“Would you mind being more specific?”
“All right,” he said, turning the pages to one of many markers that protruded from the file. “According to the record, you have been an undergraduate here for-let me see-approximately thirteen years.”
“That sounds about right.”
“Full-time,” he added.
“Yes, I’ve always been full-time.”
“You entered the university at an early age. You were a precocious little fellow. Your grades have always been quite good.”
“Thank you.”
“That was not a compliment. It was an observation. Lots of grad material too, but always for undergrad credit. Quantity-wise, in fact, there is the substance of a couple of doctorates in here. Several composites suggest themselves-“
“Composites do not come under the departmental major rule.”
“Yes. I am well aware of that. We are both quite well aware of that. It has become obvious over the years that your intention is to retain your full-time status but never to graduate.”
“I never said that.”
“An acknowledgment would be redundant. Mister Cassidy. The record speaks for itself. Once you had all the general requirements out of the way, it was still relatively simple for you to avoid graduation by switching your major periodically and obtaining a new set of special requirements. After a time, however, these began to overlap. It soon became necessary for you to switch every semester. The rule concerning mandatory graduation on completion of a departmental major was, as I understand it, passed solely because of you. You have done a lot of sidestepping, but this time you are all out of sides to step to. Time runs, the clock will strike. This is the last interview of this sort you will ever have.”
“I hope so. I just came to get my card signed.”
“You also asked me a question.”
“Yes, but I can see now that you’re busy and I’m willing to let you off the hook.”
“That’s quite all right. I’m here to answer your questions. To continue, when I first learned of your case, I was naturally curious as to the reason for your peculiar behavior. When I was offered the opportunity of becoming your adviser, I made it my business to find out-“
“ ‘Offered’? You mean you’re doing this by choice?”
“Very much so. I wanted to be the one to say goodbye to you, to see you off on your way into the real world.”
“If you’d just sign my card-“
“Not yet. Mister Cassidy. You wanted to know why I dislike you. When you leave here-via the door-you will know. To begin with, I have succeeded where my predecessors failed. I am familiar with the provisions of your uncle’s will.”
I nodded. I had had a feeling he was driving that way.
“You seem to have exceeded the scope of your appointment,” I said. “That is a personal matter.”
“When it touches upon your activities here, it comes within my area of interest-and speculation. As I understand it, your late uncle left a fairly sizable fund out of which you receive an extremely liberal allowance for so long as you are a full-time student working on a degree. Once you receive a degree of any sort, the allowance terminates and the balance remaining in the fund is to be distributed to representatives of the Irish Republican Army. I believe I have described the situation fairly?”
“As fairly as an unfair situation can be described, I suppose. Poor, batty old Uncle Albert. Poor me, actually. Yes, you have the facts straight.”
“It would seem that the man’s intention was to provide for your receiving an adequate education-no more, no less-and then leaving it to you to make your own way in the world. A most sensible notion, as I see it.”
“I had already guessed that.”
“And one to which you, obviously, do not subscribe.”
“True. Two very different philosophies of education are obviously involved here.”
“Mister Cassidy, I believe that economics rather than philosophy controls the situation. For thirteen years you have contrived to remain a full-time student without taking a degree so that your stipend would continue. You have taken gross advantage of the loophole in your uncle’s will because you are a playboy and a dilettante, with no real desire ever to work, to hold a job, to repay society for suffering your existence. You are an opportunist. You are irresponsible. You are a drone.”