in them, though they never

had a chance to show it. But here they take their right place, and

Caesar and Napoleon and Alexander have to take a back seat. The

greatest military genius our world ever produced was a brick-layer

from somewhere back of Boston – died during the Revolution – by the

name of Absalom Jones. Wherever he goes, crowds flock to see him.

You see, everybody knows that if he had had a chance he would have

shown the world some generalship that would have made all

generalship before look like child’s play and ‘prentice work. But

he never got a chance; he tried heaps of times to enlist as a

private, but he had lost both thumbs and a couple of front teeth,

and the recruiting sergeant wouldn’t pass him. However, as I say,

everybody knows, now, what he WOULD have been, – and so they flock

by the million to get a glimpse of him whenever they hear he is

going to be anywhere. Caesar, and Hannibal, and Alexander, and

Napoleon are all on his staff, and ever so many more great

generals; but the public hardly care to look at THEM when HE is

around. Boom! There goes another salute. The barkeeper’s off

quarantine now.”

Sandy and I put on our things. Then we made a wish, and in a

second we were at the reception-place. We stood on the edge of the

ocean of space, and looked out over the dimness, but couldn’t make

out anything. Close by us was the Grand Stand – tier on tier of

dim thrones rising up toward the zenith. From each side of it

spread away the tiers of seats for the general public. They spread

away for leagues and leagues – you couldn’t see the ends. They

were empty and still, and hadn’t a cheerful look, but looked

dreary, like a theatre before anybody comes – gas turned down.

Sandy says, –

“We’ll sit down here and wait. We’ll see the head of the

procession come in sight away off yonder pretty soon, now.”

Says I, –

“It’s pretty lonesome, Sandy; I reckon there’s a hitch somewheres.

Nobody but just you and me – it ain’t much of a display for the

barkeeper.”

“Don’t you fret, it’s all right. There’ll be one more gun-fire –

then you’ll see.

In a little while we noticed a sort of a lightish flush, away off

on the horizon.

“Head of the torchlight procession,” says Sandy.

It spread, and got lighter and brighter: soon it had a strong

glare like a locomotive headlight; it kept on getting brighter and

brighter till it was like the sun peeping above the horizon-line at

sea – the big red rays shot high up into the sky.

“Keep your eyes on the Grand Stand and the miles of seats – sharp!”

says Sandy, “and listen for the gun-fire.”

Just then it burst out, “Boom-boom-boom!” like a million

thunderstorms in one, and made the whole heavens rock. Then there

was a sudden and awful glare of light all about us, and in that

very instant every one of the millions of seats was occupied, and

as far as you could see, in both directions, was just a solid pack

of people, and the place was all splendidly lit up! It was enough

to take a body’s breath away. Sandy says, –

“That is the way we do it here. No time fooled away; nobody

straggling in after the curtain’s up. Wishing is quicker work than

travelling. A quarter of a second ago these folks were millions of

miles from here. When they heard the last signal, all they had to

do was to wish, and here they are.”

The prodigious choir struck up, –

We long to hear thy voice,

To see thee face to face.

It was noble music, but the uneducated chipped in and spoilt it,

just as the congregations used to do on earth.

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