Though he seldom laughed out loud, Steve knew there was a bitter humour in his vision of the world. People were lambs and sheep, all looking for shepherds. Of course these shepherds were fictions, in Quaid’s opinion. All that existed, in the darkness outside the sheep-fold were the fears that fixed on the innocent mutton: waiting, patient as stone, for their moment.
Everything was to be doubted, but the fact that dread existed.
Quaid’s intellectual arrogance was exhilarating. Steve soon came to love the iconoclastic ease with which he demolished belief after belief. Sometimes it was painful when Quaid formulated a water-tight argument against one of Steve’s dogma. But after a few weeks, even the sound of the demolition seemed to excite. Quaid was clearing the undergrowth, felling the trees, razing the stubble. Steve felt free.
Nation, family, Church, law. All ash. All useless. All cheats, and chains and suffocation.
There was only dread.
“I fear, you fear, we fear,” Quaid was fond of saying. “He, she or it fears. There’s no conscious thing on the face of the world that doesn’t know dread more intimately than its own heartbeat.”
One of Quaid’s favourite baiting-victims was another Philosophy and Eng. Lit. student, Cheryl Fromm. She would rise to his more outrageous remarks like fish to rain, and while the two of them took knives to each other’s arguments Steve would sit back and watch the spectacle. Cheryl was, in Quaid’s phrase, a pathological optimist.
“And you’re full of shit,” she’d say when the debate had warmed up a little. “So who cares if you’re afraid of your own shadow? I’m not. I feel fine.”
She certainly looked it. Cheryl Fromm was wet dream material, but too bright for anyone to try making a move on her.
“We all taste dread once in a while,” Quaid would reply to her, and his milky eyes would study her face intently, watching for her reaction, trying, Steve knew, to find a flaw in her conviction.
“I don’t.”
“No fears? No nightmares?”
“No way. I’ve got a good family; don’t have any skeletons in my closet. I don’t even eat meat, so I don’t feel bad when I drive past a slaughterhouse. I don’t have any shit to put on show. Does that mean I’m not real?”
“It means,” Quaid’s eyes were snake-slits, “it means your confidence has something big to cover.”
“Back to nightmares.”
“Big nightmares.”
“Be specific: define your terms.”
“I can’t tell you what you fear.”
“Tell me what you fear then.”
Quaid hesitated. “Finally,” he said, “It’s beyond analysis.”
“Beyond analysis, my ass!”
That brought an involuntary smile to Steve’s lips. Cheryl’s ass was indeed beyond analysis. The only response was to kneel down and worship.
Quaid was back on his soap-box.
“What I fear is personal to me. It makes no sense in a larger context. The signs of my dread, the images my brain uses, if you like, to illustrate my fear, those signs are mild stuff by comparison with the real honor that”s at the root of my personality.”
“I’ve got images,” said Steve. “Pictures from childhood that make me think of —” He stopped, regretting this confessional already.
“What?” said Cheryl. “You mean things to do with bad experiences? Falling off your bike, or something like that?”
“Perhaps,” Steve said. “I find myself, sometimes, thinking of those pictures. Not deliberately, just when my concentration’s idling. It’s almost as though my mind went to them automatically.”
Quaid gave a little grunt of satisfaction. “Precisely,” he said.
“Freud writes on that,” said Cheryl.
“What?”
“Freud,” Cheryl repeated, this time making a performance of it, as though she were speaking to a child. “Sigmund Freud: you may have heard of him.”
Quaid’s lip curled with unrestrained contempt. “Mother fixations don’t answer the problem. The real terrors in me, in all of us, are pre-personality. Dread’s there before we have any notion of ourselves as individuals. The thumb-nail, curled up on itself in the womb, feels fear.”
“You remember do you?” said Cheryl.
“Maybe,” Quaid replied, deadly serious.
“The womb?”
Quaid gave a sort of half-smile. Steve thought the smile said: “I have knowledge you don’t.”
It was a weird, unpleasant smile; one Steve wanted to wash off his eyes.