From tawny Spain lost in the world’s debate.
How you delight, my lords, I know not, I;
But, I protest, I love to hear him lie
And I will use him for my minstrelsy.
BIRON Armado is a most illustrious wight,
A man of fire-new words, fashion’s own knight.
LONGAVILLE Costard the swain and he shall be our sport;
And so to study, three years is but short.
Enter DULL with a letter, and COSTARD
DULL Which is the duke’s own person?
BIRON This, fellow: what wouldst?
DULL I myself reprehend his own person, for I am his
grace’s tharborough: but I would see his own person
in flesh and blood.
BIRON This is he.
DULL Signior Arme–Arme–commends you. There’s villany
abroad: this letter will tell you more.
COSTARD Sir, the contempts thereof are as touching me.
FERDINAND A letter from the magnificent Armado.
BIRON How low soever the matter, I hope in God for high words.
LONGAVILLE A high hope for a low heaven: God grant us patience!
BIRON To hear? or forbear laughing?
LONGAVILLE To hear meekly, sir, and to laugh moderately; or to
forbear both.
BIRON Well, sir, be it as the style shall give us cause to
climb in the merriness.
COSTARD The matter is to me, sir, as concerning Jaquenetta.
The manner of it is, I was taken with the manner.
BIRON In what manner?
COSTARD In manner and form following, sir; all those three:
I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting with
her upon the form, and taken following her into the
park; which, put together, is in manner and form
following. Now, sir, for the manner,–it is the
manner of a man to speak to a woman: for the form,–
in some form.
BIRON For the following, sir?
COSTARD As it shall follow in my correction: and God defend
the right!
FERDINAND Will you hear this letter with attention?
BIRON As we would hear an oracle.
COSTARD Such is the simplicity of man to hearken after the flesh.
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘Great deputy, the welkin’s vicegerent and
sole dominator of Navarre, my soul’s earth’s god,
and body’s fostering patron.’
COSTARD Not a word of Costard yet.
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘So it is,’–
COSTARD It may be so: but if he say it is so, he is, in
telling true, but so.
FERDINAND Peace!
COSTARD Be to me and every man that dares not fight!
FERDINAND No words!
COSTARD Of other men’s secrets, I beseech you.
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘So it is, besieged with sable-coloured
melancholy, I did commend the black-oppressing humour
to the most wholesome physic of thy health-giving
air; and, as I am a gentleman, betook myself to
walk. The time when. About the sixth hour; when
beasts most graze, birds best peck, and men sit down
to that nourishment which is called supper: so much
for the time when. Now for the ground which; which,
I mean, I walked upon: it is y-cleped thy park. Then
for the place where; where, I mean, I did encounter
that obscene and preposterous event, that draweth
from my snow-white pen the ebon-coloured ink, which
here thou viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest;
but to the place where; it standeth north-north-east
and by east from the west corner of thy curious-
knotted garden: there did I see that low-spirited
swain, that base minnow of thy mirth,’–
COSTARD Me?
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘that unlettered small-knowing soul,’–
COSTARD Me?
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘that shallow vassal,’–
COSTARD Still me?
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘which, as I remember, hight Costard,’–
COSTARD O, me!
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘sorted and consorted, contrary to thy
established proclaimed edict and continent canon,
which with,–O, with–but with this I passion to say
wherewith,–
COSTARD With a wench.
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘with a child of our grandmother Eve, a
female; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a
woman. Him I, as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,
have sent to thee, to receive the meed of
punishment, by thy sweet grace’s officer, Anthony
Dull; a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and
estimation.’
DULL ‘Me, an’t shall please you; I am Anthony Dull.
FERDINAND [Reads]
‘For Jaquenetta,–so is the weaker vessel
called which I apprehended with the aforesaid
swain,–I keep her as a vessel of the law’s fury;
and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring
her to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted
and heart-burning heat of duty.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.’
BIRON This is not so well as I looked for, but the best
that ever I heard.
FERDINAND Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say
you to this?
COSTARD Sir, I confess the wench.
FERDINAND Did you hear the proclamation?
COSTARD I do confess much of the hearing it but little of
the marking of it.
FERDINAND It was proclaimed a year’s imprisonment, to be taken
with a wench.
COSTARD I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damsel.
FERDINAND Well, it was proclaimed ‘damsel.’
COSTARD This was no damsel, neither, sir; she was a virgin.
FERDINAND It is so varied, too; for it was proclaimed ‘virgin.’
COSTARD If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.
FERDINAND This maid will not serve your turn, sir.
COSTARD This maid will serve my turn, sir.
FERDINAND Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast
a week with bran and water.
COSTARD I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.
FERDINAND And Don Armado shall be your keeper.
My Lord Biron, see him deliver’d o’er:
And go we, lords, to put in practise that
Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.
Exeunt FERDINAND, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAIN
BIRON I’ll lay my head to any good man’s hat,
These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.
Sirrah, come on.
COSTARD I suffer for the truth, sir; for true it is, I was
taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true
girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of
prosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and
till then, sit thee down, sorrow!
Exeunt
Scene 2
The same.
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO and MOTH
ADRIANO DE ARMADO Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit
grows melancholy?
MOTH A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO Why, sadness is one and the self-same thing, dear imp.
MOTH No, no; O Lord, sir, no.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my
tender juvenal?
MOTH By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough senior.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO Why tough senior? why tough senior?
MOTH Why tender juvenal? why tender juvenal?
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton
appertaining to thy young days, which we may
nominate tender.
MOTH And I, tough senior, as an appertinent title to your
old time, which we may name tough.
ARMADO Pretty and apt.
MOTH How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? or
I apt, and my saying pretty?
ADRIANO DE ARMADO Thou pretty, because little.
MOTH Little pretty, because little. Wherefore apt?
ADRIANO DE ARMADO And therefore apt, because quick.
MOTH Speak you this in my praise, master?
ADRIANO DE ARMADO In thy condign praise.
MOTH I will praise an eel with the same praise.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO What, that an eel is ingenious?
MOTH That an eel is quick.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I do say thou art quick in answers: thou heatest my blood.
MOTH I am answered, sir.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I love not to be crossed.
MOTH [Aside]
He speaks the mere contrary; crosses love not him.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I have promised to study three years with the duke.
MOTH You may do it in an hour, sir.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO Impossible.
MOTH How many is one thrice told?
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I am ill at reckoning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.
MOTH You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I confess both: they are both the varnish of a
complete man.
MOTH Then, I am sure, you know how much the gross sum of
deuce-ace amounts to.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO It doth amount to one more than two.
MOTH Which the base vulgar do call three.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO True.
MOTH Why, sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here
is three studied, ere ye’ll thrice wink: and how
easy it is to put ‘years’ to the word ‘three,’ and
study three years in two words, the dancing horse
will tell you.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO A most fine figure!
MOTH To prove you a cipher.
ADRIANO DE ARMADO I will hereupon confess I am in love: and as it is
base for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a
base wench. If drawing my sword against the humour
of affection would deliver me from the reprobate
thought of it, I would take Desire prisoner, and
ransom him to any French courtier for a new-devised
courtesy. I think scorn to sigh: methinks I should