The great hall resounded like a skull, abuzz with wheeling thoughts, dissimilar and same. The patterns of their music took them, held them, there in its gloved hand, at once fused and confused, and scattered them about the brighter hallways, their laughter like the music for a dream.
The halls and rooms are empty now; the balconies and battlements hang dim, like handholds in the voided dark. In the darkness, in the face of memory, the castle seems now inhuman. Blocked windows mock with the view they no longer afford; here there is a stair’s stone spiral disappearing into a blank ceiling where an old tower was levelled, long ago, and here cramped rooms open randomly off one another, implying a passageway, centuries abandoned and reshaped, an appendix within the castle’s bowels.
I sit in a tall open window overlooking the moat, watching �rising tide of mist flow up and round to engulf the castle,
� great slow wave of star obscuring darkness upon darkness that unfolds itself from out the forest with a geological inertia’ and then pushes down upon us.
I recall we danced, those many years ago, and left the ball to see the night, together on those lit battlements that faced the airy dark. The castle was a great stone ship abright and cruising on a sea of black; the plains sparkled with lights, quivering in the intervening air like strings of stars.
We took the air there, you and I, and by and by, took each other’s breath, and more exchanged.
‘But our parents…‘you whispered when that first kiss gave way to allow a mutual gasp for air and the incitement to the next. ‘But if somebody sees …’
Your dress was something black; velvet and pearls if I recall, scooped brocade to its front which, cupping your bosom, gave way beneath my hands. Exposed to the night and my mouth, your breasts were moon pale and down smooth, their aureoles and nipples dark as bruises, raised, thick and hard as a little finger’s topmost joint; I sucked at you and you leant back, clutching at the stones, drawing the night in sharply through your teeth. Then, in a tiny, unexpected flood, a thick sweet taste came upon my tongue, like a premonition, like some involuntary resonance with the male’s expected donation, and in that pallid light two shining beads of your milk shone, one tipping each of those tiny blood raised towers.
I devoured those pearls, slaking a thirst the more achingly intense for my utter ignorance of it until that moment. You gathered up your gown and skirts yourself, insisted that the winding stair door be bolted, then I laid you across the slates, beneath the stars. Was it then I really loved you first? I think it was, my sleeping one. Or perhaps it was later, in a calmer state … But I’d count that less; I’d prefer it was just lust. That seems more creditable, simply for being so helpless in the face of its own blood charged demands.
Love is common; nothing’s more so, even hate (even now), and like their mothers everyone thinks theirs must be the very best. Oh, the fascination with love, art’s profitable fixation with love; ah, the startled clarity, the revelatory force of love, the pulsing certainty that it is all, that it is perfect, that it makes us, that it completes us … that it will last for ever.
Ours is a little different, by consent. We became by all accounts and they were many, and various and frequently creative notorious; unwilling if unbowed outcasts long before our failed attempt to become refugees. It was our decision, though. Not for us that tawdry fascination, the cosy comfort of the crowd, their bedded warmth in shared exclusion. We see the world with two eyes, tuned for its ambivalence, and what arrests the eye of the small minded, liberates the mind of those with a broader view. This castle makes its mark upon the earth by being no longer part of the world from which it’s raised; these stones inflict themselves upon the air with hard demand that’s free to join that higher level only by not joining any rest. We took that as our premise; what else?
I pace these corridors while you sleep by the empty fire (the ashes like a pool, the furs and rugs that cover you the same colour). The clouds roll quietly in around us, damp smoke of what liquidic fire I cannot say. A transient current within the air brings the sound of a distant waterfall from the hills, and only the night finds final voice, in that black space a white, noise booming; meaningless.
Morning finds the lieutenant returned to the castle; the mists disperse like a crowd, dew hangs heavy on the forest and the sun, late rising above the southerly hills, shines with a wintery weariness, tentative and provisional as a politician’s promise.
The good lieutenant takes her breakfast in our chambers; an old flag I imagine she does not know it is our family’s own arms has been thrown across the oak table to provide a cloth. She looks tired yet animated, her eyes red and her face flushed. She smells a little of smoke and intends to sleep for a few hours once she has eaten. Her roasted, toasted fare is served on our finest silver; she holds and uses the sharp and glittering pieces of cutlery with a weaponly dexterity. The gold and ruby ring upon her little finger duly sparkles too.
‘We found a few things,’ the lieutenant replies when I enquire how went the night. ‘What we did not find was as important.’ She gulps down her milk, sitting back and kicking off her boots. She puts her plate on her lap and her grubbily stockinged feet on the table, selecting and spearing morsels from on high.
‘What was it you did not find?’ I ask her.
‘Many other people,’ the lieutenant tells us. ‘There were a few refugees, camped out, but nobody … threatening; nobody armed, nobody organised.’ She picks a few more mouthfuls from her plate of meats and eggs. She gazes ceiling wards, as if to admire the painted wood panels and embossed heraldic shields. ‘We think there may be another group around. Somewhere,’ she says, then narrows her eyes as she looks at me. ‘Competition,’ she says, smiling that cold smile of hers. ‘Not friends of ours.’
A soft egg yolk, surgically isolated from its surrounding white and the bed of toast it lay upon by previous incisions, is lifted intact, yellowly wobbling ~ on the lieutenant’s fork and directed towards her mouth. Her thin lips close around the golden curve. She slips the fork out and holds it vertically, twirling it as her jaw moves and her eyes close. She swallows. ‘Hmm,’ she says, collecting herself and smacking her lips. ‘The last we heard of that happy band they were in the hills, north of here.’ She shrugs. ‘We couldn’t find any sign of them; it may be they’ve headed cast with everybody else.’
‘You still intend to remain here?’
‘Oh, yes.’ She puts the plate down, wipes her lips on a napkin, throws it on the table. ‘I like your home very well; I think the boys and I can be happy here.’
‘Do you intend to stay long?’
She frowns, takes a deep breath. ‘How long,’ she asks, ‘have your family lived here?’
I hesitate. ‘A few hundred years.’
She spreads her arms, ‘Well then, what difference can it make if we stay a few days, or weeks, or months?’ She digs between two teeth with a ragged fingernail, smiling slyly at you. ‘Even years?’
‘That depends on how you treat this place,’ I say. ‘This castle has stood for over four hundred years, but it has been vulnerable to cannon for most of that time and, nowadays, could be destroyed in an hour by a large gun and in a moment with a wellplaced bomb or rocket; from inside, all one might need would be a match in the right place. The effects of our tenure here as a family unfortunately has no bearing on yours as occupiers, especially given the circumstances prevailing outside these walls.’
The lieutenant nods wisely. ‘You’re right, Abel.’ she says, rubbing one index finger beneath her nose and staring at her smudge grey socks. ‘We are here as occupiers, not your guests, and you are our prisoners, not our hosts. And this place suits our purposes; it’s comfortable, defendable. but it means no more to us.’ She picks up her fork again, inspects it minutely. ‘But these men aren’t vandals. I’ve told them not to break anything and if they do it will assuredly be clumsiness rather than insubordination. Oh, there are a few extra bullet holes about the place, but most of any damage you might see was probably caused by your looters.’ She wipes something from the tines of the fork, then licks her fingers. ‘And we made them pay quite dearly for such … despicable desecration.’ She smiles at me.