surrounded by a dreary forest of reference books and somewhat-organized papers. The
high point of his day is the breathless excitement of waiting for the postman. (The
low point is usually immediately thereafter.)
How can one write entertaining memoirs about such an occupation? Answer: By
writing about what this scrivener did when not writing, or by resorting to fiction,
or both. Usually both.
I could write entertaining memoirs about things I did when not writing. I
shan’t do so because a) I hope those incidents have been forgotten, or b) I hope
that any not forgotten are covered by the statute of limitations.
Meanwhile I hope you enjoy this. The fiction is plainly marked fiction; the
nonfiction is as truthful as I can make it-and here and there, tucked into space
that would otherwise be blank are anecdotes and trivia ranging from edifying to
outrageous.
Each copy is guaranteed-or double your money back-to be printed on genuine
paper of enough pages to hold the covers apart.
-R.A.H.
FOREWORD
The beginning of 1939 found me flat broke following a disastrous political
Campaign (I ran a strong second best, but in politics there are no prizes for place
or show). I was highly skilled in ordnance, gunnery, and fire control for Naval
vessels, a skill for which there was no demand ashore-and I had a piece of paper
from the Secretary of the Navy telling me that I was a waste of space-“totally and
permanently disabled” was the phraseology. I “owned” a heavily-mortgaged house.
About then THRILLING WONDER STORIES ran a house ad reading (more or less):
GIANT PRIZE CONTEST-Amateur Writers!!!!!!
First Prize $50 Fifty Dollars $50
In 1939 one could fill three station wagons with fifty dollars worth of
groceries. Today I can pick up fifty dollars in groceries unassisted-perhaps I’ve
grown stronger. So I wrote the story LIFE-LINE. It took me four days-I am a slow
typist. But I did not send it to THRILLING WONDER; I sent it to ASTOUNDING, figuring
they would not be so swamped with amateur short stories.
ASTOUNDING bought it. . . for S70, or .S20 more than that “Grand Prize”-and
there was never a chance that I would ever again look for honest work.
Life-Line
THE chairman rapped loudly for order. Gradually the catcalls and boos died away as
several self-appointed sergeants-at-arms persuaded a few hot-headed individuals to
sit down. The speaker on the rostrum by the chairman seemed unaware of the
disturbance. His bland, faintly insolent face was impassive. The chairman turned to
the speaker, and addressed him, in a voice in which anger and annoyance were barely
restrained.
“Doctor Pinero,” – the “Doctor” was faintly stressed – “I must apologize to
you for the unseemly outburst during your remarks. I am surprised that my colleagues
should so far forget the dignity proper to men of science as to interrupt a speaker,
no matter,” he paused and set his mouth, “no matter how great the provocation.”
Pinero smiled in his face, a smile that was in some way an open insult. The chairman
visibly controlled his temper and continued, “I am anxious that the program be
concluded decently and in order. I want you to finish your remarks. Nevertheless, I
must ask you to refrain from affronting our intelligence with ideas that any
educated man knows to be fallacious. Please confine yourself to your discovery – if
you have made one.”
Pinero spread his fat white hands, palms down. “How can I possibly put a new
idea into your heads, if I do not first remove your delusions?”
Page 3
The audience stirred and muttered. Someone shouted from the rear of the
hail, “Throw the charlatan out! We’ve had enough.” The chairman pounded his gavel.
“Gentlemen! Please!” Then to Pinero, “Must I remind you that you are not a
member of this body, and that we did not invite you?”
Pinero’s eyebrows lifted. “So? I seem to remember an invitation on the
letterhead of the Academy?”
The chairman chewed his lower lip before replying. “True. I wrote that
invitation myself. But it was at the request of one of the trustees – a fine
public-spirited gentleman, but not a scientist, not a member of the Academy.”