Dragons of Spring Dawning by Weis, Margaret

Tanis hung his head. The ship listed beneath his feet, sending him staggering into Maquesta’s desk, which was bolted to the floor. He caught himself and slowly pushed himself back to face them. The half-elf had endured much pain in his life-pain of prejudice, pain of loss, pain of knives, arrows, swords. But he did not think he could endure this pain. The look of betrayal in their eyes ran straight through his soul.

“Please, you must believe me…” What a stupid thing to say! he thought savagely. Why should they believe me! I’ve done nothing but lie to them ever since I returned. “All right,” he began again, “I know you don’t have any reason to believe me, but at least listen to me! I was walking through Flotsam when an elf attacked me. Seeing me in this get-up”-Tanis gestured at his dragonarmor-“he thought I was a dragon officer. Kitiara saved my life, then she recognized me. She thought I had joined the dragonarmy! What could I say? She”-Tanis swallowed and wiped his hand across his face-“she took me back to the inn and-and-” He choked, unable to continue.

“And you spent four days and nights in the loving embrace of a Dragon Highlord!” Caramon said, his voice rising in fury. Lurching to his feet, he stabbed an accusing finger at Tanis. “Then after four days, you needed a little rest! So you remembered us and you came calling to make certain we were still waiting for you! And we were! Just like the bunch of trusting lame-brains-”

“All right, so I was with Kitiara!” Tanis shouted, suddenly angry. “Yes, I loved her! I don’t expect you to understand-any of you! But I never betrayed you! I swear by the gods! When she left for Solamnia, it was the first chance I had to escape and I took it. A draconian followed me, apparently under Kit’s orders. I may be a fool. But I’m not a traitor!”

“Pah!” Raistlin spit on the floor.

“Listen, mage!” Tanis snarled. “If I had betrayed you, why was she so shocked to see you two-her brothers! If I had betrayed you, why didn’t I just send a few draconians to the inn to pick you up? I could have, any time. I could have sent them to pick up Berem, too. He’s the one she wants. He’s the one the draconians are searching for in Flotsam! I knew he was on this ship. Kitiara offered me the rulership of Krynn if I’d tell her. That’s how important he is. All I would’ve had to do was lead Kit to him and the Queen of Darkness herself would have rewarded me!”

“Don’t tell us you didn’t consider it!” Raistlin hissed.

Tanis opened his mouth, then fell silent. He knew his guilt was as plain on his face as the beard no true elf could grow. He choked, then put his hand over his eyes to block out their faces. “I-I loved her,” he said brokenly. “All these years. I refused to see what she was. And even when I knew-I couldn’t help myself. You love”-his eyes went to Riverwind-“and you”- turning to Caramon. The boat pitched again. Tanis gripped the side of the desk as he felt the deck cant away beneath his feet. “What would you have done? For five years, she’s been in my dreams!” He stopped. They were quiet. Caramon’s face was unusually thoughtful. Riverwind’s eyes were on Goldmoon.

“When she was gone,” Tanis continued, his voice soft and filled with pain. “I lay in her bed and I hated myself. You may hate me now, but you cannot hate me as much as I loathe and despise what I have become! I thought of Laurana and-”

Tanis fell silent, raising his head. Even as he talked, he had become aware of the motion of the ship changing. The rest glanced around, too. It did not take an experienced seaman to notice that they were no longer pitching around wildly. Now they were running in a smooth forward motion, a motion somehow more ominous because it was so unnatural. Before anyone could wonder what it meant, a crashing knock nearly split the cabin door.