while hopping from one foot to the other. ‘I’l just go and, er… go… just…
He fled into the dressing room and slamme
the door behind him. His wild eyes scanned the shelves and hangers
‘Clean robe,’ he mumbled. ‘Comb face, wash socks, fresh hair, where’s that
Insteadofshave lotion—
From the other side of the door came the adorable sound of the Cheerful Fairy
blowing her nose. From this side came the sound of the Senior Wrangler’s muffled
scream as, made careless by haste and a very poor sense of smel , he mistakenly
splashed his face with the turpentine he used for treating his feet
Somewhere overhead a very smal plump child with a bow and arrow and ridiculously
unaerodynamic wings buzzed ineffectual y against a shut window on which the frost
was tracing the outline of a rather handsome Auriental lady. The other window already
had an icy picture of a vase of sunflowers
In the Great Hal one of the tables had already col apsed. It was one of the customs
of the Feast that although there were many courses each wizard went at his own
speed, a tradition instituted to prevent the slow ones holding everyone else up. And
they could also have seconds if they wished, so that if a wizard was particularly
attracted to soup he could go round and round for an hour before starting on the
preliminary stages of the fish courses
‘How’re you feeling now, old chap?’ said th
Dean, who was sitting next to the Bursar. ‘Back on the dried frog pil s?
‘I, er, I, er, no, Im not too bad,’ said the Bursar. ‘It was, of course, rather a, rather a
shock when-
‘That’s a shame, because here’s your Hogswatch present,’ said the Dean, passing
over a smal box. It rattled. ‘You can open it now if you like.
‘Oh, wel , how nice—
‘It’s from me,’ said the Dean
‘What a lovely–
‘I bought it with my own money, you know,’ said the Dean, waving a turkey leg airily
‘The wrapping paper is a very nice—
‘More than a dol ar, I might add.
‘My goodness-
The Bursar pul ed off the last of the wrapping paper
‘It’s a box for keeping dried frog pil s in. See? It’s got “Dried Frog Pil s” on it, see?
The Bursar shook it. ‘Oh, how nice,’ he said weakly. ‘It’s got some pil s in it already.
How thoughtful. They wil come in handy.
‘Yes,’ said the Dean. ‘I took them off your dressing table. After al , I was down a
dol ar as it was.
The Bursar nodded grateful y and put the little box neatly beside his plate. They’d
actual y al owed him knives this evening. They’d actual y al owed him to eat other
things than those things that could only be scraped up with a wooden spoon
He eyed the nearest roast pig with nervou
anticipation, and tucked his napkin firmly under his chin
‘Er, excuse me, Mr Stibbons,’ he quavered. ‘Would you be so good as to pass me the
apple sauce tankard-
There was a sound like coarse fabric ripping, somewhere in the air in front of the
Bursar, and a crash as something landed on top of the roast pig. Roast potatoes and
gravy fil ed the air. The apple that had been in the pig’s mouth was violently expel ed
and hit the Bursar on the forehead
He blinked, looked down, and found he was about to plunge his fork into a human
head
‘Ahaha,’ he murmured, as his eyes started to glaze
The wizards heaved aside the overturned dishes and smashed crockery
‘He just fel out of the air!
‘Is he an Assassin? Not one of their student pranks, is it?
‘Why’s he holding a sword without a sharp bit?
‘Is he dead?
‘I think so!
‘I didn’t even have any of that salmon mousse! Wil you look at it? His foot’s in it! It’s
al over the place! Do you want yours?
Ponder Stibbons fought his way through the throng. He knew his more senior fel ows
when they were feeling helpful. They were like a glass of water to a drowning man
‘Give him air!’ he protested
‘How do we know if he needs any?’ said the Dean
Ponder put his ear to the fal en youth’s chest
‘He’s not breathing!
‘Breathing spel , breathing spel ,’ muttered the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Er…
SpoIt’s Forthright Respirator, perhaps? I think I’ve got it written down somewhere-
Ridcul y reached through the wizards and pul ed out the black-clad man by a leg. He
held him upside down in his big hand and thumped him heavily on the back
He met their astonished gaze. ‘Used to do this on the farm,’ he said. ‘Works a treat on baby goats.
‘Oh, now, real y,’ said the Dean, ‘I don’t-
The corpse made a noise somewhere between a choke and a cough
‘Make some space, you fel ows!’ the Archchancel or bel owed, clearing an area of
table with one sweep of his spare arm
‘Hey, I hadn’t had any of that Prawn Escoffe!’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes
‘I didn’t even know we had any,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Someone, and I
name no names, Dean, shoved it behind the soft-shel ed crabs so they could keep it
for themselves. I cal that cheap.
Teatime opened his eyes. It said a lot for his constitution that it survived a very close-
up view of Ridcul y’s nose, which fil ed the immediate universe like a big pink planet
‘Excuse me, excuse me,’ said Ponder, leaning over with his notebook open, ‘but this
is vital y important for the advancement of natural philosophy. Did you see any bright
lights? Was there a shining tunnel? Did any deceased relatives attempt to speak to
you? What word most describes the-
Ridcul y pul ed him away
‘What’s al this, Mr Stibbons?
‘I real y should talk to him, sir. He’s had a near-death experience!
‘We al have. It’s cal ed “living”,’ said the Archchancel or shortly. ‘Pour the poor lad a
glass of spirits and put that damn pencil away
‘Uh… This must be Unseen University?’ said Teatime. ‘And you are al wizards?
‘Now, just you lie stil ,’ said Ridcul y. But Teatime had already risen on his elbows
‘There was a sword,’ he muttered
‘Oh, it’s fal en on the floor,’ said the Dean, reaching down. ‘But it looks as though it’s-
Did I do that?
The wizards looked at the large curved slice of table fal ing away. Something had cut
through everything wood, cloth, plates, cutlery, food. The Dean swore that a candle
flame that had been in the path of the unseen blade was only half a flame for a
moment, until the wick realized that this was no way to behave
The Dean raised his hand. The other wizards scattered
‘Looks like a thin blue line in the air,’ he said, wonderingly
‘Excuse me, sir,’ said Teatime, taking it from him. ‘I real y must be off.
He ran from the hal
‘He won’t get far,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘The main doors are locked in
accordance with Archchancel or Spode’s Rules.
‘Won’t get far while holding a sword that appears to be able to cut through anything,’
said Ridcul y, to the sound of fal ing wood
‘I wonder what al that was about?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, and then
turned his attention to the remains of the Feast. ‘Anyway, at least this joint’s been
nicely carve
‘Bu-bu-bu—
They al turned. The Bursar was holding his hand in front of him. The cut surface of a
fork gleamed at the wizards
‘Nice to know his new present wil come in handy,’ said the Dean. ‘It’s the thought
that counts.
Under the table the Blue Hen of Happiness relieved itself on the Bursar’s foot
THERE ARE… ENEMIES, said Death, as Binky gal oped through icy mountains
‘They’re al dead-
OTHER ENEMIES. YOU MAY AS WELL KNOW THIS. DOWN IN THE DEEPEST
KINGDOMS OF THE SEA, WHERE THERE IS NO LIGHT, THERE LIVES A TYPE OF
CREATURE WITH NO BRAIN AND NO EYES AND NO MOUTH. IT DOES NOTHING
BUT LIVE AND PUT FORTH PETALS OF PERFECT CRIMSON WHERE NONE ARE
THERE TO SEE. IT IS NOTHING EXCEPT A TINY YES IN THE NIGHT. AND YET…
AND YET… IT HAS ENEMIES THAT BEAR ON IT A VICIOUS, UNBENDING MALICE,
WHO WISH NOT ONLY FOR ITS TINY LIFE TO BE OVER BUT ALSO THAT IT HAD
NEVER EXISTED. ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR
‘Wel , yes, but-
GOOD. NOW, IMAGINE WHAT THEY THINK OF HUMANITY
Susan was shocked. She had never heard her grandfather speak in anything other
than calm tones. Now there was a cutting edge in his words
‘What are they?’ she said
WE MUST HURRY. THERE IS NOT MUCH TIME