Carl Hiaasen – Native Tongue

“The one who was on duty this afternoon,” Winder said. “The one who fought with the rat robbers.”

The big elf pointed with the smoldering end of the joint. “Okay, there’s a locker room on the west side. Just follow the orange signs.” He took another drag. I’d offer you a hit, but I got this nasty chest virus. Hate to pass it along.”

“Sure,” said Joe Winder. “No problem.”

The lockers were at the end of a damp concrete tunnel that smelled of stale laundry and ammonia. Robbie Raccoon was straddling the bench, trying to unzip his head. Winder introduced himself, and explained that he was from the Publicity Department.

“I’m writing a press release about what happened earlier today,” he said. “A few quick questions is all.”

“Fire away,” said Robbie Raccoon. The words came out muffled, from a small opening in the neck of the costume.

Winder said, “I can barely hear you.”

With a grunt Robbie Raccoon removed his head, which was as large as a beach ball. Joe Winder was startled by what he saw beneath it: long shimmering blond hair, green eyes and mascara. Robbie Raccoon was a woman.

She said, “If you’re going to make a joke, get it over with.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Don’t think this is my life ambition or anything.”

“Of course not,” said Joe Winder.

The woman said her name was Carrie Lanier. “And I got my SAG card,” she said, still somewhat defensive. “That’s the only reason I took this stupid job. I’m going to be an actress.”

Mindlessly Winder said, “You’ve got to start somewhere.”

“Darn right.”

He waited for Carrie Lanier to remove the rest of the raccoon outfit, but she didn’t. He took out his notebook and asked her to describe what had happened at the Rare Animal Pavilion.

Carrie shrugged in an exaggerated way, as if she were still in character. “It was two men, we’re talking white trash. One of them has a sledgehammer, and they’re both walking real fast. I start to follow, don’t ask me why—I just had a hunch. All of a sudden the one with the hammer smashes out the glass in one of the exhibits.”

“And you tried to stop him?”

“Yeah, I jumped the guy. Climbed on his back. He turned around and clobbered me pretty solid. Thank God for this.” Carrie knocked on the crown of the raccoon head, which was propped face-up on the bench. Her fist made a sharp hollow sound. “Chicken wire, plaster and Kevlar,” she explained. “They say it’s bulletproof.”

Joe Winder wrote this down, even though Charles Chelsea would never let him use it in the press release. At the Amazing Kingdom, each publicity announcement was carefully purged of all intriguing details. Winder was having a tough time kicking the habit of taking good notes.

Carrie Lanier said, “He knocked me down pretty hard, but that’s about it. There was a tour group from Taiwan, Korea, someplace like that. They helped me off the ground, but by then the two dirtbags were long gone. I could’ve done without the ambulance ride, but Risk Management said I had to.”

“Can I say you suffered a slight head injury?” Joe Winder asked, pen poised.

“No,” said Carrie Lanier. “As soon as the X-rays came out negative, they hauled me back to work. I’m fine.”

That wouldn’t go over well with Charles Chelsea; the vole story was infinitely more dramatic if a park employee had been wounded in the rescue attempt.

“Not even a headache?” Winder persisted.

“Yeah, I’ve got a headache,” Carrie said. “I’ve always got a headache. Take a whiff of this place.” She stood up and yanked on the fluffy striped raccoon tail, which was attached to the rump of the costume by a Velcro patch. The tail made a ripping sound when Carrie took it off. She tossed it in her locker and said, “Why would anyone steal rats?”

“Voles,” said Joe Winder.

“The guys who did it, boy, what a pair. Scum of the earth.”

Again Winder didn’t bother to write this down.

“It’s crazy,” said Carrie Lanier. She reached beneath her left armpit and found, deep in the fur, another zipper. Carefully she unzipped the costume lengthwise down to her ankle. She did the same on the other side. As she stepped out of the animal outfit, Winder saw that she was wearing only a bra and panties. He tried not to stare.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168

Leave a Reply 0

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *