Christian Science by Mark Twain

1. What is a branch Church? It is a body of Christian Scientists,

organized in the one and only permissible way–by a member, in good

standing, of the Mother-Church, and who is also a pupil of one of Mrs.

Eddy’s accredited students. That is to say, one of her properties. No

other can do it. There are other indispensable requisites; what are

they?

2. The new Church cannot enter upon its functions until its members have

individually signed, and pledged allegiance to, a Creed furnished by Mrs.

Eddy.

3. They are obliged to study her books, and order their lives by them.

And they must read no outside religious works.

4. They must sing the hymns and pray the prayers provided by her, and

use no others in the services, except by her permission.

5. They cannot have preachers and pastors. Her law.

6. In their Church they must have two Readers–a man and a woman.

7. They must read the services framed and appointed by her.

8. She–not the branch Church –appoints those Readers.

9. She–not the branch Church–dismisses them and fills the vacancies.

1O. She can do this without consulting the branch Church, and without

explaining.

11. The branch Church can have a religious lecture from time to time.

By applying to Mrs. Eddy. There is no other way.

12. But the branch Church cannot select the lecturer. Mrs. Eddy does

it.

13. The branch Church pays his fee.

14. The harnessing of all Christian Science wedding-teams, members of

the branch Church, must be done by duly authorized and consecrated

Christian Science functionaries. Her factory is the only one that makes

and licenses them.

[15. Nothing is said about christenings. It is inferable from this that

a Christian Science child is born a Christian Scientist and requires no

tinkering.]

[16. Nothing is said about funerals. It is inferable, then, that a

branch Church is privileged to do in that matter as it may choose.]

To sum up. Are any important Church-functions absent from the list? I

cannot call any to mind. Are there any lacking ones whose exercise could

make the branch in any noticeable way independent of the Mother. Church?

–even in any trifling degree? I think of none. If the named functions

were abolished would there still be a Church left? Would there be even a

shadow of a Church left? Would there be anything at all left? even the

bare name?

Manifestly not. There isn’t a single vital and essential Church-function

of any kind, that is not named in the list. And over every one of them

the Mother-Church has permanent and unchallengeable control, upon every

one of them Mrs. Eddy has set her irremovable grip. She holds, in

perpetuity, autocratic and indisputable sovereignty and control over

every branch Church in the earth; and yet says, in that sugary, naive,

angel-beguiling way of hers, that the Mother-Church:

“shall assume no official control of other churches of this

denomination.”

Whereas in truth the unmeddled-with liberties of a branch Christian

Science Church are but very, very few in number, and are these:

1. It can appoint its own furnace-stoker, winters.

2. It can appoint its own fan-distributors, summers.

3. It can, in accordance with its own choice in the matter, burn, bury,

or preserve members who are pretending to be dead–whereas there is no

such thing as death.

4. It can take up a collection.

The branch Churches have no important liberties, none that give them an

important voice in their own affairs. Those are all locked up, and Mrs.

Eddy has the key. “Local Self-Government ” is a large name and sounds

well; but the branch Churches have no more of it than have the privates

in the King of Dahomey’s army.

“MOTHER-CHURCH UNIQUE”

Mrs. Eddy, with an envious and admiring eye upon the solitary and

rivalless and world-shadowing majesty of St. Peter’s, reveals in her By-

laws her purpose to set the Mother-Church apart by itself in a stately

seclusion and make it duplicate that lone sublimity under the Western

sky. The By-law headed “Mother-Church Unique “says–

“In its relation to other Christian Science churches, the Mother-Church

stands alone.

“It occupies a position that no other Church can fill.

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