He pointed the sword at Susan
‘I said cal them.
Susan glanced hopeful y at her grandfather. He nodded. For a moment she thought
she saw the glow in one eye socket flicker off and on, Death’s equivalent of a wink.
He’s got a plan. He can stop time. He can do anything. He’s got a plan
‘Gawain? Twyla?
The muffled noises stopped in the next room. There was a padding of feet and two
solemn faces appeared round the door
‘Ah, come in, come in, curly-haired tots,’ said Teatime genial y
Gawain gave him a steely stare
His next mistake, thought Susan. If he’d cal ed them little bastards he’d have them
bang on his side. But they know when you’re sending them up
‘I’ve caught this bogeyman,’ said Teatime. ‘What shal we do with him, eh?
The two faces turned to Death. Twyla put her thumb in her mouth
‘It’s only a skeleton,’ said Gawain critical y
Susan opened her mouth, and the sword swung towards her. She shut it again
‘Yes, a nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton,’ said Teatime. ‘Scary, eh?
There was a very faint ‘pop’ as Twyla took her thumb out of her mouth
‘He’s eating a bittit,’ she said
‘Biscuit,’ Susan corrected automatical y. She started to swing the kettle in an absent-
minded way
‘A creepy bony man in a black robe!’ said Teatime, aware that things weren’t going in
quite the right direction
He spun round to face Susan. ‘You’re fidgeting with that kettle,’ he said. ‘So I expect
you’re thinking of doing something creative. Put it down, please. Slowly.
Susan knelt down gently and put the kettle on the hearth
‘Huh, that’s not very creepy, it’s just bones,’ said Gawain dismissively. ‘And anyway
Wil ie the groom down at the stables has promised me a real horse skul . And anyway
I’m going to make a hat out of it like General Tacticus had when he wanted to frighten
people. And anyway it’s just standing there. It’s not even making woo-woo noises. And
anyway you’re creepy. Your eye’s weird.
‘Real y? Then let’s see how creepy I can be,’ said Teatime. Blue fire crackled along
the sword as he raised it
Susan closed her hand over the poker
Teatime saw her start to turn. He stepped behind Death, sword raised..
Susan threw the poker overarm. It made a ripping noise as it shot through the air,
and trailed sparks
It hit Death’s robe and vanished
He blinked
Teatime smiled at Susan
He turned and peered dreamily at the sword in his hand
It fel out of his fingers
Death turned and caught it by the handle as it tumbled, and turned its fal into an
upward curve
Teatime looked down at the poker in his chest as he folded up
‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘It couldn’t have gon
through you. There are so many ribs and things!
There was another ‘pop’ as Twyla extracted her thumb and said, ‘It only kil s
monsters.
‘Stop time now,’ commanded Susan
Death snapped his fingers. The room took on the greyish purple of stationary time.
The clock paused its ticking
‘You winked at me! I thought you had a plan!
INDEED. OH, YES. I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO
‘Just that?
YOU ARE VERY RESOURCEFUL. AND OF COURSE YOU HAVE HAD AN
EDUCATION
‘ What?
I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH. I THOUGHT THEY
WOULD BE APPROPRIATE
‘And if I hadn’t done anything?
I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. AT THE LAST MINUTE
‘That was the last minute!
THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE
‘The children had to watch that!
EDUCATIONAL. THE WORLD WILL TEACH THEM ABOUT MONSTERS SOON
ENOUGH. LET THEM REMEMBER THERE’s ALWAYS THE POKER
‘But they saw he’s human–
I THINK THEY HAD A VERY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT HE WAS
Death prodded the fal en Teatime with his foot
STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH
The ghost of the Assassin sprang up like a jack-in-thebox, al slightly crazed smiles
‘You got it right!
OF COURSE
Teatime began to fade
I’LL TAKE THE BODY, said Death. THAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT
QUESTIONS
‘What did he do it al for?’ said Susan. ‘I mean, why? Money? Power?
SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE SHEER FASCINATION OF
DOING IT, said Death. OR FO,
FAME. OR BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T
Death picked up the corpse and slung it over his shoulder. There was a sound of
something bouncing on the hearth. He turned, and hesitated
ER… YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME
Susan realized she was shaking
‘Of course. In this room it’s pretty powerful.
YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY DOUBT
Susan hesitated, and then smiled
‘I was quite confident,’ she said
Al . Her grandfather stared at her for a moment and she thought she detected just
the tiniest flicker of uncertainty. OF COURSE. OF COURSE. TELL ME, ARE YOU
LIKELY TO TAKE UP TEACHING ON A LARGER SCALE
‘I hadn’t planned to.
Death turned towards the balcony, and then seemed to remember something else.
He fumbled inside his robe
I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU
She reached out and took a square of damp cardboard. Water dripped off the
bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued
on’Thank you. Er… what is it?
ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE
MELTED, said Death. I-
IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD
‘Oh…
THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD
CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON
‘Ah..
IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE
‘Real y… ?
IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATC.
SPIRIT AT ALL
‘Oh. Er. Good. Granddad?
YES
‘Why? I mean, why did you do al this?
He stood quite stil for a moment, as if he was trying out sentences in his mind
I THINK IT’S SOMETHING TO DO WITH HARVESTS, he said at last. YES. THAT’S
RIGHT. AND BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO INTERESTING THAT THEY HAVE EVEN
INVENTED DULLNESS. QUITE ASTONISHING
‘Oh.
WELL THEN… HAPPY HOGSWATCH
‘Yes. Happy Hogswatch.
Death paused again, at the window
AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN… EVERYWHERE
The raven fluttered down onto a log covered in snow. Its prosthetic red breast had
been torn and fluttered uselessly behind it
‘Not so much as a lift home,’ it muttered. ‘Look at this, wil ya? Snow and frozen
wastes, everywhere. I couldn’t fly another damn inch. I could starve to death here, you
know? Hah! People’re going on about recycling the whole time, but you just try a bit of
practical ecology and they just… don’t… want… to… know. Hah! I bet a robin’d have a
lift home. Oh yes.
SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats sympathetical y, and sniffed
The raven watched the smal hooded figure scrabble at the snow
‘So I’l just freeze to death here, shal l?’ it said gloomily. ‘A pathetic bundle of
feathers with my little feet curled up with the cold. It’s not even as if I’m gonna make
anyone a good meal, and let me tel you it’s a disgrace to die thin in my spec-
It became aware that under the snow was a rather grubbier whiteness. Further
scraping by the rat exposed something that could very possibly have been an ear
The raven stared. ‘It’s a sheep!’ it said
The Death of Rats nodded
‘A whole sheep!’/0
SQUEAK
‘Oh, wow!’ said the raven, hopping forward with its eyes spinning. ‘Hey, it’s barely
cool!
The Death of Rats patted it happily on a wing
SQUEAK-EEK. EEK-SQUEAK..
‘Why, thanks. And the same to you…
Far, far away and a long, long time ago, a shop door opened. The little toymaker
bustled in from the workshop in the rear, and then stopped, with amazing foresight,
dead
24 Which had died in its sleep. Of natural causes. At a great age. After a long and happy life, insofar as a sheep can be happy. And would probably be quite pleased to know that it could help somebody as it passed away…
YOU HAVE A BIG WOODEN ROCKING HORSE IN THE WINDOW, said the new
customer
‘Ah, yes, yes, yes.’ The shopkeeper fiddled nervously with his square-rimmed
spectacles. He hadn’t heard the bel , and this was worrying him. ‘But I’m afraid that’s
just for show, that is a special order for Lord-
NO. I WILL BUY IT
‘No, because, you see—
THERE ARE OTHER TOYS
‘Yes, indeed, but-
THEN I WILL TAKE THE HORSE. HOW MUCH WOULD THIS LORDSHIP HAVE
PAID YOU
‘Er, we’d agreed twelve dol ars but–
I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTY, said the customer
The little shopkeeper stopped in midremonstrate and started up in mid-greed. There
were other toys, he told himself quickly. And this customer, he thought with
considerable prescience, looked like someone who did not take no for an answer and
seldom even bothered t$
ask the question. Lord Selachi would be angry, but Lord Selachi wasn’t here. The