‘But then, don Juan, it is possible that a man may abandon himself to fear for years, but finally conquer it.’
‘No, that is not true. If he gives in to fear he will never conquer it, because he will shy away from learning and never try again. But if he tries to learn for years in the midst of his fear, he will eventually conquer it because he will never have really abandoned himself to it.’
‘How can he defeat his third enemy, don Juan?”
‘He has to defy it, deliberately. He has to come to realize the power he has seemingly conquered is in reality never his. He must keep himself in line at all times, handling carefully and faithfully all that he has learned. If he can see that clarity and power, without his control over himself, are worse than mistakes, he will reach a point where everything is held in check. He will know then when and how to use his power. And thus he will have defeated his third enemy.
‘The man will be, by then, at the end of his journey of learning, and almost without warning he will come upon the last of his enemies: Old age! This enemy is the cruellest of all, the one he won’t be able to defeat completely, but only fight away.
‘This is the time when a man has no more fears, no more impatient clarity of mind – a time when all his power is in check, but also the time when he has an unyielding desire to rest. If he gives in totally to his desire to lie down and forget, if he soothes himself in tiredness, he will have lost his last round, and his enemy will cut him down into a feeble old creature. His desire to retreat will overrule all his clarity, his power, and his knowledge.
‘But if the man sloughs off his tiredness, and lives his fate through, he can then be called a man of knowledge, if only for the brief moment when he succeeds in fighting off his last, invincible enemy. That moment of clarity, power, and knowledge is enough.’
4
Don Juan seldom spoke openly about Mescalito. Every time I questioned him on the subject he refused to talk, but he always said enough to create an impression of Mescalito, an impression that was always anthropomorphic. Mescalito was a male, not only because of the mandatory grammatical rule that gives the word a masculine gender, but also because of his constant qualities of being a protector and a teacher. Don Juan reaffirmed these characteristics in various forms every time we talked.
Sunday, 24 December 1961
‘The devil’s weed has never protected anyone. She serves only
to give power. Mescalito, on the other hand, is gentle, like a
baby.’
‘ But you said Mescalito is terrifying at times.’
‘ Of course he is terrifying, but once you get to know him, he is gentle and kind.’
‘How does he show his kindness?’
‘He is a protector and a teacher.’
‘How does he protect?’
‘You can keep him with you at all times and he will see that nothing bad happens to you.’
‘How can you keep him with you at all times?’
‘In a little bag, fastened under your arm or around your neck with a string.’
‘Do you have him with you?’
‘No, because I have an ally. But other people do.’
‘What does he teach?’
‘He teaches you to live properly.’ ‘How does he teach?’
‘He shows things and tells what is what [enzena las cosas y te dice loque son].’ ‘How?’ ‘You will have to see for yourself.’
Tuesday, 30 January 1962
‘What do you see when Mescalito takes you with him, don
Juan?’
‘Such things are not for ordinary conversation. I can’t tell you that.’
‘Would something bad happen to you if you told?’
‘Mescalito is a protector, a kind, gentle protector; but that does not mean you can make fun of him. Because he is a kind protector he can also be horror itself with those he does not like.’
‘I do not intend to make fun of him. I just want to know what he makes other people do or see. I described to you all that Mescalito made me see, don Juan.’
‘With you it is different, perhaps because you don’t know his ways. You have to be taught his ways as a child is taught how to walk.’
‘ How long do I still have to be taught?’
‘Until he himself begins to make sense to you.’
‘And then?’
‘Then you will understand by yourself. You won’t have to tell me anything any more.’
‘Can you just tell me where Mescalito takes you?’
‘I can’t talk about it.’
‘All I want to know is if there is another world to which he takes people.’
‘There is.’
‘Is it heaven?’ (The Spanish word for heaven is cielo, but that also means’ sky’.)
‘He takes you through the sky [cielo].’
‘I mean, is it heaven [cielo] where God is?’
‘You are being stupid now. I don’t know where God is.’
‘ Is Mescalito God – the only God ? Or is he one of the gods?’
‘He is just a protector and a teacher. He is a power.’
‘ Is he a power within ourselves?’
‘No. Mescalito has nothing to do with ourselves. He is outside us.’
‘Then everyone who takes Mescalito must see him in the same form.’
‘ No, not at all. He is not the same for everybody-‘
Thursday, 12 April 1962
‘ Why don’t you tell me more about Mescalito, don Juan?’
‘ There is nothing to tell.’
‘There must be thousands of things I should know before I encounter him again.’
‘No. Perhaps for you there is nothing you have to know. As I have already told you, he is not the same for everyone.’
‘ I know, but still I’d like to know how others feel about him.’
‘The opinion of those who care to talk about Him is not worth much. You will see. You will probably talk about him up to a certain point, and from then on you will never discuss him.’
‘ Can you tell me about your own first experiences?’
‘What for?’
‘ Then I’ll know how to behave with Mescalito’
‘You already know more than I do. You actually played with him. Someday you will see how kind the protector was with you. That first time I am sure he told you ma*y> many things, but you were deaf and blind.’
Saturday, 14 April 1962
‘ Does Mescalito take any form when he shows himself ?’
‘Yes, any form.’
‘Then, which are the most common forms you know?’
‘There are no common forms.’
‘Do you mean, don Juan, that he appears in any form, even to men who know him well?’
‘No. He appears in any form to those who “now him only a little, but to those who know him well, he is always constant.’
‘How is he constant?’
‘He appears to them sometimes as a man, like us, or as a light.’
‘Does Mescalito ever change his permanent form with those who know him well?’
‘Not to my knowledge.’
Friday, 6 July 1962
Don Juan and I started on a trip late in the afternoon of Saturday 23 June. He said we were going to look for honguitos (mushrooms) in the state of Chihuahua. He said it was going to be a long, hard trip. He was right. We arrived in a little mining town in northern Chihuahua at 10:00 p.m. on Wednesday 27 June. We walked from the place I had parked the car at the outskirts of town, to the house of his friends, a Tarahumara Indian and his wife. We slept there.
The next morning the man woke us up around five. He brought us gruel and beans. He sat and talked to don Juan while we ate, but he said nothing concerning our trip.
After breakfast the man put water into my canteen, and two sweet-rolls into my knapsack. Don Juan handed me the canteen, fixed the knapsack with a cord over his shoulders, thanked the man for his courtesies, and, turning to me, said, ‘It is time to go.’
We walked on the dirt road for about a mile. From there we cut through the fields and in two hours we were at the foot of the hills south of town. We climbed the gentle slopes, in a southwesterly direction. When we reached the steeper inclines, don Juan changed directions and we followed a high valley to the east. Despite his advanced age, don Juan kept up a pace so incredibly fast that by midday I was completely exhausted. We sat down and he opened the bread sack.
‘You can eat all of it, if you want,’ he said.
‘How about you?’
‘ I am not hungry, and we won’t need this food later on.’