Salomon said, “Eunice, any time you get fed up with this vile-tempered old wreck you can work for me, at the same salary or higher.”
“Eunice, your salary just doubled!”
“Thank you, Boss,” she said promptly. “I’ve recorded it. And the time.” I’ll notify Accounting.”
Smith cackled. “See why I keep her? Don’t try to outbid me, you old goat, you don’t have enough chips.”
“Senile,” Salomon growled. “Speaking of money, whom do you want to put into Parkinson’s slot?”
“No rush, he was a blank file. Do you have a candidate, Jake?”
“No. Although after this last little charade it occurs to me that Eunice might be a good bet.”
Eunice looked startled, then dropped all expression. Smith looked thoughtful. “It had not occurred to me. But it might be a perfect solution. Eunice, would you be willing to be a director of the senior corporation?”
Eunice flipped her machine to “NOT RECORDING.”
“You’re both making fun of me! Stop it.”
“My dear,” Smith said gently, “you know I don’t joke about money. As for Jake, it is the only subject sacred to him—he sold his daughter and his grandmother down to Rio.”
“Not my daughter,” Salomon objected. “Just Grandmother…and the old girl didn’t fetch much. But it gave us a spare bedroom.”
“But, Boss, I don’t know anything about running a business!”
“You wouldn’t have to. Directors don’t manage, they set policy. But you do know more about running it than most of our directors; you’ve been on the inside for years. Plus almost inside during the time you were my secretary’s secretary before Mrs. Bierman retired. But here are advantages I see in what may have been a playful suggestion on Jake’s part. You are already an officer of the corporation as Special Assistant Secretary assigned to record for the board—and I made you that, you’ll both remember, to shut up Parkinson when he bellyached about my secretary being present during an executive session. You’ll go on being that—and my personal secretary, too; can’t spare you—while becoming a director. No conflict, you’ll simply vote as well as recording. Now we come to the key question: Are you willing to vote the way Jake votes?”
She looked solemn. “You wish me’ to, sir?”
“Or the way I do if I’m present, which comes to the same thing. Think back and you’ll see that Jake and I have always voted the same way on basic policy—settling it ahead of time—while wrangling and voting against each other on things that don’t matter. Read the old minutes, you’ll spot it.”
“I noticed it long ago,” she said simply, “but didn’t think it was my place to comment.”
“Jake, she’s our new director. One more point, my dear: If it turns out that we need your spot, will you resign? You won’t lose by it.”
“Of course, sir. I don’t have to be paid to agree to that.”
“You still won’t lose by it. I feel better. Eunice, I’ve had to turn management over to Teal; I’ll be turning policy over to Jake—you know the shape I’m in. I want lake to have as many sure votes backing him as possible. Oh we can always fire directors. . . but it is best not to have to do so, a fact von Bitter rubbed my nose in. Okay, you’re a director. We’ll formalize it at that stockholders’ meeting. Welcome to the ranks of the Establishment. Instead of a wage slave, you have sold out and are now a counterrevolutionary, warmongering, rat-fink, fascist dog. How does it feel?”
“Not ‘dog,” Eunice objected. “The rest is lovely but ‘dog’ is the wrong sex; I’m female. A bitch.”
“Eunice, I not only do not use such words with ladies around, you know that I do not care to hear them from ladies.”
“Can a ‘rat-fink fascist’ be a lady? Boss, I learned that word in kindergarten. Nobody minds it today.”
“I learned it out behind the barn and let’s keep it there.”
Salomon growled. “I don’t have time to listen to amateur lexicologists. Is the conference over?”
“What? Not at all! Now comes the top-secret part, the reason I sent the nurse out. So gather ye round.”