Douglas Adams. Mostly harmless

Anyway, that night an alien spacecraft landed on her lawn.

5

She watched it coming in from over the Henley direction with mild curiosity at first, wondering what those lights were. Living, as she did, not a million miles from Heathrow, she was used to seeing lights in the sky. Not usually so late in the evening, or so low, though, which was why she was mildly curious.

When whatever it was began to come closer and closer her curiosity began to turn to bemusement.

`Hmmm,’ she thought, which was about as far as she could get with thinking. She was still feeling dopey and jet-lagged and the messages that one part of her brain was busy sending to another were not necessarily arriving on time or the right way up. She left the kitchen where she’d been fixing herself a coffee and went to open the back door which led out to the garden. She took a deep breath of cool evening air, stepped outside and looked up.

There was something roughly the size of a large camper van parked about a hundred feet above her lawn.

It was really there. Hanging there. Almost silent.

Something moved deep inside her.

Her arms dropped slowly down to her side. She didn’t notice the scalding coffee slopping over her foot. She was hardly breathing as slowly, inch by inch, foot by foot, the craft came downwards. Its lights were playing softly over the ground as if probing and feeling it. They played over her.

It seemed beyond all hope that she should be given her chance again. Had he found her? Had he come back? The craft dropped down and down until at last it had settled quietly on her lawn. It didn’t look exactly like the one she had seen departing all those years ago, she thought, but flashing lights in the night sky are hard to resolve into clear shapes.

Silence.

Then a click and a hum.

Then another click and another hum. Click hum, click hum.

A doorway slid open, spilling light towards her across the lawn.

She waited, tingling.

A figure stood silhouetted in the light, then another, and another.

Wide eyes blinked slowly at her. Hands were slowly raised in greeting.

`McMillan?’ a voice said at last, a strange, thin voice that managed the syllables with difficulty. `Tricia McMillan. Ms Tricia McMillan?’

`Yes,’ said Tricia, almost soundlessly.

`We have been monitoring you.’

`M… monitoring? Me?’

`Yes.’

They looked at her for a while, their large eyes moving up and down her very slowly.

`You look smaller in real life,’ one said at last.

`What?’ said Tricia.

`Yes.’

`I… I don’t understand,’ said Tricia. She hadn’t expected any of this, of course, but even for something she hadn’t expected to begin with it wasn’t going the way she expected. At last she said,

`Are you… are you from… Zaphod?’

This question seemed to cause a little consternation among the three figures. They conferred with each other in some skittering language of their own and then turned back to her.

`We don’t think so. Not as far as we know,’ said one.

`Where is Zaphod?’ said another, looking up into the night sky.

`I… I don’t know, said Tricia, helplessly.

`Is it far from here? Which direction? We don’t know.’

Tricia realised with a sinking heart that they had no idea who she was talking about. Or even what she was talking about. And she had no idea what they were talking about. She put her hopes tightly away again and snapped her brain back into gear. There was no point in being disappointed. She had to wake up to the fact that she had here the journalistic scoop of the cen- tury. What should she do? Go back into the house for a video camera? Wouldn’t they just be gone when she got back? She was thoroughly confused as to strategy. Keep’em talking, she thought. Figure it out later.

`You’ve been monitoring… me?’

`All of you. Everything on your planet. TV. Radio. Tele- communications. Computers. Video circuitry. Warehouses.’

`What?’

`Car parks. Everything. We monitor everything.’

Tricia stared at them.

`That must be very boring, isn’t it?’ she blurted out.

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