‘Couple of chimneys ago we were over that big posh restaurant…
REALLY? I DON’T REMEMBER
‘And it seemed to me you were down there a bit longer than usual, if you don’t mind
me saying so.
REALLY
‘How exactly were they just inverted comma lying around inverted comma?
JUST… LYING AROUND. YOU KNOW. RECUMBENT
‘In a kitchen?
THERE WAS A CERTAIN CULINARINESS ABOUT THE PLACE, I RECALL
Albert pointed a trembling finger
‘You nicked someone’s Hogswatch dinner, master!
IT’S GOING TO BE EATEN, said Death defensively. ANYWAY, YOU THOUGHT IT
WAS A GOOD IDEA WHEN I SHOWED THAT KING THE DOOR
‘Yeah, wel , that was a bit different,’ said Albert, lowering his voice. ‘But, I mean, the
Hogfather doesn’t drop down the chimney and pinch people’s grub!
THE BEGGARS WILL ENJOY IT, ALBERT
‘Wel , yes, but-
IT WASN’T STEALING. IT WAS JUST… REDISTRIBUTION. IT WILL BE A GOOD
DEED IN A NAUGHTY WORLD
‘No, it won’t!
THEN IT WILL BE A NAUGHTY DEED IN A NAUGHTY WORLD AND WILL PASS
COMPLETELY UNNOTICED
‘Yeah, but you might at least have thought about the people whose grub you
pinched.
THEY HAVE BEEN PROVIDED FOR, OF COURSE. I AM NOT COMPLETELY
HEARTLESS. IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE. AND NOW – ONWARDS AND
UPWARDS
‘We’re heading down, master.
ONWARDS AND DOWNWARDS, THEN
There were… swirls. Binky gal oped easily through them, except that he did not seem
to move. He might have been hanging in the air
‘Oh, me,’ said the oh god weakly
‘What?’ said Susan
‘Try shutting your eyes–
Susan shut her eyes. Then she reached up to touch her face
‘I’m stil seeing.
‘I thought it was just me. It’s usual y just me.’ The swirls vanished
There was greenery below
And that was odd. It was greenery. Susan had flown a few times over countryside,
even swamps and jungles, and there had never been a green as green as this. If green
could be a primary colour, this was it
And that wiggly thin
‘That’s not a river!’ she said
‘Isn’t it?
‘It’s blue!
The oh god risked a look down
‘Water’s blue,’ he said
‘Of course it’s not!
‘Grass is green, water’s blue… I can remember that. It’s some of the stuff I just know.
‘Wel , in a way…’ Susan hesitated. Everyone knew grass was green and water was
blue. Quit
often it wasn’t true, but everyone knew it in the same way they knew the sky was
blue, too
She made the mistake of looking up as she thought that
There was the sky. It was, indeed, blue. And down there was the land. It was green
And in between was nothing. Not white space. Not black night. Just… nothing, al
round the edges of the world. Where the brain said there should be, wel , sky and land,
meeting neatly at the horizon, there was simply a void that sucked at the eyebal like a
loose tooth
And there was the sun
It was under the sky, floating above the land
And it was yel ow
Buttercup yel ow
Binky landed on the grass beside the river. Or at least on the green. It felt more like
sponge, or moss. He nuzzled it
Susan slid off, trying to keep her gaze low. That meant she was looking at the vivid
blue of the water
There were orange fish in it. They didn’t look quite right, as if they’d been created by
someone who real y did think a fish was two curved lines and a dot and a triangular
tail. They reminded her of the skeletal fish in Death’s quiet pool. Fish that were…
appropriate to their surroundings. And she could see them, even though the water was
just a block of colour which part of her insisted ought to be opaque..
She knelt down and dipped her hand in. It fel
like water, but what poured through her fingers was liquid blue
And now she knew where she was. The last piece clicked into place and the
knowledge bloomed inside her. She knew if she saw a house just how its windows
would be placed, and just how the smoke would come out of the chimney
There would almost certainly be apples on the trees. And they would be red,
because everyone knew that apples were red. And the sun was yel ow. And the sky
was blue. And the grass was green
But there was another world, cal ed the real world by the people who believed in it,
where the sky could be anything from off-white to sunset red to thunderstorm yel ow.
And the trees would be anything from bare branches, mere scribbles against the sky,
to red flames before the frost. And the sun was white or yel ow or orange. And water was brown and grey and green..
The colours here were springtime colours, and not the springtime of the world. They
were the colours of the springtime of the eye
‘This is a child’s painting,’ she said
The oh god slumped onto the green
‘Every time I look at the gap my eyes water,’ he mumbled. ‘I feel awful.
‘I said this is a child’s painting,’ said Susan
‘Oh, me… I think the wizards’ potion is wearing off…
‘I’ve seen dozens of pictures of it,’ said Susan
ignoring him. ‘You put the sky overhead because the sky’s above you and when you
are a couple of feet high there’s not a lot of sideways to the sky in any case. And
everyone tel s you grass is green and water is blue. This is the landscape you paint.
Twyla paints like that. I painted like that. Grandfather saved some of-
She stopped
‘Al children do it, anyway,’ she muttered. ‘Come on, let’s find the house.
‘What house?’ the oh god moaned. ‘And can you speak quieter, please?
‘There’l be a house,’ said Susan, standing up. ‘There’s always a house. With four
windows. And the smoke coming out of the chimney al curly like a spring. Look, this is
a place like gr— Death’s country. It’s not real y geography.
The oh god walked over to the nearest tree and banged his head on it as if he hoped
it was going to hurt
‘Feels like geo’fy,’ he muttered
‘But have you ever seen a tree like that? A big green blob on a brown stick? It looks
like a lol ipop!’ said Susan, pul ing him along
‘Dunno. Firs’ time I ever saw a tree. Arrgh. Somethin’ dropped on m’head.’ He
blinked owlishly at the ground. ‘ ‘s red.
‘It’s an apple,’ she said. She sighed. ‘Everyone knows apples are red.
There were no bushes. But there were flowers, each with a couple of green leaves.
They grew individual y, dotted around the rol ing green
And then they were out of the trees and there, by a bend in the river, was the house
It didn’t look very big. There were four windows and a door. Corkscrew smoke curled
out of the chimney
‘You know, it’s a funny thing,’ said Susan, staring at it. ‘Twyla draws houses like that.
And she practical y lives in a mansion. I drew houses like that. And I was born in a
palace. Why?
‘P’raps it’s al this house,’ muttered the oh. god miserably
‘What? You real y think so? Kids’ paintings are al of this place? It’s in our heads?
‘Don’t ask me, I was just making conversation,’ said the oh god
Susan hesitated. The words What Now? loomed. Should she just go and knock
And she realized that was normal thinking..
In the glittering, clattering, chattering atmosphere a head waiter was having a difficult
time. There were a lot of people in, and the staff should have been ful y stretched,
putting bicarbonate of soda in the white wine to make very expensive bubbles and
cutting the vegetables very smal to make them cost more
Instead they were standing in a dejected group in the kitchen
‘Where did it al go?’ screamed the manager. ‘Someone’s been through the cel ar,
too!
‘Wil iam said he felt a cold wind,’ said th
waiter. He’d been backed up against a hot plate, and now knew why it was cal ed a
hot plate in a way he hadn’t ful y comprehended before
‘I’l give him a cold wind! Haven’t we got anything?
‘There’s odds and ends.
‘You don’t mean odds and ends, you mean des curieux et des bouts,’ corrected the
manager
‘Yeah, right, yeah. And, er, and, er .
‘There’s nothing else?
‘Er… old boots. Muddy old boots.
‘Old-?
‘Boots. Lots of ’em,’ said the waiter. He felt he was beginning to singe
‘How come we’ve got… vintage footwear?
‘Dunno. They just turned up, sir. The oven, s ful of old boots. So’s the pantry.
‘There’s a hundred people booked in! Al the shops’l be shut! Where’s Chef?
‘Wil iam’s trying to get him to come out of the privy, sir. He’s locked himself in and is