Carl Hiaasen – Basket Case

Carla says, “I can’t fucking believe she sang at the funeral.”

“To plug her new CD.”

“Skank. What’s your story gonna say?”

A damn good question. “Well, I hope it’ll say that Jimmy’s sister wants a full investigation of the circumstances of his death. I hope it’s going to say there are inconsistencies among the witnesses.”

“Who are… ?” Carla asks through her frogskin cast.

“Cleo, of course, and Jay Burns,” I say, “one of the old Slut Puppies. He buddied up with Jimmy for the dive.”

“What if he backs up Cleo’s story?”

“Then I drink myself silly and crawl back to the cave of dead rabbis.”

Carla points to her face. “Can’t talk. It’s hardening.”

The phone rings. She signals for me to pickup.

“Candilla residence,” I answer in a British butler accent.

“Who is this?”

“Oh hi, Anne.” Voice skips. Heart flops. Tongue turns to chalk.

“Jack?”

“Carla’s in her mud mask. She can’t move her mouth.”

On the other end I hear a familiar sigh. Then: “What are you doing over there?”

Twitching like a junkie, I’m tempted to say.

“We’re gossiping about fashion, music and models. Carla says I’m ‘out of it,’ which is surely an understatement. Now I’ve got a question for you: Why bother your hardworking offspring so late at night?”

A soft laugh. “I just got in, Jack.”

“Oh.”

“From out of town,” she says.

How clever of me to ask. Smoothly I drop the subject.

“Well. You doing okay?”

“I’m good,” Anne says. “How about yourself?”

“Better,” I lie. “I’m surviving age forty-six just fine. No more obsessing. And this was a heavy year for bad karma—JFK and Elvis.”

“And don’t forget Oscar Wilde,” Anne tosses in.

“Wilde? I thought he was forty-five.”

“No, forty-six,” she says. “I wouldn’t have known except I just saw one of his plays in London. They had a biography in the Playbill. How’re things at work?”

I find myself rattled by the Oscar Wilde bulletin, and also by the idea of Anne traveling to England without me.

Meaning with somebody else.

“Jack?”

“Everything’s great at the paper,” I say. “Big story in the oven—actually that’s why I dropped by to see Carla. She knows the cast of characters.”

“As long as she’s not one of them,” Anne says. “I’m glad you’re doing well, Jack.”

I hear myself blurting: “I’ll be doing even better if you have lunch with me tomorrow.”

“Can’t, Jack. I’m afraid I’m busy.” This is followed by a pause, during which I foolishly convince myself that Anne is reconsidering the invitation. But then she says: “Tell Carla I’ll give her a shout in the morning.”

“Will do.”

“Bye,” says Anne.

I set the receiver down very gingerly, as if it’s made of Baccarat crystal.

“Wanna drink?” The lovely dark eyes staring out of Carla’s mud face are brimming with sympathy. Worse, they are Anne’s eyes.

“I’ve got beer,” Carla says through fixed lips.

I tell her no thanks. Standing up, I say, “Well. Your mother sounds terrific.”

“Surry,” Carla mutters, endeavoring not to crack the facial plaster. Either a smile or a frown would do the job. She snatches a notepad from the dining table and scribbles these words: Least she knows how you feel.

“And that’s good?” I ask.

Carla nods consolingly. Those eyes are killing me. I give her a quick hug and head for the door.

Next morning, Emma calls and commands me to appear in the newsroom.

“But I’m ill! Stricken! Indisposed!”

“You are not. Buckminster spotted you at the funeral.”

“Fuckweasel,” I remark.

“Pardon me?”

I stage a coughing fit worthy of a pleurisy ward, and hang up.

Forty minutes later comes a stern knock—Emma! This is unpardonable, accosting me at home. I greet her in my sleepwear, a rank Jacksonville Jaguars jersey and a pair of baggy plaid boxers. She is not as horrified as I had hoped.

“You the truant officer?”

“Enough, Jack.” Emma charges past me and plants herself on the least stained and faded of the twin armchairs. She is wearing a sharp-looking Oxford blouse, black slacks and a pair of sensible low heels. Her toenails are concealed, but I’ll bet the farm she has repainted them since Monday afternoon; a muted ochre, I’m imagining, something serious to match her mood. Never have I seen her so torqued up.

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