slum area, or a school.
Stadiums haven’t changed much since the Romans built the Colosseum; if you
have seen Yankee Stadium, Soldiers’ Field, or the Rose Bowl-or even the football
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stands of Podunk High-you’ve seen enough empty stadiums to last a lifetime. So
refuse!
But the guide has orders that you must see the stadium; no other theory will
account for the persistence with which all Intourist guides insist that you see the
local stadium. If you manage to get in and out of the Soviet Union without visiting
a stadium, award yourself the Order of Hero of Soviet Travel, First Class.
(We saw a lot of them-nobody had warned us.)
Each Intourist hotel has a place called the “Service Bureau.” “Service” in
this usage is an example of Communist semantics comparable to “co-existence,”
“peace-loving,” “democratic,” etc. Here most of your battles with Intourist will
take place. Second only to the passed-out drunk, the most typical sight in the
Soviet Union is an American tourist seated in a service bureau, his expression
getting tighter as the weary, expensive minutes trickle away.
Intourist rarely uses the blunt refusal on this unhappy creature; instead
the standard tactics are please-sit-down-and-wait-for-just-a-moment (which usually
turns out to be at least an hour), I’m-sorry-butthe-Director-is-out (and won’t
return as long as you keep hanging around), come-back-later (when the desk will be
closed), and go-to-that-desk-at-the-farend-of-the-room (where, after more delay and
much consultation, you will be sent back to the desk from which you started).
When facing this, to get part of what you have paid for (and anything over
70% is a triumph, with 50% par for the course) you must stick to pre-planned
defensive tactics and never, never, never lose your temper, or you will wind up a
fit candidate for wet packs and sedation.
Their first weapon is politeness. You must resist this soporific politeness
or you will not get anything.
First-Stage Defense: Be just as polite as they are-but utterly stubborn.
Above all, don’t sit down when invited to. If you do, this retires you from the game
for an indefinite penalty period. Hold your ground, standing
firmly against the desk and taking up as much space as possible-lean on it with
hands spread wide to double your combat frontage. Say firmly and politely:
“No, thank you, I’ll wait right here”-then monopolize that desk and clerk, making it
impossible for business to be transacted until Intourist has honored your contract
on the point you have raised.
Keep talking. It does not matter what you say nor whether the clerk
understands English-keep talking! Your purpose is to take that unit of Intourist out
of the game until your request has been met, not with promises but with immediate
action-whereas their purpose is to get you out of the game by persuading you to sit
down away from the desk.
So hold your ground and be softly, politely stubborn. Usually someone with
authority will arrive in a few minutes and satisfy your request.
Defense in Depth: Be prepared to simulate anger at any instant. It is much
better to pretend to lose your temper before things have grown so unbearable that
you actually do blow your top; it saves wear and tear on your ulcers and enables you
to conduct your tactics more efficiently.
(And I must say a word on behalf of Intourist employees. About three
quarters of them are young women, girls really. They are nice people, polite,
harassed, overworked, and underpaid. They are prisoners of a system which
automatically frustrates the traveler, and they are more imprisoned by it than you
are, for you will escape (we hope) on the date set forth on your exit visa. They
can’t. These poor kids did not invent the silly red tape and mountains of useless
paperwork and those in the lower ranks have no authority to vary from it. So don’t
be too harsh and try not to lose your temper in fact.)
But be prepared to simulate anger whenever the log jam does not break under
the pianissimo tactics of the first-stage defense. When you refuse to sit down and
wait, the clerk will sometimes turn away and ignore you.
It is then time to throw a fit.