(Uh—You know more about a woman than I do—)
(Lots more!) (—so let’s talk about specifics. We’re clean now and I know we’re pretty; I checked us in the big glass and you agreed. But it isn’t the job you used to turn out. I don’t mean body paint, wouldn’t be appropriate now anyhow. But, what does it take? Just that ‘tuning up’? Exercise?)
(‘More than that, Boss—although exercise is essential. You’re talking about a professional job?) (Yes. The works.) (Well, I used to do myself—but I had had lots of practice, plus expert help from Joe. But let’s say you want the best and don’t care what it costs—) (Certainly! What’s money? I can’t get rid of it.) (All right, say you retain Helena Rubinstein, Limited, or some other top glamour shop. Say you phone and tell th~n to send a full team.
They would send an art director—male, but he may not be all that male and he’s seen more female bodies unmade-up than an undertaker—and he doesn’t touch you; he’s too high up. He creates. And bosses. Won’t look at you until several others get you ready. Minimum, bath girl, masseuse, manicurist, pedicurist, coiffeuse, depilatrix, parfumiste, lace and skin team of at least four, costume designer, highlight and accent specialist, and assistants for all of these if you expect the job done in less than all day. If you put a time limit on it, the price goes up—and if you don’t, the price goes up.)
(Say that again?)
(It’s like taxes. Any way you play it the price goes up. Boss, we don’t need them. With what I know and the chassis we have to work with and a good lady’s maid, you can be as glamorous as you like. I don’t know where you would find a creative paint man equal to Joe; nevertheless there are good ones for hire. We can shop the market, we’ll find one.)
(Eunice, 1 had no idea that being a woman was so complicated.)
(Relax, Boss. Being a woman is easier than being a man—and lots more fun. I’m going to teach you to be a twenty-first-century woman—and I’d be pleased if you would teach me how it was to be a twentieth-century man, and we’ll close that silly ‘Generation Gap.’ Understand each other as well as loving each other.)
(Beloved.)
(I think you’re pretty nice, too, you cranky old bastard. With your brain and my body, we make a fine team. We’ll get by.) (I’m sure we will, darling.) (We will. The first thing we need is a good lady’s maid—scarce as whales in Kansas. We’ll probably have to train one. Then lose her as soon as she’s worth anything.) (Eunice, do we need a maid? You used to do yourself.) (I did, and kept house for Joe, and was your secretary and worked any hours you wanted me. But you’re not used to that, Boss. You had a valet.) (Yes, of course. But I was very old and didn’t have time to waste on such things. Eunice, one of the worst parts about getting old is that the days get shorter while the demands on your time increase. I didn’t want a valet; I was forced into it. Didn’t enjoy being dependent on a secretary, either—until you came along.)
(Dear Boss. Joan, we will need a maid. But not a secretary until you’re active in business again—) (Won’t be!) (We’ll see. You may have to be. But may not need a secretary unless you get pushed for time. I can handle it. And thanks for having Betsy brought in; it makes me feel at home to see her again. My stenodesk, I mean. Pet name.)
(‘Betsy,’ huh? I always thought of it as ‘the Octopus.’)
(Why, what a nasty name to apply to a nice, respectable well-behaved machine! Boss, I’m not sure I’m speaking to you. I’m glad Betsy isn’t switched on; if she had heard that her feelings would be hurt.)
(Eunice, don’t be silly. I wonder what’s keeping Jake?)
(Probably cutting his toenails. Lesson number two in. how to be a woman: Men are almost always late but you never, never, never notice it—because they pride: themselves on promptness. Boss, you didn’t quite promise Winnie to stay in this chair—when she gave you strict orders.) (Of course not. Because it might not suit me. And it doesn’t; I want to try the eighty-eight. Eunice, two gets you seven it hasn’t been kept in tune—and I gave Cunningham orders about both pianos, this baby and the concert grand downstairs, not five years ago. So let’s see.)