How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Carnegie, Dale

Here are five suggestions that will help you learn to relax:

1. Read one of the best books ever written on this subject: Release from Nervous Tension, by Dr. David Harold Fink.

2. Relax in odd moments. Let your body go limp like an old sock. I keep an old, maroon-coloured sock on my desk as I work-keep it there as a reminder of how limp I ought to be. If you haven’t got a sock, a cat will do. Did you ever pick up a kitten sleeping in the sunshine? If so, both ends sagged like a wet newspaper. Even the yogis in India say that if you want to master the art of relaxation, study the cat. I never saw a tired cat, a cat with a nervous breakdown, or a cat suffering from insomnia, worry, or stomach ulcers. You will probably avoid these disasters if you learn to relax as the cat does.

3. Work, as much as possible, in a comfortable position. Remember that tensions in the body produce aching shoulders and nervous fatigue.

4. Check yourself four or five times a day, and say to yourself: “Am I making my work harder than it actually is? Am I using muscles that have nothing to do with the work I am doing?” This will help you form the habit of relaxing, and as Dr. David Harold Fink says: “Among those who know psychology best, it is habits two to one.”

5. Test yourself again at the end of the day, by asking yourself: “Just how tired am I? If I am tired, it is not because of the mental work I have done but because of the way I have done it.” “I measure my accomplishments,” says Daniel W. Josselyn, “not by how tired I am at the end of the day, but how tired I am not.” He says: “When I feel particularly tired at the end of the day, or when irritability proves that my nerves are tired, I know beyond question that it has been an inefficient day both as to quantity and quality.” If every business man would learn that same lesson, the death rate from “hypertension” diseases would drop overnight. And we would stop filling up our sanatoriums and asylums with men who have been broken by fatigue and worry.

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Chapter 25: How The Housewife Can Avoid Fatigue-and Keep Looking Young

One day last autumn, my associate flew up to Boston to attend a session of one of the most unusual medical classes in the world. Medical? Well, yes, it meets once a week at the Boston Dispensary, and the patients who attend it get regular and thorough medical examinations before they are admitted. But actually this class is a psychological clinic. Although it is officially called the Class in Applied Psychology (formerly the Thought Control Class-a name suggested by the first member), its real purpose is to deal with people who are ill from worry. And many of these patients are emotionally disturbed housewives.

How did such a class for worriers get started? Well, in 1930, Dr. Joseph H. Pratt-who, by the way, had been a pupil of Sir William Osier-observed that many of the outpatients who came to the Boston Dispensary apparently had nothing wrong with them at all physically; yet they had practically all the symptoms that flesh is heir to. One woman’s hands were so crippled with “arthritis” that she had lost all use of them. Another was in agony with all the excruciating symptoms of “cancer of the stomach”. Others had backaches, headaches, were chronically tired, or had vague aches and pains. They actually felt these pains. But the most exhaustive medical examinations showed that nothing whatever was wrong with these women-in the physical sense. Many old-fashioned doctors would have said it was all imagination-“all in the mind”.

But Dr. Pratt realised that it was no use to tell these patients to “go home and forget it”. He knew that most of these women didn’t want to be sick; if it was so easy to forget their ailments, they would do so themselves. So what could be done?

He opened his class-to a chorus of doubts from the medical doubters on the sidelines. And the class worked wonders! In the eighteen years that have passed since it started, thousands of patients have been “cured” by attending it. Some of the patients have been coming for years-as religious in their attendance as though going to church. My assistant talked to a woman who had hardly missed a session in more than nine years. She said that when she first went to the clinic, she was thoroughly convinced she had a floating kidney and some kind of heart ailment. She was so worried and tense that she occasionally lost her eyesight and had spells of blindness. Yet today she is confident and cheerful and in excellent health. She looked only about forty, yet she held one of her grandchildren asleep in her lap. “I used to worry so much about my family troubles,” she said, “that I wished I could die. But I learned at this clinic the futility of worrying. I learned to stop it. And I can honestly say now that my life is serene.”

Dr. Rose Hilferding, the medical adviser of the class, said that she thought one of the best remedies for lightening worry is “talking your troubles over with someone you trust. We call it catharsis,” she said. “When patients come here, they can talk their troubles over at length, until they get them off their minds. Brooding over worries alone, and keeping them to oneself, causes great nervous tension. We all have to share our troubles. We have to share worry. We have to feel there is someone in the world who is willing to listen and able to understand.”

My assistant witnessed the great relief that came to one woman from talking out her worries. She had domestic worries, and when she first began to talk, she was like a wound-up spring. Then gradually, as she kept on talking, she began to calm down. At the end of the interview, she was actually smiling. Had the problem been solved? No, it wasn’t that easy. What caused the change was talking to someone, getting a little advice and a little human sympathy. What had really worked the change was the tremendous healing value that lies in-words!

Psycho-analysis is based, to some extent, on this healing power of words. Ever since the days of Freud, analysts have known that a patient could find relief from his inner anxieties if he could talk, just talk. Why is this so? Maybe because by talking, we gain a little better insight into our troubles, get a better perspective. No one knows the whole answer. But all of us know that “spitting it out” or “getting it off our chests” bring almost instant relief.

So the next time we have an emotional problem, why don’t we look around for someone to talk to? I don’t mean, of course, to go around making pests of ourselves by whining and complaining to everyone in sight. Let’s decide on someone we can trust, and make an appointment. Maybe a relative, a doctor, a lawyer, a minister, or priest. Then say to that person: “I want your advice. I have a problem, and I wish you would listen while I put it in words. You may be able to advise me. You may see angles to this thing that I can’t see myself. But even if you can’t, you will help me tremendously if you will just sit and listen while I talk it out.”

However, if you honestly feel that there is no one you can talk to, then let me tell you about the Save-a-Life League- it has no connection with the Boston Dispensary. The Save-a-Life League is one of the most unusual leagues in the world. It was originally formed to save possible suicides. But as the years went on, it expanded its scope to give spiritual counsel to those who are unhappy and in emotional need. I talked for some time to Miss Lona B. Bonnell, who interviews people who come for advice to the Save-a-Life League. She told me that she would be glad to answer letters from readers of this book. If you write to the Save-a-Life League, 505 Fifth Avenue, New York City, your letter and your troubles will be held in strictest confidence. Frankly, I would advise you to go to someone you can talk to in person if you can, for that will give you greater relief. But if that is out of the question, then why not write to this league?

Talking things out, then, is one of the principle therapies used at the Boston Dispensary Class. But here are some other ideas we picked up at the class-things you, as a housewife, can do in your home.

1. Keep a notebook or scrapbook ‘for “inspirational” reading. Into this book you can paste all the poems, or short prayers, or quotations, which appeal to you personally and give you a lift. Then, when a rainy afternoon sends your spirits plunging down, perhaps you can find a recipe in this book for dispelling the gloom. Many patients at the Dispensary have kept such notebooks for years. They say it is a spiritual “shot in the arm”.

2. Don’t dwell too long on the shortcomings of others! Sure, your husband has faults! If he had been a saint, he never would have married you. Right? One woman at the class who found herself developing into a scolding, nagging, and haggard-faced wife, was brought up short with the question: “What would you do if your husband died?” She was so shocked by the idea that she immediately sat down and drew up a list of all her husband’s good points. She made quite a list. Why don’t you try the same thing the next time you feel you married a tight-fisted tyrant? Maybe you’ll find, after reading his virtues, that he’s a man you’d like to meet!

3. Get interested in your neighbours! Develop a friendly, healthy interest in the people who share the life on your street. One ailing woman who felt herself so “exclusive” that she hadn’t any friends, was told to try to make up a story about the next person she met. She began, in the street-car, to weave backgrounds and settings for the people she saw. She tried to imagine what their lives had been like. First thing you know, she was talking to people everywhere-and today she is happy, alert, and a charming human being cured of her “pains”.

4. Make up a schedule for tomorrow’s work before you go to bed tonight. The class found that many wives feel driven and harassed by the unending round of housework and things they must do. They never got their work finished. They were chased by the clock. To cure this sense of hurry, and worry, the suggestion was made that they draw up a schedule each night for the following day. What happened? More work accomplished; much less fatigue; a feeling of pride and achievement; and time left over to rest and to “primp”. (Every woman ought to take some time out in the course of the day to primp and look pretty. My own guess is that when a woman knows she looks pretty, she has little use for “nerves”.)

5. Finally-avoid tension and fatigue. Relax! Relax! Nothing will make you look old sooner than tension and fatigue. Nothing will work such havoc with your freshness and looks! My assistant sat for an hour in the Boston Thought Control Class, while Professor Paul E. Johnson, the director, went over many of the principles we have already discussed in the previous chapter-the rules for relaxing. At the end of ten minutes of these relaxing exercises, which my assistant did with the others, she was almost asleep sitting upright in her chair! Why is such stress laid on this physical relaxing? Because the clinic knows-as other doctors know-that if you’re going to get the worry-kinks out of people, they’ve got to relax!

Yes, you, as a housewife, have got to relax! You have one great advantage-you can lie down whenever you want to, and you can lie on the floor! Strangely enough, a good hard floor is better to relax on than an inner-spring bed. It gives more resistance. It is good for the spine.

All right, then, here are some exercises you can do in your home. Try them for a week-and see what you do for your looks and disposition!

a. Lie flat on the floor whenever you feel tired. Stretch as tall as you can. Roll around if you want to. Do it twice a day.

6. Close your eyes. You might try saying, as Professor Johnson recommended, something like this: ‘ ‘The sun is shining overhead. The sky is blue and sparkling. Nature is calm and in control of the world-and I, as nature’s child, am in tune with the Universe.” Or-better still-pray!

c. If you cannot lie down, because the roast is in the oven and you can’t spare the time, then you can achieve almost the same effect sitting down in a chair. A hard, upright chair is the best for relaxing. Sit upright in the chair like a seated Egyptian statue, and let your hands rest, palms down, on the tops of your thighs.

d. Now, slowly tense the toes-then let them relax. Tense the muscles in your legs-and let them relax. Do this slowly upward, with all the muscles of your body, until you get to the neck. Then let your head roll around heavily, as though it were a football. Keep saying to your muscles (as in the previous chapter): “Let go … let go …”

e. Quiet your nerves with slow, steady breathing. Breathe from deep down. The yogis of India were right: rhythmical breathing is one of the best methods ever discovered for soothing the nerves.

f. Think of the wrinkles and frowns in your face, and smooth them all out. Loosen up the worry-creases you feel between your brows, and at the sides of your mouth. Do this twice a day, and maybe you won’t have to go to a beauty parlour to get a massage. Maybe the lines will disappear from the inside out!

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Chapter 26: Four Good Working Habits That Will Help Prevent Fatigue And Worry

Good Working Habit No. 1: Clear Your Desk of All Papers Except Those Relating to the Immediate Problem at Hand.

Roland L. Williams, President of Chicago and North-western Railway, says: “A person with his desk piled high with papers on various matters will find his work much easier and more accurate if he clears that desk of all but the immediate problem on hand. I call this good housekeeping, and it is the number-one step towards efficiency.”

If you visit the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., you will find five words painted on the ceiling-five words written by the poet Pope:

“Order is Heaven’s first law.”

Order ought to be the first law of business, too. But is it? No, the average business man’s desk is cluttered up with papers that he hasn’t looked at for weeks. In fact, the publisher of a New Orleans newspaper once told me that his secretary cleared up one of his desks and found a typewriter that had been missing for two years!

The mere sight of a desk littered with unanswered mail and reports and memos is enough to breed confusion, tension, and worries. It is much worse than that. The constant reminder of “a million things to do and no time to do them” can worry you not only into tension and fatigue, but it can also worry you into high blood pressure, heart trouble, and stomach ulcers.

Dr. John H. Stokes, professor, Graduate School of Medicine, University of Pennsylvania, read a paper before the National Convention of the American Medical Association-a paper entitled “Functional Neuroses as Complications of Organic Disease”. In that paper, Dr. Stokes listed eleven conditions under the title: “What to Look for in the Patient’s State of Mind”. Here is the first item on that list:

“The sense of must or obligation; the unending stretch of things ahead that simply have to be done.”

But how can such an elementary procedure as clearing your desk and making decisions help you avoid this high pressure, this sense of must, this sense of an “unending stretch of things ahead that simply have to be done”? Dr. William L. Sadler, the famous psychiatrist, tells of a patient who, by using this simple device, avoided a nervous breakdown. The man was an executive in a big Chicago firm. When he came to Dr. Sadler’s office, he was tense, nervous, worried. He knew he was heading for a tailspin, but he couldn’t quit work. He had to have help.

“While this man was telling me his story,” Dr. Sadler says, “my telephone rang. It was the hospital calling; and, instead of deferring the matter, I took time right then to come to a decision. I always settle questions, if possible, right on the spot. I had no sooner hung up than the phone rang again. Again an urgent matter, which I took time to discuss. The third interruption came when a colleague of mine came to my office for advice on a patient who was critically ill. When I had finished with him, I turned to my caller and began to apologise for keeping him waiting. But he had brightened up. He had a completely different look on his face.”

“Don’t apologise, doctor!” this man said to Sadler. “In the last ten minutes, I think I’ve got a hunch as to what is wrong with me. I’m going back to my offices and revise my working habits …. But before I go, do you mind if I take a look in your desk?”

Dr. Sadler opened up the drawers of his desk. All empty- except for supplies. “Tell me,” said the patient, “where do you keep your unfinished business?”

“Finished!” said Sadler.

“And where do you keep your unanswered mail?”

“Answered!” Sadler told him. “My rule is never to lay down a letter until I have answered it. I dictate the reply to my secretary at once.”

Six weeks later, this same executive invited Dr. Sadler to come to his office. He was changed-and so was his desk. He opened the desk drawers to show there was no unfinished business inside of the desk. “Six weeks ago,” this executive said, “I had three different desks in two different offices-and was snowed under by my work. I was never finished. After talking to you, I came back here and cleared out a wagon-load of reports and old papers. Now I work at one desk, settle things as they come up, and don’t have a mountain of unfinished business nagging at me and making me tense and worried. But the most astonishing thing is I’ve recovered completely. There is nothing wrong any more with my health!”

Charles Evans Hughes, former Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, said: “Men do not die from overwork. They die from dissipation and worry.” Yes, from dissipation of their energies-and worry because they never seem to get their work done.

Good Working Habit No. 2: Do Things in the Order of Their Importance.

Henry L. Dougherty, founder of the nation-wide Cities Service Company, said that regardless of how much salary he paid, there were two abilities he found it almost impossible to find.

Those two priceless abilities are: first, the ability to think. Second, the ability to do things in the order of their importance.

Charles Luckman, the lad who started from scratch and climbed in twelve years to president of the Pepsodent Company, got a salary of a hundred thousand dollars a year, and made a million dollars besides-that lad declares that he owes much of his success to developing the two abilities that Henry L. Dougherty said he found almost impossible to find. Charles Luckman said: “As far back as I can remember, I have got up at five o’clock in the morning because I can think better then than any other time-I can think better then and plan my day, plan to do things in the order of their importance.” Franklin Bettger, one of America’s most successful insurance salesmen, doesn’t wait until five o’clock in the morning to plan his day. He plans it the night before-sets a goal for himself- a goal to sell a certain amount of insurance that day. If he fails, that amount is added to the next day-and so on.

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