‘ You always exaggerate.’
‘ This is not exaggeration.’
‘It is. The only trouble is that you exaggerate the bad points only.’
‘There are no good points so far as I am concerned. All I know is that it makes me afraid.’
‘There is nothing wrong with being afraid. When you fear, you see things in a different way.’
‘But I don’t care about seeing things in a different way, don Juan. I think I am going to leave the learning about Mescalito alone. I can’t handle it, don Juan. This is really a bad situation for me.’
‘ Of course it is bad – even for me. You are not the only one who is baffled.’
‘Why should you be baffled, don Juan?’
‘I have been thinking about what I saw the other night Mescalito actually played with you. That baffled me, because it was an indication [omen].’
‘What kind of – indication, don Juan?’
‘Mescalito was pointing you out to me.’
‘What for?’
‘It wasn’t clear to me then, but now it is. He meant you were the “chosen man” [escogido]. Mescalito pointed you out to me and by doing that he told me you were the chosen man.’
‘Do you mean I was chosen among others for some task, or something of the sort?’
‘No. What I mean is, Mescalito told me you could be the man I am looking for.’
‘When did he tell you that, don Juan?’
‘By playing with you, he told me that. This makes you the chosen man for me.’
‘ What does it mean to be the chosen man?’
‘There are some secrets I know [Tengo secretos]. I have secrets I won’t be able to reveal to anyone unless I find my chosen man. The other night when I saw you playing with Mescalito it was clear to me you were that man. But you are not an Indian. How baffling!’
‘But what does it mean to me, don Juan? What do I have to do?’
‘I’ve made up my mind and I am going to teach you the secrets that make up the lot of a man of knowledge.’
‘Do you mean the secrets about Mescalito?’
‘Yes, but those are not all the secrets I know. There are others, of n different kind, which I would like to give to someone. I had a teacher myself, my benefactor, and I also became his chosen man upon performing a certain feat. He taught me all I know.”
I asked him again what this new role would require of me; he said learning was the only thing involved, learning in the sense of what I had experienced in the two sessions with him.
The way in which the situation had evolved was quite strange. I had made up my mind to tell him I was going to give up the idea of learning about peyote, and then before I could really make my point, he offered to teach me his ‘knowledge’. I did not know what he meant by that, but I felt that this sudden turn was very serious. I argued I had no qualifications for such a task, as it required a rare kind of courage which I did not have. I told him that my bent of character was to talk about acts others performed. I wanted to hear his views and opinions about everything. I told him I could be happy if I could sit there and listen to him talk for days. To me, that would be learning.
He listened without interrupting me. I talked for a long time. Then he said:
‘All this is very easy to understand. Fear is the first natural enemy a man must overcome on his path to knowledge. Besides, you are curious. That evens up the score. And you will learn in spite of yourself; that’s the rule.’
I protested for a while longer, trying to dissuade him. But he seemed to be convinced there was nothing else I could do but learn.
‘You are not thinking in the proper order,’ he said. ‘Mescalito actually played with you. That’s the point to think about. Why don’t you dwell on that instead of on your fear?’
‘ Was it so unusual?’
‘You are the only person I have ever seen playing with him. You are not used to this kind of life; therefore the indications [omens] bypass you. Yet you are a serious person, but your seriousness is attached to what you do, not to what goes on outside you. You dwell upon yourself too much. That’s the trouble. And that produces a terrible fatigue.’
‘ But what else can anyone do, don Juan?’
‘Seek and see the marvels all around you. You will get tired of looking at yourself alone, and that fatigue will make you deaf and blind to everything else.’ ‘You have a point, don Juan, but how can I change?’ ‘Think about the wonder of Mescalito playing with you. Think about nothing else: The rest will come to you of itself.’
Sunday, 20 August 1961
Last night don Juan proceeded to usher me into the realm of his knowledge. We sat in front of his house in the dark. Suddenly, after a long silence, he began to talk. He said he was going to advise me with the same words his own benefactor had used the first day he took him as his apprentice. Don Juan had apparently memorized the words, for he repeated them several times, to make sure I did not miss any:
‘A man goes to knowledge as he goes to war, wide-awake, with fear, with respect, and with absolute assurance. Going to knowledge or going to war in any other manner is a mistake, and whoever makes it will live to regret his steps.’
I asked him why was it so and he said that when a man has fulfilled those four requisites there are no mistakes for which he will have to account; under such conditions his acts lose the blundering quality of a fool’s acts. If such a man fails, or suffers a defeat, he will have lost only a battle, and there will be no pitiful regrets over that.
Then he said he intended to teach me about an ‘ally’ in the very same way his own benefactor had taught him. He put strong emphasis on the words ‘very same way’, repeating the phrase several times.
An ‘ally’, he said, is a power a man can bring into his life to help him, advise him, and give him the strength necessary to perform acts, whether big or small, right or wrong. This ally is necessary to enhance a man’s life, guide his acts, and further his knowledge. In fact, an ally is the indispensable aid to knowing. Don Juan said this with great conviction and force. He seemed to choose his words carefully. He repeated the following sentence four times:
‘An ally will make you see and understand things about which no human being could possibly enlighten you.’
‘Is an ally something like a guardian spirit?’
‘ It is neither a guardian nor a spirit. It is an aid.’
‘Is Mescalito your ally?’
‘No! Mescalito is another kind of power. A unique power! A protector, a teacher.’
‘What makes Mescalito different from an ally?’
‘He can’t be tamed and used as an ally is tamed and used. Mescalito is outside oneself. He chooses to show himself in many forms to whoever stands in front of him, regardless of whether that person is a brujo or a farm boy.’
Don Juan spoke with deep fervour about Mescalito’s being the teacher of the proper way to live. I asked him how Mescalito taught the ‘proper way of life’, and don Juan replied that Mescalito showed how to live.
‘How does he show it?’ I asked.
‘He has many ways of showing it. Sometimes he shows it on his hand, or on the rocks, or the trees, or just in front of you.’
‘Is it like a picture in front of you?’
‘No. It is a teaching in front of you.’
‘Does Mescalito talk to the person?’
‘Yes. But not in words.”
‘ How does he talk, then ?’
‘ He talks differently to every man.’
I felt my questions were annoying him. I did not ask any more. He went on explaining that there were no exact steps to knowing Mescalito; therefore no one could teach about him except Mescalito himself. This quality made him a unique power; he was not the same for every man.
On the other hand, the acquiring of an ally required, don Juan said, the most precise teaching and the following of stages or steps without a single deviation. There are many such ally powers in the world, he said, but he was familiar with only two of them. And he was going to lead me to them and their secrets, but it was up to me to choose one of them, for I could have only one. His benefactor’s ally was in la yerba del diablo (devil’s weed), he said, but he personally did not like it, even though his benefactor had taught him its secrets. His own ally was in the humito (the little smoke), he said, but he did not elaborate on the nature of the smoke.