Kingsbury said, “Probably it’s some bastard from Disney. A ringer, hell, I should’ve known. Somebody they sent just to screw me up for the summer.”
“It’s nobody on the inside,” said Chelsea. “It wasn’t done on one of our typewriters.”
“Who then? I mean, why in the name of fuck?” Jake Harp marveled at the inventive construction of Kingsbury’s profanity. He imagined how fine it would feel to take a two-iron and pulverize the man’s skull into melon rind. Instead he said, “You’re up, Frank.”
Charles Chelsea stood back while Kingsbury took a practice swing. It was not a thing of beauty. From the safety of the cart path, Chelsea said, “I think it’s Joe Winder. The fellow we fired last week. The one we’ve had some trouble with.”
“What makes you so sure—wait, Christ, didn’t he used to work for The Rat?”
“Yes, briefly. Anyway, there’s some stationery missing from Publicity. I thought you ought to know.” “How much?”
“Two full boxes,” Chelsea replied. Enough to do one fake press release every day for about three years. Or one hundred a day until the Summerfest Jubilee.
Kingsbury knocked his drive down the left side of the fairway and grunted in approval. He plopped his butt in the golf cart and said to Chelsea: “Let me see it one more time.”
Chelsea gave him the paper and climbed on the back of the cart, wedging himself between the two golf bags. He wondered if this was how the Secret Service rode when the President was playing.
Pointing over Kingsbury’s shoulder, Chelsea said, “It’s definitely Winder’s style. I recognize some of the dry touches.”
The press release said:
Medical authorities at the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills announced today that the outbreak of viral hepatitis that struck the popular theme park this week is “practically under control.”
Visitors to the Amazing Kingdom are no longer in immediate danger of infection, according to specialists who flew in from the National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. So far, five cases of hepatitis have been positively diagnosed. All the victims were actors who portray Uncle Ely’s Elves, a troupe of mischievous trolls who frolic and dance in daily performances throughout the park.
Experts say there is no reason to suspect that the highly contagious disease is being transmitted in the food and beverages being served at the Amazing Kingdom. A more likely source is the vending machine located in a dressing room often used by Uncle Ely’s Elves and several other performers.
Charles Chelsea, vice president in charge of publicity, said: “We know that the candy machine down there hadn’t been serviced for about seven months. There are serious questions regarding the freshness and edibility of some of the chocolate products, as well as the breath mints. All items have been removed from the machine and are presently being tested for contamination.”
Although no cases of hepatitis have been reported among visitors to the Amazing Kingdom, Monroe County health officials advise testing for anyone who has had recent contact with any of Uncle Ely’s Elves—or food products handled by the elves. This advisory applies to all persons who might have posed for photographs or danced with one of the little people during the Nightly Pageant of Tropics.
Moe Strickland, the veteran character actor who popularized the role of Uncle Ely, said the stricken performers are resting quietly at Baptist Hospital in Miami, and are expected to recover. He added, “I’m worried about what the kids will think when they don’t see us around the park for a few weeks. I guess we’ll have to tell them that Uncle Ely took the elves on a summer vacation to Ireland, or wherever it is that elves go.”
Chelsea said there are no plans to close the Amazing Kingdom to the public. “This was a freakish incident, and we are confident that the worst is over,” he said. “From now on, we get back to the business of having fun.”
Beginning tonight, the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills will present a multi-media tribute to Vance and Violet, the last surviving blue-tongued mango voles. The gentle animals were stolen from the park ten days ago in a daring daylight robbery, and later died tragically.