Christian Science by Mark Twain

My, but it breathes a towering indignation!

There are forgivable offenses, but this is not one of them; there are

admonitions, probations, suspensions, in several minor cases; mercy is

shown the derelict, in those cases he is gently used, and in time he can

get back into the fold–even when he has repeated his offence. But let

him think, just once, without getting his thinker set to Eddy time, and

that is enough; his head comes off. There is no second offence, and

there is no gate open to that lost sheep, ever again.

“This rule cannot be changed, amended, or annulled, except by unanimous

vote of all the First Members.”

The same being Mrs. Eddy. It is naively sly and pretty to see her keep

putting forward First Members, and Boards of This and That, and other

broideries and ruffles of her raiment, as if they were independent

entities, instead of a part of her clothes, and could do things all by

themselves when she was outside of them.

Mrs. Eddy did not need to copyright the sentence just quoted, its English

would protect it. None but she would have shovelled that comically

superfluous “all” in there.

The former Unpardonable Sin has gone out of service. We may frame the

new Christian Science one thus:

“Whatsoever Member shall think, and without Our Mother’s permission act

upon his think, the same shall be cut off from the Church forever.”

It has been said that I make many mistakes about Christian Science

through being ignorant of the spiritual meanings of its terminology. I

believe it is true. I have been misled all this time by that word

Member, because there was no one to tell me that its spiritual meaning

was Slave.

AXE AND BLOCK

There is a By-law which forbids Members to practice hypnotism; the

penalty is excommunication.

1. If a member is found to be a mental practitioner–

2. Complaint is to be entered against him–

3. By the Pastor Emeritus, and by none else;

4. No member is allowed to make complaint to her in the matter;

5. Upon Mrs. Eddy’s mere “complaint”–unbacked by evidence or proof, and

without giving the accused a chance to be heard–” his name shall be

dropped from this Church.”

Mrs. Eddy has only to say a member is guilty–that is all. That ends it.

It is not a case of he “may” be cut off from Christian Science salvation,

it is a case of he “shall” be. Her serfs must see to it, and not say a

word.

Does the other Pope possess this prodigious and irresponsible power?

Certainly not in our day.

Some may be curious to know how Mrs. Eddy finds out that a member is

practicing hypnotism, since no one is allowed to come before her throne

and accuse him. She has explained this in Christian Science History,

first and second editions, page 16:

“I possess a spiritual sense of what the malicious mental practitioner is

mentally arguing which cannot be deceived; I can discern in the human

mind thoughts, motives, and purposes, and neither mental arguments nor

psychic power can affect this spiritual insight.”

A marvelous woman; with a hunger for power such as has never been seen in

the world before. No thing, little or big, that contains any seed or

suggestion of power escapes her avaricious eye; and when once she gets

that eye on it, her remorseless grip follows. There isn’t a Christian

Scientist who isn’t ecclesiastically as much her property as if she had

bought him and paid for him, and copyrighted him and got a charter. She

cannot be satisfied when she has handcuffed a member, and put a leg-chain

and ball on him and plugged his ears and removed his thinker, she goes on

wrapping needless chains round and round him, just as a spider would.

For she trusts no one, believes in no one’s honesty, judges every one by

herself. Although we have seen that she has absolute and irresponsible

command over her spectral Boards and over every official and servant of

her Church, at home and abroad, over every minute detail of her Church’s

government, present and future, and can purge her membership of guilty or

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