Bilious looked down at his stained and wretched toga
‘I suppose it is…’ he mumbled
‘You’re not very good at it.
‘You don’t have to tel me.
‘You’re more cut out to be one of the important gods,’ said Violet, admiringly. ‘I can
just see you as lo or Fate or one of those.
Bilious stared at her with his mouth open
‘I could tel at once you weren’t right,’ she went on. ‘Not for some horrible little god.
You could even be Offier with calves like yours.
‘Could I? I mean… oh, yes. Sometimes. Of course, I have to wear fangs-
And then someone was holding a sword to his throat
‘What’s this?’ said Chickenwire. ‘Lover’s Lane?
‘You leave him alone, you!’ shouted Violet. ‘He’s a god! You’l be real y sorry!
Bilious swal owed, but very gently. It was a sharp sword
‘A god, eh?’ said Chickenwire. ‘What of?
Bilious tried to swal ow again
‘Oh, bit o’ this, bit o’ that,’ he mumbled
‘Cor,’ said Chickenwire. ‘Wel , I’m impressed. I can see I’m going to have to be dead
careful here, eh? Don’t want you smiting me with thunderbolts, do I? Puts a crimp in
the day, that sort of thing——
Bilious didn’t dare move his head. But out of the corner of his eye he was sure he
could see shadows moving very fast across the wal s
‘Dear me, out of thunderbolts, are we?’ Chickenwire sneered. ‘Wel , y’know, I’ve
never—
There was a creak
Chickenwire’s face was a few inches from Bilious. The oh god saw his expression
change
The man’s eyes rol ed. His lips said nur…
Bilious risked stepping back. Chickenwire’s sword didn’t move. He stood there,
trembling slightly, like a man who wants to turn round to see what’s behind him but
doesn’t dare to in case he does
As far as Bilious was concerned, it had just been a creak
He looked up at the thing on the landing above
‘Who put that there?’ said Violet
It was just a wardrobe. Dark oak, a bit of fancy woodwork glued on in an effort to
disguise the undisguisable fact that it was just an upright box. It was a wardrobe
‘You didn’t, you know, try to cast a thunderbolt and go on a few letters too many?’
she went on
‘Huh?’ said Bilious, looking from the stricken man to the wardrobe. It was so ordinary
it wa
. odd
‘I mean, thunderbolts begin with T and wardrobes…
Violet’s lips moved silently. Part of Bilious thought: I’m attracted to a girl who actual y
has to shut down al other brain functions in order to think about the order of the letters
of the alphabet. On the other hand, she’s attracted to someone who’s wearing a toga
that looks as though a family of weasels have had a party in it, so maybe I’l stop this
thought right here
But the major part of his brain thought: why’s this man making little bubbling noises?
It’s just a wardrobe, for my sake”
‘No, no,’ mumbled Chickenwire. ‘I don’t wanna!
The sword clanged on the floor
He took a step backwards up the stairs, but very slowly, as if he was doing it despite
every effort his muscles could muster
‘Don’t want to what?’ said Violet
Chickenwire spun round. Bilious had never seen that happen before. People turned
round quickly, yes, but Chickenwire just revolved as if some giant hand had been
placed on his head and twisted a hundred and eighty degrees
‘No. No. No,’ Chickenwire whined. ‘No.
He tottered up the steps
‘You got to help me,’ he whispered
‘What’s the matter?’ said Bilious. ‘It’s just a wardrobe, isn’t it? It’s for putting al your
old clothes in so that there’s no room for your new clothes.
The doors of the wardrobe swung open
Chickenwire managed to thrust out his arm
and grab the sides and, for a moment, he stood quite stil
Then he was pul ed into the wardrobe in one sudden movement and the doors
slammed shut
The little brass key turned in the lock with a click
‘We ought to get him out,’ said the oh god, running up the steps
‘Why?’ Violet demanded. ‘They are not very nice people! I know that one. When he
brought me food he made… suggestive comments.
‘Yes, but…’ Bilious hadn’t ever seen a face like that, outside of a mirror. Chickenwire had looked very, very sick
He turned the key and opened the doors
‘Oh dear…
‘I don’t want to see! I don’t want to see!’ said Violet, looking over his shoulder
Bilious reached down and picked up a pair of boots that stood neatly in the middle of
the wardrobe’s floor
Then he put them back careful y and walked around the wardrobe. It was plywood.
The words ‘Dratley and Sons, Phedre Road, Ankh-Morpork’ were stamped in one
corner in faded ink
‘Is it magic?’ said Violet nervously
‘I don’t know if something magic has the maker’s name on it,’ said Bilious
‘There are magic wardrobes,’ said Violet nervously. ‘If you go into them, you come
out in a magic land.
Bilious looked at the boots again
‘Um… yes,’ he said
I THINK I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING, said Death. ‘Yes, I think you should,’ said
Ridcul y. ‘I’ve got little devils running round the place eating socks and pencils, earlier
tonight we sobered up someone who thinks he’s a God of Hangovers and half my
wizards are trying to cheer up the Cheerful Fairy. We thought something must’ve
happened to the Hogfather. We were right, right?
‘ Hex was right, Archchancel or,’ Ponder corrected him
HEX? WHAT IS HEX
‘Er… Hex thinks – that is, calculates – that there’s been a big change in the nature of
belief today,’ said Ponder. He felt, he did not know why, that Death was probably not in
favour of unliving things that thought
MR HEX WAS REMARKABLY ASTUTE. THE HOGFATHER HAS BEEN… Death
paused. THERE IS NO SENSIBLE HUMAN WORD. DEAD, IN A WAY, BUT NOT
EXACTLY… A GOD CANNOT BE KILLED. NEVER COMPLETELY KILLED. HE HAS
BEEN, SHALL WE SAY, SEVERELY REDUCED
‘Ye gods!’ said Ridcul y. ‘Who’d want to kil off the old boy?
HE HAS ENEMIES
‘What did he do? Miss a chimney?
EVERY LIVING THING HAS ENEMIES
‘What, everything?
YES. EVERYTHING. POWERFUL ENEMIES. BUT THEY HAVE CONE TOO FAR
THIS TIME. NOW THEY ARE USING PEOPLE
‘Who are?
THOSE WHO THINK THE UNIVERSE SHOULD BE A LOT OF ROCKS MOVING IN
CURVES. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE AUDITORS
‘I suppose the Bursar may have done-
NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY. AUDITORS OF REALITY. THEY THINK OF LIFE AS
A STAIN ON THE UNIVERSE. A PESTILENCE. MESSY. GETTING IN THE WAY
‘In the way of what?
THE EFFICIENT RUNNING OF THE UNIVERSE
‘I thought it was run for us… Wel , for the Professor of Applied Anthropics, actual y,
but we’re al owed to tag along,’ said Ridcul y. He scratched his chin. ‘And I could
certainly run a marvel ous university here if only we didn’t have to have these damn students underfoot al the time.
QUITE SO
‘They want to get rid of us?
THEY WANT YOU TO BE… LESS… DAMN, I’VE FORGOTTEN THE WORD.
UNTRUTHFUL? THE HOGFATHER IS A SYMBOL OF THIS… Death snapped his
fingers, causing echoes to bounce off the wal s, and added, WISTFUL LYING
‘Untruthful?’ said Ridcul y. ‘ Me? I’m as honest as the day is long! Yes, what is it this time?
Ponder had tugged at his robe and now he whispered something in his ear. Ridcul y
cleared his throat
‘I am reminded that this is in fact the shortest day of the year,’ he said. ‘However, this
does not undermine the point that I just made, although I thank my col eague for his
invaluable support and constant readiness to correct minor if not downright trivial
errors. I am a remarkably truthful man, sir. Things said at University council meetings
don’t count.
I MEAN HUMANITY IN GENERAL. ER… THE ACT OF TELLING THE UNIVERSE IT
IS OTHER THAN IT is
‘You’ve got me there,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Anyway, why’re you doing the job?
SOMEONE MUST. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT. THEY MUST BE SEEN, AND
BELIEVED. BEFORE DAWN, THERE MUST BE ENOUGH BELIEF IN THE
HOGFATHER
‘Why?’ said Ridcul y
SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP
The two wizards gawped at him
I SELDOM JOKE, said Death
At which point there was a scream of horror
‘That sounded like the Bursar,’ said Ridcul y. ‘And he’s been doing so wel up to now.
The reason for the Bursar’s scream lay on the floor of his bedroom
It was a man. He was dead. No one alive had that kind of expression
Some of the other wizards had got there first. Ridcul y pushed his way through the
crowd
‘Ye gods,’ he said. ‘What a face! He looks as though he died of fright! What