“What do you mean I can’t have it both ways?” Miro spoke to Val as if she had actually repeated what she said.
Val turned toward him. “If you save Jane, it’s because she remembers everything about her life. It doesn’t do any good if you just slip her into me as an unconscious source of will. She has to remain herself, so she can be restored when the ansible network is restored. And that would wipe me out. Or if I’m preserved, my memories and personality, then what difference does it make if it’s Jane or Ender providing my will? You can’t save us both.”
“How do you know?” demanded Miro.
“The same way you know all these things you’re saying as if they were facts when nobody can possibly know anything about it!” cried Val. “I’m reasoning it out! It seems reasonable. That’s enough.”
“Why isn’t it just as reasonable that you’ll have your memories, and hers, too?”
“Then I’d be insane, wouldn’t I?” said Val. “Because I’d remember being a woman who sprang into being on a starship, whose first real memory is seeing you die and come to life. And I’d also remember three thousand years worth of life outside this body, living somehow in space and — what kind of person can hold memories like that? Did you think of that? How can a human being possibly contain Jane and all that she is and remembers and knows and can do?”
“Jane’s very strong,” Miro said. “But then, she doesn’t know how to use a body. She doesn’t have the instinct for it. She’s never had one. She’ll have to use your memories. She’ll have to leave you intact.”
“As if you know.”
“I do know,” said Miro. “I don’t know why or how I know it, but I know.”
“And I thought men were the rational ones,” she said scornfully.
“Nobody’s rational,” said Miro. “We all act because we’re sure of what we want, and we believe that the actions we perform will get us what we want, but we never know anything for sure, and so all our rationales are invented to justify what we were going to do anyway before we thought of any reasons.”
“Jane’s rational,” said Val. “Just one more reason why my body wouldn’t work for her.”
“Jane isn’t rational either,” said Miro. “She’s just like us. Just like the Hive Queen. Because she’s alive. Computers, now, those are rational. You feed them data, they reach only the conclusions that can be derived from that data — but that means they are perpetually helpless victims of whatever information and programs we feed into them. We living sentient beings, we are not slaves to the data we receive. The environment floods us with information, our genes give us certain impulses, but we don’t always act on that information, we don’t always obey our inborn needs. We make leaps. We know what can’t be known and then spend our lives seeking to justify that knowledge. I know that what I’m trying to do is possible.”
“You mean you want it to be possible.”
“Yes,” said Miro. “But just because I want it doesn’t mean it can’t be true.”
“But you don’t know.”
“I know it as much as anyone knows anything. Knowledge is just opinion that you trust enough to act upon. I don’t know the sun will rise tomorrow. The Little Doctor might blow up the world before I wake. A volcano might rise out of the ground and blast us all to smithereens. But I trust that tomorrow will come, and I act on that trust.”
“Well, I don’t trust that letting Jane replace Ender as my inmost self will leave anything resembling me in existence,” said Val.
“But I know — I know — that it’s our only chance, because if we don’t get you another aiъa Ender is going to extinguish you, and if we don’t get Jane another place to be her physical self, she’s also going to die. What’s your better plan?”
“I don’t have one,” said Val. “I don’t. If Jane can somehow be brought to dwell in my body, then it has to happen because Jane’s survival is so important to the future of three raman species. So I won’t stop you. I can’t stop you. But don’t think for a moment that I believe that I will live through it. You’re deluding yourself because you can’t bear to face the fact that your plan depends on one simple fact: I’m not a real person. I don’t exist, I don’t have a right to exist, and so my body is up for grabs. You tell yourself you love me and you’re trying to save me, but you’ve known Jane a lot longer, she was your truest friend during your months of loneliness as a cripple, I understand that you love her and would do anything to save her life, but I won’t pretend what you’re pretending. Your plan is for me to die and Jane to take my place. You can call that love if you want, but I will never call it that.”