“Even if I left you alone, events wouldn’t,” answered Padma. “Tarn, open your eyes and look at things as they are. You’re already involved. Listen to me.” His hazel eyes caught what little light there was for a moment. “A force intruded on the pattern on Ste. Marie, in the shape of a unit warped by personal loss and oriented toward violence. That was you, Tarn.”
I tried to shake my head again, but I knew he was right.
“You were blocked in the direction of your conscious effort on Ste. Marie,” Padma went on, “but the conservations of energies would not be balked.
When you were frustrated by Jamethon, the force you had brought to bear on the situation was not destroyed. It was only transmuted and left the pattern in the unit of another individual, now also warped by personal loss and oriented toward violent effect upon the pattern.”
I wet my lips.
‘ ‘What other individual?”
“lan Graeme.”
I stood, staring at him.
“lan found his brother’s three assassins hiding in a hotel room in Blauvain,” said Padma. “He killed them with his hands-and by so doing he calmed the mercenaries and frustrated the plans of the Blue Front to salvage something out of the situation. But then lan resigned and went home to the Dorsai. He’s charged now with the same sense of loss and -bitterness you were charged with when you came to Ste. Marie.” Padma hesitated. “Now he has great causal potential. How it will expend itself within the future pattern remains to be seen.”
He paused again, watching me with his inescapable yellow gaze.
“You see, Tarn,” he went on after a moment, “how no one like you can resign from effect upon the fabric of events? I tell you you can only change.” His voice softened. “Do I have to remind you now that you’re still charged-only with a different force instead? You received the full impact and effect of Jamethon’s self-sacrifice to save his men.”
His words were like a fist in the pit of my stomach-a blow as hard as the one I had given Janol Marat when I escaped from Kensie’s camp on Ste.
Marie. In spite of the new, watery sunlight filtering down to us, I began to shiver.
It was so. I could not deny it. Jamethon, in giving his life up for a belief, where I had scorned all beliefs in my plan to twist things as I wanted them, had melted and changed me as lightning melts and changes the uplifted sword-blade that it strikes. I could not deny what had happened to me.
“It’s no use,” I said, still shivering. “It makes no difference. I’m not strong enough to do anything. I tell you, I moved everything against Jamethon, and he won.”
“But Jamethon was wholehearted; and you were fighting against your true nature at the same time you fought him,” said Padma. “Look at me, Tarn!”
I looked at him. The hazel magnets of his eyes caught and anchored mine.
“The purpose for which on the Exotics it was calculated I should come to meet you here is still waiting for us,” he said. “You remember, Tarn, how in Mark Torre’s office you accused me of hypnotizing you?” I nodded.
“It wasn’t hypnosis-or not quite hypnosis,” he said. “All I did was to help you open a channel between your conscious and unconscious selves. Have you got the courage, after seeing what Jamethon did, to let me help you open it once again?”
His words hung on the air between us; and, balanced on the pinpoint of that moment, I heard the strong, proud-textured voice praying inside the church. I saw the sun trying to pierce through the thinning clouds overhead; and at the same time, in my mind’s eye, I saw the dark walls of my valley as Padma had described them that day long ago back at the Encyclopedia. They were there still, high and close about me, shutting out the sunlight. Only, like a narrow doorway, still ahead of me, was there unshadowed light.
I thought of the place of lightning I had seen when Padma held up his finger to me that time before; and-weak, and broken and defeated as I felt now- the thought of entering that area of battle again filled me with a sick hopelessness. I was not strong enough to face lightning anymore. Maybe I never had been.
“For he hath been a soldier of his people, who are the People of the Lord, and a soldier of the Lord,” the distant, single voice praying from the church came faintly to my ear, “and in no thing did he fail the Lord, who is our Lord, and the Lord of all strength and righteousness. Therefore, let him be taken up from us into the ranks of those who, having shed the mask of life, are blessed and welcomed unto the Lord.”
I heard this, and suddenly the taste of homecom-ing, the taste of an undeniable return to an eternal home and unshakable certainty in the faith of my forefathers, was strong in my mouth. The ranks of those who would never falter closed comfortingly around me; and I, who also had not faltered, moved into step and went forward with them. In that second, for a second, then, I felt what Jamethon must have felt, faced with me and with the decision of life and death for himself on Ste. Marie. Only for a moment I felt it, but that was enough.
“Go ahead,” I heard myself saying to Padma.
I saw his finger lifted toward me.
Into darkness, I went-into darkness and fury; a place of lightning, but not of open lightning any Ion-305 ger, but roiling murk and cloud and storm and thunder. Tossed and whirled, beaten downward by the rage and violence about me, I battled to lift, to fight my way up into the light and open air above the storm clouds. But my own efforts sent me tumbling, sent me whirling wildly, pitching downward instead of up-and, at last, I understood.
For the storm was my own inner storm, the storm of my making. It was the inner fury of violence and revenge and destruction that I had been building in myself all these years; and as I had turned the strengths of others against them, now it turned my own strength against me, pushing me down and down, ever farther into its darkness, until all light should be lost to me.
Down I went, for its power was greater than mine. Down I went, and down; but when I was lost at last in total darkness, and when I would have given up, I found I could not. Something other in me would not. It kept fighting back and fighting on. And then, I recognized this as well.
It was that which Mathias had never been able to kill in me as a boy. It was all of Earth and upward-striving man. It was Leonidas and his three hundred at Thermopylae. It was the wandering of the Israelites in the wilderness and their crossing of the Red Sea. It was the Parthenon on the Acropolis, white above Athens, and the windowless darkness of my uncle’s house.
It was this in me-the unyielding spirit of all men- which would not yield now. Suddenly, in my battered, storm-beaten spirit, drowning in darkness, something leaped for wild joy. Because abruptly I saw that it was there for me, too-that high, stony land where the air was pure and the rags of pretense and trickery were stripped away by the unrelenting wind of faith.
I had attacked Jamethon in the area of his strength-out of my own inner area of weakness. That was what Padma had meant by saying I had been fighting myself, even while I was fighting Jamethon. That was why I had lost the conflict, pitting my unbelieving desire against his strong belief. But my defeat did not mean I was without a land of inner strength. It was there, it had been there, hidden in me all along!
Now I saw it clearly. And ringing like bells for a victory, then, I thought I heard once more the hoarse voice of Mark Torre,-tolling at me in triumph; and the voice of Lisa, who, I saw now, had understood me better than I understood myself and never abandoned me. Lisa. And as I thought of her again, I began to hear them all.
All the millions, the billions of swarming voices- the voices of all human people since man first stood upright and walked on his hind legs. They were around me once more as they had been that day at the Transit Point of the Index Room of the Final Encyclopedia; and they closed about me like wings, bearing me up, up and unconquerable, through the roiling darkness, with the lift of a courage that was cousin to the courage of Kensie, with a faith that was father to the faith of Jamethon, with a search that was brother to the search of Padma.