Carl Hiaasen – Native Tongue

“All right, go for ten,” said Charles Chelsea. “But don’t overplay it. Otherwise every geek in Miami is going to show up at the gate with shoe boxes full of God knows what.”

The thought of it made Joe Winder smile for the first time all day.

One of the few things Winder liked about his new job was the golf cart he got to drive around the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills. It was a souped-up Cushman with an extra set of twelve-volts, and headlights scavenged off a real Jeep. It was the closest thing to a company car that Joe Winder had ever had, and sometimes (especially on that long downhill stretch between Magic Mansion and the Wet Willy) he could stomp on the tiny accelerator and forget what exactly he did for a living. At night Joe Winder tried to drive more carefully, because it was harder to watch out for the tourists. The tourists at the Amazing Kingdom seldom paid attention to where they were going; they wandered and weaved, peered and pointed. And who could blame them? There were so many colorful and entertaining distractions. Before Charles Chelsea had given Joe Winder the keys to the Cushman, he had warned him to be wary when driving near the tourists. “Whatever you do, don’t hit one,” Chelsea had said. “If you’re going to crash, aim for a building,” he had advised, “or even a park employee. Anything but a paying customer.”

So Joe Winder drove with extra caution in the golf cart at night. He arrived at the Rare Animal Pavilion shortly after eight, and parked in the back. Dr. Will Koocher, the vole man, was waiting inside with handouts and glossy photographs. Winder sat on a lab stool and skimmed the material.

Koocher said, “We kept the information fairly general. They tell me the pictures usually go over big.”

As Winder studied the photographs, he said, “Cute little buggers.”

“They’re just rodents,” the doctor noted, without malice.

“You don’t understand,” Winder said, “Cuteness is vital for a story like this.” He explained how newspapers and television stations got much more excited about animal stories when the animal came across as cuddly and lovable. “I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but that’s the way it is.”

Will Koocher nodded. “Like with the manatees—everybody wants to save the manatees, but nobody gives a hoot about the poor crocodiles.”

“Because they’re not particularly cute,” Winder said. “Who wants to hug a reptile?”

“I see your point.” Will Koocher was a gaunt young man with the longest neck that Joe Winder had ever seen. He seemed painfully earnest and shy, and Winder liked him immediately.

“I’ll tell you what I can,” Koocher said, “but I’ve only been here a month.”

Like everything else at the Amazing Kingdom, the Vole Project had begun as a scheme to compete with Walt Disney World. Years earlier, Disney had tried to save the dusky seaside sparrow, a small marsh bird whose habitat was being wiped out by overdevelopment along Florida’s coastline. With much fanfare, Disney had unveiled a captive-breeding program for the last two surviving specimens of the dusky. Unfortunately, the last two surviving specimens were both males, and even the wizards of Disney could not induce the scientific miracle of homosexual procreation. Eventually the sparrow fell to extinction, but the Disney organization won gobs of fawning publicity for its conservation efforts.

Not to be outdone (although he invariably was), Francis X. Kingsbury had selected another endangered species and commanded that his staff save it, ASAP. And so the Vole Project was born.

Koocher had gotten the phone call while finishing his thesis at Cornell. “I’d published two field studies on the genus Microtus, so I suppose that’s where they got my name. Anyway, this guy Chelsea calls and asks if I’d heard of Microtus mango, and I said no, all my work was on the northern species. He sent me a scientific paper that had been published, and offered me a job. Forty grand a year.”

“That’s good money right out of school.”

“Tell me about it. I burned up the interstate getting down here.”

“And that’s when you met Violet and Vance.”

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