Carl Hiaasen – Native Tongue

The Zuboni brothers and a cluster of dull-eyed knee-cappers were swiftly convicted by a horrified jury. The reward for Frankie King’s cooperation was a suspended sentence, ten years’ probation and a new identity of his choosing: Francis X. Kingsbury. Frankie felt the “X” was a classy touch; he decided it should stand for Xavier.

When the man from the Witness Relocation Program told him that Miami would be his new home, Frankie King thought he had died and gone to heaven. Miami! Frankie couldn’t believe his good fortune; he had no idea the U.S. government could be so generous. What Frankie did not know was that Miami was the prime relocation site for scores of scuzzy federal snitches (on the theory that South Florida was a place where just about any dirtbag would blend in smoothly with the existing riffraff). Frankie King continued to entertain the false notion that he was somebody special in the witness program, a regular Joe Valachi, until he saw the accommodations provided by his government benefactors: a one-bedroom apartment near the railroad tracks in beautiful downtown Naranja.

When Frankie complained about the place, FBI agents reminded him that the alternative was to return to New York and take his chances that John Gotti was a compassionate and forgiving fellow. With this on his mind, Francis X. Kingsbury began a new life.

Like all Floridians with time on their hands, he went to night school and got his real-estate license. It was an entirely new racket, and Frankie worked at it tirelessly; first he specialized in small commercial properties, then citrus groves and farmlands. Doggedly he worked his way east toward the good stuff—oceanfront, the Big O. He went from condos to prime residential estates in no time flat.

Francis X. Kingsbury had found a new niche. He was, undeniably, a whiz at selling Florida real estate. In five short years he had accumulated more money than in an entire lifetime of mob bunko, jukebox skimming and mail fraud. He had a home down on Old Cutler, a beautiful young wife and a closetful of mustard blazers. But he wanted more.

One day he walked into the boardroom of Kingsbury Realty and announced that he was selling the business. “I’m ready to move up in the world,” he told his startled partners. “I’m ready to become a developer.”

Six months later, Kingsbury stood before a luncheon meeting of the Greater Miami Chamber of Commerce and unveiled his model of the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills. It was the first time in his life that Frankie had gotten a standing ovation. He blushed and said: “Florida is truly the land of opportunity.”

His probation officer, standing near the salad bar, had to bite back tears.

“This is a very bad idea, Charlie.” Joe Winder was talking about the phony million-dollar reward. “A very bad idea. And cynical, I might add.”

Over the phone, Chelsea said: “Don’t give me any lectures. I need five hundred words by tomorrow morning.”

“This is nuts.”

“And don’t overdo it.”

“This is not just dumb,” continued Joe Winder, “it’s dishonest. The blue-tongued mango voles are dead, Charlie. Everybody at the park is talking about it.”

Chelsea said, “Mr. X is adamant. He considers the money a symbolic gesture of his commitment to preserving the environment.”

“Did you write that yourself?” Winder asked. “That’s fucking awful, Charlie. Symbolic gesture! You ought to be shot.”

“Joey, don’t talk to me that way. This thing was your idea, offering a reward.”

“I was wrong,” Winder said. “It was a big mistake.”

“No, it was genius. The AP had it all over the wires.”

“Look, I’m trying to save your ass,” Winder said. “And mine, too. Listen to me. This morning, a man with a cardboard box showed up at the front gate of the Amazing Kingdom. Said he’d found the missing voles. Said he’d come to collect his ten-thousand-dollar reward. Listen to me, Charlie. Know what was in the box? Rabbits. Two baby rabbits.”

“So what? They don’t look anything like a vole.”

“They do when you cut their ears off, Charlie. That’s what the sonofabitch had done. Cut the ears off a couple of little tiny bunny rabbits.”

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