Emma leans closer to Janet. “You’re both hurting, you and Gertie. You’ve both lost someone dear.”
“You don’t understand. Jack?” Janet turns to me, her cheeks shining with tears. “Jack, I did a really bad thing.”
Now I’m puzzled, too. Jimmy’s sister gets up off the grass, discreetly tugging the wedgie crease out of her bikini bottoms.
“I saw this thing about reincarnation, it was on the Psychic Network,” she’s saying, “about how some people think it doesn’t work so good without the actual body in a grave. And the more I thought about it, I wanted Jimmy to have a chance, you know? At least a chance to come back as a dolphin or a flying fish. Whatever he’s supposed to be.”
“Janet, what are you saying?” I feel Emma’s fingers tighten on my elbow.
“See, Cleo knew. She knew Jimmy wanted to be cremated.”
“Convenient for her, as it turned out.”
“Jack, I love my brother and I respect his wishes, but I wasn’t ready. Cleo was pushing so hard to get the cremation over and done, I just knew somethin’ wasn’t right. Plus I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.’ Janet’s hands are fluttering, like she’s tossing a Caesar salad. “And Cleo, she didn’t give a damn how I felt. She wouldn’t even return my phone calls.”
Mildly Emma says, “So what did you do?”
“Something real bad.” Janet takes a deep breath, shuddering as she exhales. Sadly she glances over her shoulder at the headstone of Eugene Marvin Brandt.
“I switched the burn tags,” she says.
“You did what?”
“That day at the funeral home, when you almost fainted and we went outside for some air? Well, afterwards I went back to put the Doors album in Jimmy’s coffin—that’s when I switched the burn tags. After Gene’s service was over they moved him to the back room, right next to Jimmy. I had it all planned out. Isn’t that terrible?”
It is terrible. I want to hug her, it’s so terrible. I want to go waltzing through the tombstones, Emma on one arm and Janet on the other.
“Jack, what’s a burn tag?” Emma asks.
“It’s what the funeral home attaches to coffins that are going into the crematorium.”
“Ugh-oh.”
Janet says, “I’m in deep shit, huh?”
Collectively we turn to stare at the name on the gravestone. We are shoulder to shoulder under the high August sun, and our shadows look like three pigeons on a wire. The back of my shirt is damp, and the lenses of Janet’s sunglasses have fogged from the heat. Only Emma looks cool. I am holding her hand; no, squeezing her hand.
“Now, let’s be clear on this.” It’s a struggle to keep the glee out of my voice. “Eugene Marvin Brandt, God rest his soul, isn’t really buried in this plot.”
“Nope,” Janet Thrush admits dolefully.
“So this would be your brother”—I motion with what I hope is somber reserve—”lying here beneath us. James Bradley Stomarti.”
“Yup,” says Janet. “It’s been over two weeks, I figure that’s enough time.”
“For?”
“Him to get reincarnated, safe and sound.”
Emma says, “But is it enough time for you? Are you ready to let go?”
Jimmy’s sister nods. “Yeah. I am. After what you guys told me about Cleo, I’m more than ready.” She blows a peach-sized bubble and pops it with a glittery fingernail. “I feel so bad. Poor Gertie’s gonna have a cow.”
Emma is holding up like granite—must be that nursing-school training. “What would you like us to do?” she asks Jimmy’s sister.
“Help me nail that pube-flashing tramp for murder. Then put it in your newspaper.” Janet mutes an angry sniffle. “Jack, you told me before but I forget—who is it I’m supposed to call?”
“For an autopsy?”
“What else.” She manages a laugh. “My brother’s famous for his encores.”
Epilogue
Jimmy Stoma’s anaconda tattoo got ruined by my friend Pete, the pathologist. This was almost a year ago, after the grave of Eugene Marvin Brandt was opened up with a judge’s order and a two-ton back-hoe. In the hole was Jimmy’s coffin, just as his sister had promised.
Over the frothing objections of Cleo Rio’s attorneys, an official autopsy was ordered. The elaborate Y-shaped incision did a job on Jimmy’s snake-humping temptress. “A thing of beauty,” Pete later told me, ruefully. “I felt like I was taking a machete to a Monet.” Dutifully he went spelunking through Jimmy’s body cavities, gathering sashimi-style tidbits for the lab. The liver is where he struck the mother lode: Benadryl, a common over-the-counter cold and allergy remedy. Two capsules put the average adult into a deep sleep. Cleo wasn’t taking any chances. She emptied no less than twenty caps into Jimmy’s grouper chowder, enough to zonk a buffalo. Then she called him up to the deck for lunch. Afterwards he strapped on his dive tank and jumped off the boat. Pete said he probably passed out within twenty minutes, a cataleptic slumber that left him drifting in the currents across the sandy bottom.