‘What’s up, master?
Death stuck his head through the wood of the door
THERE’S THESE METAL THING
‘Bolts, master. You slide them,’ said Albert, sticking his hands under his armpits to
keep them warm
AH
Death’s head disappeared. Albert stamped his feet and watched his breath cloud in
the air while he listened to the pathetic scrabbling on the other side of the door
Death’s head appeared again
ER ..
‘It’s the latch, master,’ said Albert wearily
RIGHT. RIGHT
‘You put your thumb on it and push it down.
RIGHT
The head disappeared. Albert jumped up and down a bit, and waited
The head appeared
ER … I WAS WITH YOU UP TO THE THUMB..
Albert sighed. ‘And then you press down and pul , master.
AH. RIGHT. GOT YOU
The head disappeared
Oh dear, thought Albert. He just can’t get the hang of them, can he …
The door jerked open. Death stood behind it, beaming proudly, as Albert staggered
in, snow blowing in with him
‘Blimey, it’s getting real y parky,’ said Albert. ‘Any sherry?’ he added hopeful y
IT APPEARS NOT
Death looked at the sock hooked on to the side of the stove. It had a hole in it
A letter, in erratic handwriting, was attached to it. Death picked it up
THE BOY WANTS A PAIR OF TROUSERS THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO SHARE,
A HUGE MEAT PIE, A SUGAR MOUSE, ‘A LOT OF TOYS’ AND A PUPPY CALLED
SCRUFF
‘Ah, sweet,’ said Albert. ‘I shal wipe away a tear, ‘cos what he’s gettin’ , see, is this
little wooden toy and an apple.’ He held them out
BUT THE LETTER CLEARL
‘Yes, wel , it’s socio-economic factors again
right?’ said Albert ‘The world’d be in a right mess if everyone got what they asked for,
eh?
I GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED IN THE STORE . .
‘Yeah, and that’s gonna cause a lot of trouble, master. Al them “toy pigs that real y
work”. I didn’t say nothing ‘cos it was getting the job done but you can’t go on like that.
What good’s a god who gives you everything you want?
YOU HAVE ME THERE
‘It’s the hope that’s important. Big part of belief, hope. Give people jam today and
they’l just sit and eat it. jam tomorrow, now – that’l keep them going for ever.
AND YOU MEAN THAT BECAUSE OF THIS THE POOR GET POOR THINGS AND
THE RICH GET RICH THINGS
‘ ‘s right,’ said Albert. ‘That’s the meaning of Hogswatch.
Death nearly wailed
BUT I’M THE HOGFATHER! He looked embarrassed. AT THE MOMENT, I MEAN
‘Makes no difference,’ said Albert, shrugging. ‘I remember when I was a nipper, one
Hogswatch I had my heart set on this huge model horse they had in the shop . . .’ His
face creased for a moment in a grim smile of recol ection. ‘I remember I spent hours
one day, cold as charity the weather was, I spent hours with my nose pressed up
against the window . . . until they heard me cal in’, and unfroze me. I saw them take it
out of the window, someone was in there buying it, and, y’know, just for a second I
thought it real y was going to b
for me … Oh. I dreamed of that toy horse. It were red and white with a real saddle
and everything. And rockers. I’d’ve kil ed for that horse.’ He shrugged again. ‘Not a
chance, of course, ‘cos we didn’t have a pot to piss in and we even àd to spit on the
bread to make it soft enough to eat—
PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME. WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT HAVING A POT TO
PISS IN
‘It’s … it’s more like a figure of speech, master. It means you’re as poor as a church
mouse.
ARE THEY POOR
‘Wel … yeah.
BUT SURELY NOT MORE POOR THAN ANY OTHER MOUSE? AND, AFTER ALL,
THERE TEND TO BE LOTS OF CANDLES AND THINGS THEY COULD EAT
‘Figure of speech again, master. It doesn’t have to make sense.
OH. I SEE. DO CARRY ON
‘O’ course, I stil hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve, and in the morning, you
know, you know what? Our dad had put in this little horse he’d carved his very own self
. . .AH, said Death. AND THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE EXPENSIVE
TOY HORSES IN THE WORLD,EH
Albert gave him a beady look. ‘No!’ he said. ‘It weren’t. Al I could think of was it
wasnt the big horse in the window.
Death looked shocked
BUT HOW MUCH BETTER TO HAVE A TOY CARVED WITH–
‘No. Only grown-ups think like that,’ sai
Albert. ‘You’re a selfish little bugger when you’re seven. Anyway, Dad got ratted after
lunch and trod on it.
LUNCH
‘Al right, mebbe we had a bit of pork chipping tor the bread . . .
EVEN SO, THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH–
Albert sighed. ‘If you like, master. If you like.
Death looked perturbed
BUT SUPPOSING THE HOGFATHER HAD BROUGHT YOU THE WONDERFUL
HORSE–
‘Oh, Dad would’ve flogged it for a couple of bottles,’ said Albert
BUT WE HAVE BEEN INTO HOUSES WHERE THE CHILDREN HAD MANY TOYS
AND BROUGHT THEM EVEN MORE TOYS, AND IN HOUSES LIKE THIS THE
CHILDREN GET PRACTICALLY NOTHING
‘Huh, we’d have given anything to get practical y nothing when I were a lad,’ said Albert
BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IS THAT THE IDEA
‘That’s about the size of it, master. A good god line, that. Don’t give ’em too much
and tel ’em to be happy with it. jam tomorrow, see.
THIS IS WRONG. Death hesitated. I MEAN … IT’S RIGHT to BE HAPPY WITH
WHAT YOU’VE GOT. BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY
ABOUT HAVING. THERE’S NO POINT IN BEING HAPPY ABOUT HAVING
NOTHING
Albert felt a bit out of his depth in this new tide of social philosophy
‘Dunno,’ he said. ‘I suppose people’d sa#
they’ve got the moon and the stars and suchlike.
I’M SURE THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PRODUCE THE PAPERWORK
‘Al I know is, if Dad’d caught us with a big bag of pricey toys wed just have got a
ding round the earhole for nicking ’em.
IT IS … UNFAIR
‘That’s life, master.
BUT I’M NOT
‘I meant this is how it’s supposed to go, master,’ said Albert
NO. YOU MEAN THIS IS HOW IT GOES
Albert leaned against the stove and rol ed himself one of his horrible thin cigarettes.
It was best to let the master work his own way through these things. He got over them
eventual y. It was like that business with the violin. For three days there was nothing
but twangs and broken strings, and then he’d never touched the thing again. That was
the trouble, real y. Everything the master did was a bit like that. When things got into his head you just had to wait until they leaked out again
He’d thought that Hogswatch was al … plum pudding and brandy and ho ho ho and
he didn’t have the kind of mind that could ignore al the other stuff. And so it hurt him
IT IS HOGSWATCH, said Death, AND PEOPLE DIE ON THE STREETS. PEOPLE
FEAST BEHIND LIGHTED WINDOWS AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NO HOMES. IS
THIS FAIR
‘Wel , of course, that’s the big issue—‘ Albert began
THE PEASANT HAD A HANDFUL OF BEANS AND THE KING HAD SO MUCH HE
WOULD NOT EVEN NOTICE THAT WHICH HE GAVE AWAY. IS THIS FAIR
‘Yeah, but if you gave it al to the peasant then in a year or two he’d be just as snooty
as the king—‘ began Albert, jaundiced observer of human nature
NAUGHTY AND NICE? said Death. BUT IT’S EAS
TO BE NICE IF YOU’RE RICH. IS THIS FAIR
Albert wanted to argue. He wanted to say, Real y? In that case, how come so many
of the rich buggers is bastards? And being poor don’t mean being naughty, neither. We
was poor when I were a kid, but we was honest. Wel , more stupid than honest, to tel
the truth. But basical y honest
He didn’t argue, though. The master wasn’t in any mood for it. He always did what
needed to be done
‘You did say we just had to do this so’s people’d believe-‘ he began, and then
stopped and started again. ‘When it comes to fair, master, you yourself-
I AM EVEN-HANDED TO RICH AND POOR ALIKE, snapped Death. BUT THIS
SHOULD NOT BE A SAD TIME. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SEASON TO BE
JOLLY. He wrapped his red robe around him. AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN
OLLY, he added
‘There’s no blade,’ said the oh god. ‘It’s Just a sword hilt.
Susan stepped out of the light and her wrist moved. A sparkling blue line flashed in
the air, for a moment outlining an edge too thin to be seen