Her change was equal.–This one half-hour had given to each the same precious certainty of being beloved, had cleared from each the same degree of ignorance, jealousy, or distrust.–On his side, there had been a long-standing jealousy, old as the arrival, or even the expectation, of Frank Churchill.–He had been in love with Emma, and jealous of Frank Churchill, from about the same period, one sentiment having probably enlightened him as to the other. It was his jealousy of Frank Churchill that had taken him from the country.–The Box Hill party had decided him on going away. He would save himself from witnessing again such permitted, encouraged attentions.–He had gone to learn to be indifferent.– But he had gone to a wrong place. There was too much domestic happiness in his brother’s house; woman wore too amiable a form in it; Isabella was too much like Emma–differing only in those striking inferiorities, which always brought the other in brilliancy before him, for much to have been done, even had his time been longer.–He had stayed on, however, vigorously, day after day–till this very morning’s post had conveyed the history of Jane Fairfax.–Then, with the gladness which must be felt, nay, which he did not scruple to feel, having never believed Frank Churchill to be at all deserving Emma, was there so much fond solicitude, so much keen anxiety for her, that he could stay no longer. He had ridden home through the rain; and had walked up directly after dinner, to see how this sweetest and best of all creatures, faultless in spite of all her faults, bore the discovery.
He had found her agitated and low.–Frank Churchill was a villain.– He heard her declare that she had never loved him. Frank Churchill’s character was not desperate.–She was his own Emma, by hand and word, when they returned into the house; and if he could have thought of Frank Churchill then, he might have deemed him a very good sort of fellow.
CHAPTER XIV
What totally different feelings did Emma take back into the house from what she had brought out!–she had then been only daring to hope for a little respite of suffering;–she was now in an exquisite flutter of happiness, and such happiness moreover as she believed must still be greater when the flutter should have passed away.
They sat down to tea–the same party round the same table– how often it had been collected!–and how often had her eyes fallen on the same shrubs in the lawn, and observed the same beautiful effect of the western sun!–But never in such a state of spirits, never in any thing like it; and it was with difficulty that she could summon enough of her usual self to be the attentive lady of the house, or even the attentive daughter.
Poor Mr. Woodhouse little suspected what was plotting against him in the breast of that man whom he was so cordially welcoming, and so anxiously hoping might not have taken cold from his ride.–Could he have seen the heart, he would have cared very little for the lungs; but without the most distant imagination of the impending evil, without the slightest perception of any thing extraordinary in the looks or ways of either, he repeated to them very comfortably all the articles of news he had received from Mr. Perry, and talked on with much self-contentment, totally unsuspicious of what they could have told him in return.
As long as Mr. Knightley remained with them, Emma’s fever continued; but when he was gone, she began to be a little tranquillised and subdued–and in the course of the sleepless night, which was the tax for such an evening, she found one or two such very serious points to consider, as made her feel, that even her happiness must have some alloy. Her father–and Harriet. She could not be alone without feeling the full weight of their separate claims; and how to guard the comfort of both to the utmost, was the question. With respect to her father, it was a question soon answered. She hardly knew yet what Mr. Knightley would ask; but a very short parley with her own heart produced the most solemn resolution of never quitting her father.–She even wept over the idea of it, as a sin of thought. While he lived, it must be only an engagement; but she flattered herself, that if divested of the danger of drawing her away, it might become an increase of comfort to him.– How to do her best by Harriet, was of more difficult decision;– how to spare her from any unnecessary pain; how to make her any possible atonement; how to appear least her enemy?– On these subjects, her perplexity and distress were very great– and her mind had to pass again and again through every bitter reproach and sorrowful regret that had ever surrounded it.– She could only resolve at last, that she would still avoid a meeting with her, and communicate all that need be told by letter; that it would be inexpressibly desirable to have her removed just now for a time from Highbury, and–indulging in one scheme more– nearly resolve, that it might be practicable to get an invitation for her to Brunswick Square.–Isabella had been pleased with Harriet; and a few weeks spent in London must give her some amusement.– She did not think it in Harriet’s nature to escape being benefited by novelty and variety, by the streets, the shops, and the children.– At any rate, it would be a proof of attention and kindness in herself, from whom every thing was due; a separation for the present; an averting of the evil day, when they must all be together again.