Carl Hiaasen – Sick Puppy

“This is the largest domestic passenger vehicle ever manufactured in the United States,” Twilly announced, loading McGuinn into the cavernous rear compartment. “Now you can fart all you want.”

And off they went again.

Desie almost asked where Twilly had gotten the money, but it didn’t matter. He could’ve robbed a church and still she wouldn’t have wanted to go home. She understood him no better than she understood herself, but she felt unaccountably comfortable at his side. Sometimes she caught him glancing sideways at her—it was a look no other man had ever given her, a combination of naked desire, penetrating curiosity and also sadness. Finally she said: “What in the world is going through your head?”

“How beautiful you are.”

“Please.”

“OK. How much I want to sleep with you?”

“No, Twilly. There’s more.”

“You’re right. I keep forgetting how complicated I am.” He took a slow breath and interlocked both hands at the top of the steering wheel. “What I’m thinking,” he said, “is how much I want to need you.”

“That’s a better answer,” Desie said. “Not as flattering as the others, but a little more original.”

“What if it’s the truth?”

“And what if I feel the same way?”

Twilly let out a soft whistle.

“Exactly,” she said.

“So we’re both off the rails.”

“A case could be made, yes.”

He was silent for several miles. Then he said: “Just for the record, I do want to sleep with you.”

“Oh, I know.” Desie tried not to look pleased.

“What are your views on that?”

“We’ll discuss it later,” she said, “when you-know-who is asleep.” She cut her eyes toward the rear of the station wagon.

“The dog?” Twilly said.

“My husband’s dog. I’d feel weird doing it in front of him—cheating on his master.”

“He licks his butt in front of us.”

“This isn’t about modesty, it’s about guilt. And let’s talk about something else,” Desie said, “such as: Where the heck are we going?”

“I don’t know. I’m just following this car.”

“Why?” Desie said. It was a cobalt four-door Lexus with a Michigan license plate. “May I ask why?”

“Because I can’t help myself,” said Twilly. “About twenty miles back she tossed a cigarette, a lit cigarette. With piney woods on both sides of the road!”

“So she’s an idiot. So what?”

“Luckily it landed in a puddle. Otherwise there could’ve been a fire.”

Swell, Desie thought, I’m riding with Smokey the Bear.

“All right, Twilly, she threw a cigarette,” Desie said, “and the point of following her is… ”

Inside the blue Lexus was only one person, the driver, a woman with an alarming electric mane of curly hair. She appeared to be yakking on a cellular phone.

Desie said: “You do this often—stalk total strangers?”

“The woods look dry.”

“Twilly, there’s lots of dumb people in this world and you can’t be mad at all of ’em.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Please don’t tailgate.”

Twilly pointed. “Did you see that?”

Desie had seen it: the woman in the Lexus, tossing another smoldering butt. Twilly’s fists were clamped on the steering wheel, and the cords of his neck stood out like cables, yet no trace of anger was visible in his face. What frightened Desie was the gelid calm in his eyes.

She heard him say, “I bet that car’s got a huge gas tank.”

“Twilly, you can’t possibly go through life like this.”

She was digging her fingernails into the armrest. They were inches from the bumper of the Lexus. If the idiot woman touched the brakes, they’d all be dead.

Desie said, “You think you can fix these people? You think you can actually teach ’em something?”

“Call me an optimist.”

“Look at her, for God’s sake. She’s in a whole different world. Another universe.”

Gradually Twilly slid back a couple of car lengths.

Desie said, “I’m an expert, remember? I’m married to one of them.”

“And it never makes you mad?”

“Twilly, it made me nuts. That’s why I’m here with you,” she said. “But now you’ve got me so scared I’m about to wet my pants, so please back off. Forget about her.”

Twilly shifted restlessly. The driver of the Lexus had no clue; her tangly head, wreathed in smoke, bobbed and twitched as she chattered into the phone.

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